nicoleMART

Long Gone

2006-03-18T00:09:00.000-05:00

I've moved.

To greener, happier [Wordpress] pastures. But just in case this page DOESN'T automatically redirect you, here's the url:

http://nicolemart.badtofu.com

I think I'm gonna cry!

Diss, Miss?

2006-03-16T12:37:00.000-05:00

I'm not getting political here.

Well, not really.

I just have to know, is THIS what it's come down to lately? Jessica "Chicken of the Sea" Simpson snubs a Republican fundraiser and the entire politisphere is up in arms??

Yeah sure, Bush scheduled ample face-time with the broad. But does her reticence to appear really rank THAT high on the diss scale?? The woman shills PIZZA BITES for cripes sake!

Jessica Simpson Snubs President Bush
Thursday Mar 16, 2006 8:00am EST
By Stephen M. Silverman

Jessica Simpson has left Republicans in Washington dismayed by turning down a invitation to meet with U.S. President George W. Bush at a major party fund-raiser with the president and congressional leaders scheduled for Thursday night.

Her plan to ditch the gathering came after a day of conflicting reports from her handlers and the organizers of the event, reports Reuters. Simpson is in the nation's capital to lobby members of Congress on behalf of Operation Smile, a non-profit venture offering free plastic surgery for disadvantaged children overseas with facial deformities.

People close to Simpson said she declined a request to appear that same evening at the gala fund-raiser of the National Republican Congressional Committee – even after she was offered some private face time with Bush – because Operation Smile is a non-partisan group, says the news service.

NRCC spokesman Carl Forti said he was surprised by the behavior of the 25-year-old Dukes of Hazzard star.

"It's never been a problem for Bono," he said, referring to the U2 star who has met regularly with leaders of all political leanings to promote such causes as Third World debt relief. "I find it hard to believe she would pass up an opportunity to lobby the president on behalf of Operation Smile."

Although Simpson's publicists insisted she never had planned to attend the fund-raiser, Forti said the actress initially accepted the NRCC invitation when it was extended on Tuesday night, only to change her mind the next evening.

Causing further aggravation for his party, President Bush's approval rating by the American public is at its lowest ever, 37 percent, according to the latest monthly poll carried out by the Wall Street Journal and NBC News. In addition, 58 percent of those polled judge his job performance to be poor. The Iraqi War is being cited as the cause for such showings.

Hey Hey, Hayes

2006-03-15T17:02:00.000-05:00

Oh, so NOW it's a problem.

It was fine when Jews, Muslims, Christians, Mormons, Buddhists, Hindus and Wiccans got raked over the coals. But the show suddenly becomes an issue when Scientologists get mocked.

How many seasons has this series been on the air, anyway??

Whatever, Isaac.

Isaac Hayes Quits South Park
Tuesday Mar 14, 2006 8:00am EST
By Stephen M. Silverman/AP

Christians, Jews, Muslims, Mormons and Scientologists have been raked over the comic coals of Comedy Central's South Park, and Isaac Hayes, who voices the character Chef, says he won't stand for it anymore.

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said in a statement.

"Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," he continued. "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

South Park co-creator Matt Stone has a different take. "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology," he told the Associated Press. "He has no problem – and he's cashed plenty of checks – with our show making fun of Christians."

A top-rated episode in November targeted the Church of Scientology and such celebrity followers as Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Titled "Trapped in the Closet," the segment featured fourth-grader Stan being hailed as a reluctant savior by Scientology leaders, while a cartoon Cruise locks himself in a closet and refuses to come out.

Stone said that he and co-creator Trey Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin."

Stone and Parker have accepted Hayes's resignation, according to news reports.

Use Your Head

2006-03-15T13:26:00.000-05:00

I got a headache THIS big.

I don't know where it came from or why it's here.
Maybe I'm fearing my second kickboxing class tonight.
Maybe I'd just rather not be at work.

But whatever the case, the following quip is somehow applicable so I thought I'd share it with yous guys. Enjoy!

----------------

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository -- it's up to you."

Heartbreak Hotel

2006-03-13T22:43:00.000-05:00

It's over.

A lot has happened over the last 10 months. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot (width-wise anyway). But even after all we've been through together, I can tell this is just not working out. That's why I'm calling it quits by the end of the week.

I'm dumping Blogger.

Yes, I know it's sad. But it's also obvious that we need to go our separate ways. First our communication started breaking down (the much maligned word verf). Then Blogger would become totally unresponsive (hours and hours of unexplained "server problems"). Or it would just shut me out altogether ("a technician has been alerted to the problem"). I finally began to realize that I deserved BETTER.

So I'm moving on to Wordpress.

Eric's putting in a Herculean effort to get the new blog built and launched by week's end. Once everything starts shaping up I'll pass on the new url.

I hope at least ONE of you comes looking for me.

Just one???

Decision 2006

2006-03-13T10:45:00.000-05:00

People? I need your help and I need it QUICK!

I have wanted a 17" Powerbook since the things were first unveiled.

Well this weekend I was alerted to the fact that someone in the UK is selling theirs for $800. Now, Eric and I have done some investigating and so far the deal seems totally legit. There's even an arrangement that allows me to INSPECT the machine before I commit to buying it.

The question is, DO I buy it???

I'm sure the Mac users out there are wondering why I would even hesitate to act on this. There are five valid reasons:

1) My office just issued me a brand new 15" Powerbook last Thursday.

2) The 17" I want to buy has only a third the RAM of the 15" which makes it much slower.

3) It would cost me an extra $400 to match the RAM in the 15".

4) Which means the 17" price surges from $800 to $1200.

5) I already HAVE three other Mac laptops in my possession (though only one of them actually belongs to me).

Still, I'd have no prayer of getting a 17" Powerbook for close to $1200 in THIS lifetime. The clock is ticking yet I just can't make a decision on this.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smart He

2006-03-12T18:54:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday and I've got nothing important to say. So here's a funny.

Dennis found out that he would inherit a fortune after his sickly father died. So he decided to find a woman with whom he could share his wealth.

One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. Her beauty he quite took his breath away so he swallowed his drink and made his approach. He walked up to the woman, introduced himself and proceeded to lay it all on the line:

"I may appear to be just an ordinary guy," he said. "But you're actually looking at a future millionaire. In less than a month's time I'll inherit $20 million!"

The woman was obviously impressed with Dennis' speech because she accompanied him to his home that evening. Three days later she became his stepmother.

Moral of the story: you can't scheme a schemer.

Say When

2006-03-10T10:29:00.000-05:00

I'm not much of a lush.

I've rarely even finished a full size glass of beer let alone several at a time.

But I am well aware that many of my dear readers know how to make their weekends count. And being that today is Friday I figured it prudent to issue this guide before the hardcore festivities get under way.

For those already planning their Sunday hangovers? This list's for you. :)

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Corrective Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

---------------
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Cause: Improper bladder control
Corrective Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

---------------
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Cause:
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer

---------------
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Cause: You have fallen over backward.
Corrective Action: Have yourself leashed to bar

---------------
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts and ashes
Cause: You have fallen forward
Corrective Action: Have yourself leashed to bar

---------------
Symptom: Beer tasteless; front of your shirt is wet
Cause:
a. Mouth not open while drinking
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Corrective Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

---------------
Symptom: Floor blurred
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer

---------------
Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted
Cause: The beer is too weak
Corrective Action: Order more beer and consume until voice improves

---------------
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Cause: Beer is just right
Corrective Action: Play air guitar

---------------
Symptom: Floor moving
Cause: You are being carried out
Corrective Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

---------------
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Cause: Bar has closed
Corrective Action: Confirm home address with bartender; if staff has departed, grab closest six-pack and exit bar

---------------
Symptom: Room is gray, has concrete floor and conveniently located restroom facilities
Cause:
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the Navy
Corrective Action: Under NO circumstances sleep on your stomach

Addiction

2006-03-08T16:34:00.000-05:00

I'm a cokehead.

And before you inform me of how UNsurprised you are by that revelation, let me clarify: I'm talking about the beverage. Not the illegal narcotic.

I've been a hardcore Coke fan since high school. I used to inhale a 12 0z. can every day at lunch along with a small bag of plain M&M's. Well, I had to have something wholesome and satisfying while I was pounding away on the Macs in the school computer lab.

And that trend (minus the M&M's) shows no sign of fading. I'm up to an average of two cans (one regular Coke and one Coke Zero) per day. Why? Because I just LOVE the stuff!

You doubt my undying affection, do you?

This is the top tier of my fridge.

What you're seeing is the neatly arranged contents of three "Fridge Paks" of Coca-Cola products. Of course I'm not going to drink all these by myself; those Black Cherry Vanilla ones on the right are all for Eric. But the heavy drinking will be MY responsibility for the most part. Anyone still in the dark about why my ass is spreading??

But hey, I've done it! I've admitted that I have a problem and, as we all know, admission is the first step to recovery. So how ironic is it that I awoke this morning to a news story like this:

-------------------
Soda Sales Fall for First Time in 20 Years
By MELANIE WARNER (NYTimes.com)
Published: March 9, 2006

The next generation may not be the Pepsi generation — or the Coke generation, for that matter.

Soda drinking is declining, partly because it is blamed for obesity.

For years, soda has been the quintessential American drink, considered the perfect thirst quencher, morning pick-me-up or accompaniment to lunch or dinner.

But that is slowly changing.

As Americans look for greater variety in their drinks and strive for healthier diets, consumption of soda — with its 250 calories and 67 grams of sugar in a 20-ounce bottle — is slipping.

Data released yesterday by Beverage Digest, the industry trade publication, shows that for the first time in 20 years, the number of cases of soda sold in the United States declined. Case volume in 2005 was down 0.7 percent, to 10.2 billion cases.

Coke's flagship brand, Coca-Cola Classic, was down 2 percent...(more)
-------------------

I can ASSURE you guys that my cola consumption has nothing to do with the recent dip in sales. Hell, Eric and I are doing all we can to put these people's grandkids through college. While I am trying to curtail my behavior to some degree, it'll be a frigid day in hell before I completely kick the habit.

Hey, a girl's gotta have a vice!

Blonde-sided

2006-03-08T00:13:00.000-05:00

So WHAT if it's old, it's still funny!

I'm sure you never even noticed that dude in the background anyway...

Who Needs CNN?

2006-03-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

Get all your What-the-Hell-is-the-World-Coming-To news right here!

At least she had the sense to ditch the baby-daddy...

Teenager gives birth to surprise baby
Mon Mar 6, 11:45 AM ET

LONDON (AFP) - A 13-year-old British girl who did not realise she was pregnant has given birth to a baby weighing three kilos (six-and-a-half pounds) she has named Sophie.
Charlotte Maddox said she remembered feeling "a bit podgy" but did not know she was pregnant until she went into labour. Initially, she put her contractions down to a stomach infection.

"I was screaming in pain and put it down to eating too much. I was screaming in pain and shouted, 'I've got to push something, it's coming!'" she told Britain's Daily Mirror.

"That was the first time I realised I was pregnant and about to become a mum. Suddenly the pain disappeared and I was in total shock.

"The next thing I knew was hearing Sophie scream for the first time. I was so relieved she was safe. Then it suddenly hit me that I was a mum.

"My whole life had changed in three hours. I went from feeling a bit poorly and worrying about my homework to holding a newborn baby in my arms and worrying about a new life."

The teenager, from Devon, southwest England, said she had lost her virginity on the day of her 13th birthday.

She was living with a foster family at the time, although she returned to live with her parents in September.

She said she had no desire to see the 15-year-old father of her baby daughter.

"I don't want him looking after her. He wasn't the nicest boy in the world, and I think we will be better off without him," she said.

Source - Yahoo! News

Contagious Yawni

2006-03-07T10:13:00.000-05:00

Because there was no OTHER way for him to ruin his stellar career.

Hold it, his finger got kicked?? Dude, even the CRIMES he commits are lame!

Yanni Arrested in Florida in Alleged Domestic Dispute

MANALAPAN, Fla. (March 7) - The musician Yanni was arrested at his home after an alleged domestic dispute with his girlfriend, authorities said.

Yanni, whose legal name is John Yanni Christopher, was arrested early Friday and faces a domestic battery charge, according to a police report.

The Greek-born singer-pianist denied the allegations.

Yanni asked his girlfriend, Silvia Barthes, to leave his beachfront home in Manalapan on Thursday night, the police report said. Barthes, 33, told police she attempted to pack her clothing but the 51-year-old musician threw it on the ground.

She told officers he then grabbed her arms and shook her, throwing her on the bed, and jumped on top of her, according to the report.

Yanni told police Barthes kicked him, and he believed he injured his finger during the incident, the report said.

No one answered a call to a telephone listing for a John Christopher in Manalapan late Monday. But the musician said in a statement he was innocent.

"These allegations are cruel, false, without merit and baseless," said the statement released by his manager, Danny O'Donovan. "At a more appropriate time and place, I hope and pray I will have an opportunity to address my fans and colleagues all over the world."

03-07-06 00:54 EST

< /TAG >

2006-03-06T12:42:00.000-05:00

Sonia got me this time.

1. Black and white or color: how do you prefer your movies? Color definitely. I'm not cultured enough to appreciate most black and white flicks.

2. What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death? Shockingly, despite all my Bush-bashing, getting into a deep political discussion usually turns my brain completely off.

3. MP3s, CDs, tapes or records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music? Definitely mp3s. Hands down and without a doubt.

4. You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and $10M in cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going...ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run? Depends -- I can't tell my family where I'm GOING with the $10M but will I be allowed to come BACK?? If so then yes, I'd take it.

5. Seriously, what do you consider the world’s most pressing issue now? That my ass is literally SPREADING as I type this (because it's always about ME, people)!

6. How would you rectify the world’s most pressing issue? Get my fat ass into some form of structured, disciplined, physical fitness program. I'm in talks to start kickboxing classes pretty soon...

7. You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life, what would that be? My decision to never, ever sing again. In preschool I had a singing part in a school play (I don't remember any of the details). After the show was over, my father praised my performance so much that I was afraid to go anywhere NEAR another microphone. Yeah, makes no sense to me either.

8. You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be? Slavery, Holocaust, the assasinations of JFK, Malcolm X and MLK, 9/11...I seriously can't choose just ONE.

9. A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole’ Opry: which do you choose? Opera all the way.

10: What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you’d like to solve? Hmm, who REALLY shot JFK, who was Jack the Ripper, who killed Biggie and Pac. Again, the list is endless!

11. One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal? Wow, I have NO idea which author I'd pick. There are many books I love but I don't think I'd be interested in having dinner with the person who wrote them.

12. You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky — what’s the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact? I'd be too depressed at the idea that THIS life is all we have to look forward to. I mean, really, what's to celebrate?

Like To Watch?

2006-03-05T15:05:00.000-05:00

I having nothing to say about the Oscars tonight.

At least, nothing that anyone really wants to read. I feel woefully out of touch this year. Usually I pay more attention to the films and performances that are being hailed by the Academy. This year I almost forgot what night the thing is even telecast.

Am I actually gonna watch tonight? Your guess is as good as mine.

I know this Oscar apathy is just a "me" thing as evidenced by the number of recent blog posts referencing the excitement. People are all a'twitter about the outcome of tonight's proceedings. Oodles of recent entries have been penned referencing Oscar picks, Oscar pans, Oscar pools, Oscar parties -- anything to do with Oscar fanfare. There are galas, events and brouhahas going on all over town that I have not a PRAYER of getting invited to. I haven't been that excited since Halle and Denzel won the big trophy.

Now THAT was some kinda Oscar night.

The Statue Train is heading towards the station. Am I the only one standing around without a ticket?

Lost in Translation

2006-03-03T14:50:00.000-05:00

A little help over here?

I think of myself as a slightly intelligent person.

Had a little schooling, got fairly mediocre grades. But apparently no amount of education in the WORLD is enough to aid in the comprehension of this poignant bit of social commentary...

(click on pic for larger view)

Any of you brain-geniuses care to take a stab at this one?

I R Teh Sux

2006-03-02T13:49:00.000-05:00

My post frequency has been sucking of late. I know.

It's the same, lame story as always: I'm being muled around at work which leaves less than no time to keep up with nicolemart, much less all the other blogs I'd like to read and comment on.

That really honks me off.

Anyway, I don't want you guys to end up TOTALLY bored with me so I'm providing you with a link to this very intriguing survival test. Take it and see how well you'd fare when faced with a life-threatening situation. My results, you ask? Very unimpressive:

"You scored 12 out of 17. You're alive but badly injured or maimed for life."

Note: any of you that score higher than this are officially off the friend list.

Breakfast at the White House

2006-03-01T10:28:00.000-05:00

Shockingly, no one gets shot in this one.

----------------
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'd
like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"What can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his
trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to
act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for
a year!''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "Sir, it's
pronounced 'quiche'."

George vs George

2006-02-27T11:26:00.000-05:00

George O'Malley? Meet George Michael.

Study this man. Note that he's not crying in hospital stairwells or pining for long, lost broads. This man decides what he wants. Then he just TAKES the shit.

If he wants a man? He comes out of the closet and dates the guy.

If he wants to get busted in a Beverly Hills bathroom? He exposes himself to an undercover police officer and gets hauled off to the clink.

If he decides he needs a late night drug fix? Well, er, read below...

------------

George Michael Is Reportedly Arrested

LONDON - Singer George Michael was arrested in London on drug charges after being found slumped at the wheel of his car, according to a British tabloid newspaper report.

A passer by contacted police after spotting the 42-year-old singer in his car in central London on Saturday night, the Sun newspaper reported.

Michael was arrested on suspicion of possessing drugs before being bailed to return to a police station next month. He was checked by paramedics but did not need hospital treatment.

A spokesman for London's Metropolitan police, speaking on the customary condition of anonymity in line with force policy, would not confirm if Michael had been arrested, but did say that a 42-year-old man had been arrested on drugs charges after being found at the wheel of a car.

"We were called by a member of the public to a man seen slumped over the steering wheel of a car ... Police attended and spoke to the man, aged 42. A search of the man revealed what was believed to be controlled substances. He was arrested on suspicion of possession of controlled substances of category C and on suspicion of being unfit to drive.

A spokeswoman for Michael's agent, Connie Filipello, said, "We have absolutely no comment to make."

In 1998 Michael was arrested for lewd conduct in a public toilet in Los Angeles after being spotted by an undercover police officer.

Boy, George

2006-02-26T23:07:00.000-05:00

The whining in tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy was at an all time high.

And this time it wasn't coming from Meredith. Instead George got to narrate and, overall, whimper his way through the entire episode. By the time the clock hit 10:30 I was jonesing to shake him till his teeth rattled.

I usually love George and his uber neurotic, self-doubting tendencies. But tonight's rendition of Little Boy Lost thoroughly irked me: "I'm in love with Meredith and I finally got the courage to tell her but she slept with me. Even though she'll never love me like I love her, she still slept with me. How could she do that??"

Oh, stuff a sock in it George.

It takes two to frickin tango and by the looks of that little flashback interlude, Meredith didn't FORCE you to do anything. What you needed to do instead of pouting your way through every wing of Seattle Grace was just suck it up, learn your lesson and take responsibility for your OWN actions once in awhile. Jebus!

Now you've split up the entire household since Izzie is taking YOUR side against Meredith over this. If you ask me, you should blame her for everything since SHE'S the one who pushed you to spill your guts to Meredith in the first place!

Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest. I feel much better now, thanks. :)

Deep Frey'd

2006-02-24T09:31:00.000-05:00

There's demanding. And then there's THIS guy.

From The Smoking Gun:

His name is Travis Frey. He's 33 years old. He lives in Iowa. And he's currently facing charges of child pornography and kidnapping his own wife. Okay, disturbing enough.

But just as disturbing is the four page document entitled, "Contract of Wifely Expectations" that Frey wrote for his beloved.

This "contract" was meant to act as a kind of rulebook on how his wife should conduct her personal hygiene, wardrobe selection and sexual practices.

The entire contract is a little too ~~demented~~ wordy to be outline in one post. But here are a few, poignant highlights from Frey's masterful bit of prose:
-----------------------
HYGIENE & SELF-CARE
You will shave every third day which includes underarms, chest, legs and pubic area (navel to anus). All areas are to be completely clean shaven. Above your vaginal slit you may have a patch of pubic hair in any shape that must be centered above your vaginal slit, it will measure no greater than 2 x 1" and will maintain a hair length of less than 1/3".

CLOTHES & OTHER APPAREL
You will wear only thigh-highs and garters and only thong panties. The only exception would be during your menstrual cycle at which time you could wear either or both. Half of your shoe purchases will be high heels, 2" or more. You will wear these heels more often.

SLEEPWEAR & SLEEPING
When we are at home and alone as a family you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed and then sleep naked, unless instructed otherwise.

GOOD BEHAVIOR
Since there will be no trading, negotiations or conciliations of any kind, you are given chances to earn Good Behavior Days (GBDs). To receive GBDs you are to be totally compliant with everything requested or expected of you and perform everything with complete and total enthusiasm.

DRESSING UP
For special events that we are to dress up for when we are going to someone else's house or just the two of us are going out, your clothes must meet my approval. General rules are:
* Panties are always optional and need not be worn.
* Only thigh-highs and garter -- no pantyhose.
* If you are not wearing thigh-highs and garter then no panties.
* All skirts should be no lower than two inches below the knee (unless it's for church).

BIRTHDAYS & ANNIVERSARIES
On your birthday you will recieve one GBD that is good only on your birthday. On or before my birthday you will select and purchase a sex toy for yourself and this will be considered my birthday gift from you. On or before our anniversary you will select and purchase new lingerie for yourself. The lingerie that you select and purchase will be your sleepwear for that night.

PHOTOS
You are to pose for 20 photos per quarter on demand unless your quota is filled. Outfits, toys and poses will always be chosen by me. You must be freshly shaven on the day that photos are taken, regardless of your shaving schedule. You will also style hair, apply makeup and nail polish as needed.
-----------------------

Fortunately (for the dignity of women EVERYWHERE) his wife never signed the damned thing.

Music is Fundamental

2006-02-22T19:54:00.000-05:00

Mojo loves me.

Which is why he's tagged me yet AGAIN. As you can see, I'm determined to take his multi-tagging as a compliment. I mean, why else would anyone be interested in my musical tastes??

Besides, this one is pretty interesting...

----------------
List seven songs you are into right now, no matter what the genre. Doesn't matter whether they have words or even if they’re any good. The only requirement is that they must be songs you’re really enjoying right now.

Post these instructions on your blog along with your seven song choices. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.
----------------

So without further ado, here's my musical Fox Force Seven (okay so it's supposed to be "Fox Force FIVE." You get my point):

1) Bring Light (Audio Bullys)
2) Right Here's the Spot (Basement Jaxx)
3) Electric Mistress (Jamiroquai)
4) Dare (Gorillaz)
5) Second Childhoold (Justus League feat. NAS)
6) X&Y (Coldplay)
7) Enter the Sandman (Richard Cheese -- no, I don't mean Metallica)

By the way, I don't really have a good explanation for WHY I'm loving these specific songs other than I just do. And here are the lucky 7 that get to relive this post all over again on their own blogs:

1) Tara
2) Red (she LOVES these)
3) Steve D (welcome to the family)
4) JM
5) Doug
6) Scarlett
7) Guru

For all those who have been chosen: PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!!!

Spitting Image

2006-02-21T11:23:00.000-05:00

Think you're the mirror image of somebody famous?

Well there's a genealogy site that might help you prove it. They've developed software that uploads your photos, runs them through a database of celebs and determines which ones most resemble you. Being the vain son-of-a-somebody that I am, I went and did it.

You should SEE who they've compared me with.

The first couple of times I tried it, they claimed that I was the product of an illicit triste between Meryl Streep and Michael Jackson.

The third photo garnered a laundry list of unlikelies (in descending order of resemblance):

Ninet Tayeb

Uma Thurman

Beyonce

Katherine Hepburn

Halle Berry

Aishwariya Rai

Christina Aguilera

Charlize Theron and...

JIMMY CARTER??!?

Uh, yeah.

Anyway, go ahead and give this thing a shot if you're so inclined. Just don't blame me when they liken you to a hottie like Janet Reno.

Man Question 2: Response

2006-02-20T18:18:00.000-05:00

Or as White Dade so aptly termed it, "100 Euphemisms For the Male Sex Organ."

You guys have come up with SO many colorful phrases in response to my last post that I had absolutely no choice but to list them all. So here are your numerous pieces of brilliance in chronological order:

1. Dribble Dot (Red)
2. Pee Spot (Guru)
3. Turtleneck (Erech)
4. Cash and Prizes (Shife)
5. Two Shakes of a Lamb's Tail (TX)
6. Visit Australia (Dor)
7. Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger (Mojo)
8. Buster McThunderstick (Shife)
9. Shake Your Laffy Taffy (yours truly)

I just LOVE all you guys!

And shout out to Todd for dropping a line and Steve DeGroof for adding me to his blog links (adding you to mine too). You guys rawk!!!

Man Question 2

2006-02-19T10:31:00.000-05:00

Forgive me for constantly intruding into male business.

But guys are endlessly fascinating to me.

My next question for the dudes is: do you TP after you tinkle?

Awhile back, a female friend was watching her younger, male cousin. He went off to use the lil' pirates room and everything was going swimmingly. Until my friend told the cousin not to leave the restroom without hankying his hooha. That's when all heck broke loose.

Her husband, when he heard, was horrified for the poor kid: "You can't tell a guy that!!" My friend was totally blown away by her husband's disgust and asked what was so emasculating about a guy wiping his wang with a sheet of toilet paper. But all her husband would say in response was, "We just don't DO that!"

I was equally confused by her husband's reaction and, of course, brought this question up to Eric. He quickly agreed that telling a guy to daub his dingle after using the bathroom was about as manly as suggesting that he don a pair of lace panties just before entering a male figure skating competition.

Guys, you know what's coming, don't ya?

What is so heinous about sponging off after a sprinkle? Women do it all the time -- we really have no choice. Please help me understand why GUYS find it so abominable.

Ream Job

2006-02-17T20:02:00.000-05:00

My boss ripped me a nice, clean, shiny new one at work today.

Short version of the story: I'm working on several projects simultaneously -- the big NYC project I mentioned earlier as well as a series of smaller projects in VA. Well, after everything was said and done yesterday it came to light that a small task slipped through the cracks. The oversight was my fault and for that I explained my actions to my boss and apologized.

She swore everything was copacetic but still I absolutely HATE getting called on the carpet. So, in typical me fashion, I carried the burden of guilt on my shoulders for the remainder of my work day. Eric's trying to convince me that this kind of thing happens to everyone and I need to move past it. But as much as I try to numb the sting of a newly ripped asshole, the mood I'm in refuses to dissipate. Great, now I'm both sick AND simpering. Poor Eric.

Now I ask you, my loyal leaders:

1) How do you respond when your boss calls you out? Do you become indignant, apologize profusely, demand legal counsel?

2) How do you react AFTER the ream job? Are you pissed or (like me) do you carry around your injured feelings until the next time you royally eff up?

Truth in Advertising

2006-02-16T16:09:00.000-05:00

For those that are sick of the soft sell in advertising today?

Here's a bit of refreshing honesty. And beer.

Tori...NO

2006-02-14T23:09:00.000-05:00

Cheney told me not to post anything for Wednesday.

Mainly because I'll be too busy with this new project to respond to any comments until Thursday. Cheney hates it when I sleep on the job.

But the Winter Olympics are far too puzzling for me to remain silent tonight.

First I wanna know: are any of you guys even WATCHING? I'll be the first to admit that the winter games downright PALE in comparison to those of summer. I probably watch every event the Summer Olympics has to offer -- track and field, swimming, diving, gymnastics, shot put, weight lifting, Keirin -- the list is endless. Just naming these events has me all hyped up for 2008...YEAH BABY!!!

But the antics in Torino? Meh.

What gets me is the number of mistakes, bail-outs and disqualifications there've been so far. The opening ceremonies were less than a week ago, yet every time I turn on the news another gold medal contender has bombed his best event (Apollo Anton Ohno, Bode Miller) or has dropped out of the games altogether (*cough*...Michelle Kwan...*cough*).

I've had NBC on for the past two hours out of sheer boredom. Right now they're showing men's figure skating (please save all giggles till the end of this post) and I swear that EVERY dude has either watered down his jumps or fallen on his ass completely.

What the hell are we even IN the Olympics for??

With Team USA's pitiful performance thus far I could think of a BILLION other uses for all that endorsement money. Such as bribing Cheney into taking Bush along during his next hunting trip...*

*That was awful, I know.

M.I.A.

2006-02-14T19:17:00.000-05:00

In case anyone's wondering about (or has even noticed) my absence...

I'm in NYC till tomorrow night. Working on the biggest project I've ever been involved with at work. Quite frankly, it's scaring the hell outta me and I'm supposed to be the lead designer on it (underneath my boss, that is).

So I'm a little behind in responding to comments. But I hope to catch up asap.

I MISS YOU GUYS!

Kiss kiss!
-Nicole

ps -- Happy Valentines Day (for those who care to acknowledge it).

Grey Area

2006-02-13T10:00:00.000-05:00

***SPOILER ALERT***

So (for those that watch it) what'd you think of "Grey's Anatomy" last night?

Overall, I thought it was a great episode. But there were a few minutes at the end when I thought they were going to make us wait till next week for the conclusion. I was temporarily furious.

Did anyone not know that last minute explosion was coming?

What about Dr. Shepherd's miraculous punch to Bailey's husband's chest? Was that supposed to be the act of medical expertise that saved him? HA!

Finally got a gander at the guy Dr. Shepherd's wife cheated with. Am I the ONLY one hoping she gets caught sleeping with him again?? I really don't need her to stick around much longer...

SnowMEN

2006-02-12T13:14:00.000-05:00

Eric just came in from shoveling the snow that fell last night and he informed that he was the ONLY guy out there. Apparently all the other shovelers present were female. Not that a woman can't shovel her own snow. My point is: where the heck were all the MEN in the neighborhood??

And I'm not just talking about significant others. For instance, the woman who lives next door to me was outside all morning hauling snow. Yet I know for a fact that her lazy, chain-smoking, 40 year old, anti-social son was sitting in the house doing absolutely NOTHING.

I know if I tried that brand of malarkey with MY mom I'd get a good, swift kick in the teeth.

Plus, my neighborhood is chock full of families so I'm sure that 99% of the women outside have a brother, son, uncle, cousin, grandfather, secret boyfriend or SOMEBODY that could have pitched in for the cause.

Frickin LOSERS.

Breaking News

2006-02-10T13:33:00.000-05:00

Flood Destroys Presidential Book Collection
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 2006 12:53:14-0600

Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. According to authorities, both of the publications have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second book.

The White House has made repeated attempts to contact FEMA but, as of this yet, there has been no response.

Bad Grammy

2006-02-09T10:33:00.000-05:00

I'm sure a lot of you are at odds with the results of the Grammys last night.

I mean, come on, why is it that every time U2 puts out a damn album they get half-a-dozen statues hurled at it??

Anyway, I'd like to *respectfully* submit a few pieces of songwriting genius that were overlooked by the Grammy committee this year. These songs resonate with audiences all over the globe:

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I'd Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Were Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the song that BETTER win everything next year is...

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few

Size Matters

2006-02-09T00:16:00.000-05:00

1. Who's more of a pygmy?
a) Gary Sinise
b) Bono
c) Prince

2. Which of them do you like the least?
a) Gary Sinise
b) Bono
c) Prince

My vote:
1. Pygmy of the Year goes to: Prince.
2. Hmm, I guess it would have to be Bono, though I don't dislike him. I just like the others more.

Britney's Skurred

2006-02-08T10:47:00.000-05:00

People are practically writing my posts FOR me...

----------------

On Monday, photos surfaced of Britney Spears driving her SUV in Malibu with her son, Sean Preston, sitting on her lap behind the wheel. The pictures raised obvious questions because her young son was not in a car seat.

A source close to Spears explains that the singer drove to Starbucks with her bodyguard in the passenger seat and son Sean in his car seat in the back. When the bodyguard went into the store to get the drinks, Spears took Sean out of his car seat and held him in her lap while she waited. Photographers approached the car, says the source, and became aggressive. Once her bodyguard climbed back into the car, Spears drove away while still holding her son.

Spears explains her actions in an exclusive statement to People magazine:

"Today I had a horrifying, frightful encounter with the paparazzi while I was with my baby. Because of a recent incident when I was trapped in my car without my baby by a throng of paparazzi, I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger. I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us, and took photos of us which were sold to the media. I love my child and would do anything to protect him."

----------------

Oh, so MANY questions:

1) Hasn't she hired a driver yet?
2) Did Sean really need that half-caf, skim, no foam, extra-hot, chai latte?
3) ~~Who~~ What was K-Fed doing?
4) How the hell has that kid managed to survive even THIS long??

Feels Like Another One

2006-02-06T15:01:00.000-05:00

Tag time, back again...

1) Full Name? Nicole (hey, this is the interweb after all)

2) Ever been on a diet? Do rats have asses?

3) Do you sort your laundry or just shove it in altogether? I'm a born again sorter.

4) Do you grill outdoors during the winter? That's Eric's job.

5) Camping or Beach Vacation? I've never been one to sleep outdoors voluntarily.

6) Where do you work/for how long? AOL for about 7 months now.

7) Are you a morning person or night owl? Totally a night monster.

8) Do you like to scrapbook? It sounds great in theory but I'm too lazy.

9) Ever been to DisneyWorld? Many, many moons ago; pre-Epcott.

10) If there were 3 things that you could eat ALL THE TIME without gaining a pound, what would they be? Pizza and just about any food involving sugar.

11) Are you a coffee drinker? I can practically SCHEDULE my caffeine headaches...

12) Do you have pets? Two cats (hold all snickering till the end, please).

13) What type of music do you listen to? Just about anything that doesn't involve a harpsichord, fiddle or ukulele.

14) Do you cook or go out to eat more? I prefer to eat other people's food whenever possible.

15) Is your home decor more Country, Victorian, Primitive, Contemporary or other? Ha, like I can AFFORD to decorate my house.

16) Are you a jewelry wearer? See question 2.

17) Do you have a favorite number? It's a toss-up between 3 and 5.

18) Ever won the lottery? Pfft! Would I be blogging if I had?? Okay, you have a point.

19) Do you make your bed each morning? Yes. I know I have problems.

20) How often do you dust and vacuum? See question 4.

21) What time is it right now? 14:58 EST

22) Do you burn candles? No. Jacks my sinuses up.

23) What's one thing you WON'T eat? No way could I limit this to one item: raisins, tripe, pig's feet, coconut, tripe, chitterlings, squash...did I mention tripe?

24) Any tattoos? If I could ever make up my mind on what to get.

25) Ever been on a cruise? Nope.

26) Gold or Silver jewelry? Silver's okay. I used to hate yellow gold but these days it's making a comeback.

27) Do you own exercise equipment? Nope.

28) Comedies, drama, reality tv, soap operas -- what type of TV do you watch? Some reality shows and just about everything on Discovery, CourtTV and VH1.

29) Carpeting, linoleum, tile or harwood floors? Given the choice, DEFINITELY hardwood.

30) What do you drive? Toyota Rav4 (blue). Don't hate.

31) Who else should take this survey? I'll only point the finger at Bastard this time. The rest of you are off the hook (unless you don't want to be). ;)

You Say What

2006-02-03T09:20:00.000-05:00

A very thought-provoking topic popped up on a local radio show recently. And, as usual, I thought I'd get you guys involved. The question is:

"Would you attend the out-of-town wedding of a friend whom you knew to be unfaithful?"

There seemed to be three general opinions on this:

1) The host of the show was against the idea. Why make flight and hotel arrangements to celebrate a marriage that's gonna fall apart anyway?

2) Some callers argued that the cheating aspect is irrelevant. The person is your friend and it's their WEDDING -- you're almost morally obligated to attend.

3) Other callers claimed that EVERYONE cheats. So none of that's even your business.

----------------
My thoughts (because you asked):

1) I see the host's point. The marriage will probably have the shelf life of a carton of eggs so why waste hundreds of dollars to attend the wedding?

2) It's your friend's wedding, sure. But would you be able to stand by while they walk into a potentially disastrous marriage?

I went through this with a very close friend of mine (though she wasn't cheating). Still, we ALL knew her marriage would over quicker than it began. But no matter how much sense we tried to talk into her, she refused to listen and forged ahead with her plans. I finally got so fed up that I threatened to back out of the whole thing. But some of my other friends begged me not to let one [really, really] bad decision end a 15-year friendship. So yeah, I gave in. And, as predicted, my friend is miserable.

3) THIS mode of thinking sets my teeth on edge. I'm sorry but if I labored under the belief that EVERY guy on earth was unfaithful I'd just marry one of my cats and be done with it.

Besides, have any of these defeatists conducted RESEARCH that supports their "everybody cheats" theory? We've all probably endured some jacked up relationships but if you haven't dated the entire world's population how can you draw such a dramatic conclusion? I mean, just because YOUR extra-curricular activities are shady doesn't mean I'm creeping on every creature with a pulse.

But that's just my 2 cents. Thoughts? Questions? Hatred?

A Long Standing Leak

2006-02-02T12:20:00.000-05:00

Anyone wanna take a stab at what the hell this is?

Not even ONE guess??

Then I'll give you a hint: remember when I complained that I'd never be able to pee standing up? Well, that's pretty much a non-issue at this point...

Another Point For Insomnia

2006-02-02T11:43:00.000-05:00

Guess somebody else has been having dreams about Beyonce.

Well, from the looks of this photo, it was more of a nightmare...

Wrong Songs

2006-02-01T11:10:00.000-05:00

The other day I found myself hum-singing the lyrics to "Diff'rent Strokes."

And I was going to town on a mutha. Until I realized that the song coming out of my head and the song as it was actually written had nothing to do with with each other. I've been listening to this song for almost 25 years and I still ain't got the words together?? Ladies and gentlemen, I am a professional idiot.

And before you try to dispute the fact that I am not humanity's brightest bulb? I need you to explain THIS:

Yeah, the world don't move
To the beat of just one drum
What might be right for you
May not be right for some.

[Fine so far. But let us proceed...]

There's a man in March
He's the man of means
Then along come the two
They've got nothing but disease.

[I seriously doubt that disease was EVER incorporated into the script.]

Cause they got Diff'rent Strokes, it takes
Diff'rent Strokes, it takes
Diff'rent Strokes to rule the world.

[RULE the world? Hitler must have composed this thing.]

Everybody's got a special kind of story
Everybody finds a way to shi-iii-ine
What The Man don't got, he got a lot
But so what?
I've got his, you've got yours and I'll have mine
And together we'll be fine!

[Roughly translated: "this dude is white as rice and we some street-bred black kids? He's about to come off his money REAL quick!"]

Cause it takes Diff'rent Strokes to rule the world
Yes it does. It takes,
Diff'rent Strokes to rule the WORLD!

Okay people, seriously. WHAT the hell was that?!?

Hateration '06

2006-01-31T17:29:00.000-05:00

I had no intentions of posting twice today but there are a couple of gentlemen who's antics compelled me to do so.

Working at AOL sometimes lands you some pretty nice perks, i.e., tickets to Capitals and Wizards games. They're given out on a first come, first served basis so ANY average Joe can get their hands on a set, provided they're willing to stand in line for 30 straight minutes.

Unless, that is, you've got connections.

Connections of the type I refer to will get you box seats at tonight's Wizards vs. Pacers game with no lines involved. The aforementioned gentlemen were graciously blessed with a grip of these seats. Don't get me wrong, the dudes worked hard so they deserved a reward. I mean, I hated on them at first but not that much.

It was only when these gentlemen revealed their braggadocious plans for the 8 hours PRECEDING the game that my gallon of Haterade made its debut.

First of all, they lazed around for 7 of those hours. Didn't come to work until maybe 4:30 or 5pm. And not to DO work, mind you, but to slather their good fortune in the faces of the rest of us (who were, fyi, still working).

And when they walked in? They're dressed TO. DEATH. Sportcoats brushed, shirts perfectly starched and pressed. These fools even had the nerve to get a shave and a haircut. Is this a Wizards game or a trip to the Oscars??

And the thought process behind such a Herculean grooming effort? "We got box seats! Do you know how many WOMEN are gonna be checkin' us out??"

Oh yeah, a slew of semi-old, work-haggard MARRIED dudes. I'm sure broads will be tossing panties at you right and left.

And before you guys get the idea that I'm planning to key somebody's car, these guys are actually FRIENDS of mine. But lemme tell ya, they are SO gonna get it when they show up for work tomorrow...

Man Question

2006-01-31T09:54:00.000-05:00

Eric and I got into a fake debate over a man-subject the other day.

Which means I should've just take his word for it since I'm not a guy, right? But you know me -- shutting up is definitely not my forte. So, as per my usual, I thought I'd air the topic on the blog. Because here NOTHING is sacred.

The question I'd like to pose to the guys (gals are more than welcome to chime in) is: why do you zip after you button?

Every guy I've ever dated handles wardrobe assembly the same way -- when you're putting on pants, you button first THEN you zip. For me, that would make it next to impossible to yank the thing all the way up. And of the two genders, I'd think that GUYS would have more of a vested interest in keeping that area thoroughly covered (most of you anyway).

Long ass question short: is button-zipping a GUY thing or is it just a matter of preference?

Cat Spat

2006-01-30T11:37:00.000-05:00

I must do a lot of free-basing in my sleep.

My dream from last night? I was Beyonce's new best friend.

We were apparently quite close until things suddenly and inexplicably fell apart. Beyonce's explanation for the break up, "She was too into her cats. Every time we tried to hang out she had to run and 'Make sure they're okay' or 'Check to see they weren't dead' or something. I just got tired of it."

Beyonce, you's cool and all but my cats are my CATS.

Bake Sales for Body Armor

2006-01-29T21:05:00.000-05:00

Cranky Liberal and Bastard at Bring It On asked folks to get the word out about this.

It is a non-partisan drive to provide less fortunate soldiers in Iraq with body armor and any other supplies they may need. Read on if you're interested in taking part in an effort that will really support our troops...

-------------------

Everyone,

This is the first time I have ever mass blasted something that is going on Blog Wise. I'm an ardent believer in reducing the amount of SPAM in life, but there are just times you need to be a little more vocal.

Please read the announcement below from my good friend TB over at Bring It On. We are kicking off an important fund raiser for our troops, and we ask you to consider helping in any way you can -- even if it is just a mention. This is a non-partisan issue; please help us help our brothers and sisters. (Oh and if you already know about this drive or have recieved email from someone else, I am sorry - feel free to yell at me.)

Thank You,
Cranky

--------------

In the next couple of weeks a new site will be launched called Bake Sales for Body Armor, it is a not-for-profit site that will be dedicated to raising money to buy body armor for the less fortunate men and women of our Armed Forces that cannot afford to buy it on their own. This not-for-profit is being endorsed by Bring It On! because we feel it is a disgrace that our own government cannot properly equip our brave men and women of the Armed Forces.

Bring It On! also felt that this issue is one that cannot wait and have decided to raise money in advance of the launch of Bake Sales for Body Armor. Please click on this link to donate or get a bumper sticker or shirt to show your support for this cause. All proceeds will be donated to Bake Sales for Body Armor. This is a non-partisan issue, the lives of our soldiers are at stake, please donate now!

After donating, feel free to post this message on your site to help get the word out.

The creator of Bake Sales for Body Armor ia Tammara Rosenleaf, who is a member of Military Families Speak Out (MFSO), Helena Peace Seekers, Just Don't Go and the Prairie Chapel 12. Tammara's husband Sean is currently serving in Iraq. Tammara can be reached at: tammara@bakesalesforbodyarmor.com.

----------------

***Further clarification from Bastard***

I would also note that it is not just body armor. Short of supplying ammunition we are interested in buying whatever the soldier needs to stay alive. Medical equipment, cooking utensils, even clothing. We are taking requests from soldiers now and sorting through what is needed.

----------------

Prescription Beef

2006-01-27T10:11:00.000-05:00

I have face pizza.

Not that you'd know it to look at me now, but I've had a problem with greasy trackage since the 5th grade. My face, quite simply put, is an all-you-can-eat buffet of acne issues. The only reason it's under control NOW is due to one of the most marvelous advents in medical science and pharmaceutical commercialism: Accutane.

Quite simply, it's the most beautifulest pill I've ever taken.

I went on my first round of the miracle drug in high school; three weeks of it eradicated 7 STRAIGHT YEARS of horridious breakouts. The clearface phenomenon lasted all the way through college. In my opinion, it's the pharmaceutical version of the Second Coming of Christ.

Not that everyone will agree with me on this. I mean, dude, the side effects of this medication are a virtual laundry list of horrors. The most dramatic of which are ghastly birth defects that could afflict an unborn child if a female patient gets pregnant. It's obviously a pill that can't be carelessly dispensed so I completely understand that doctors need to go over all the risks before prescribing it.

What I do NOT understand is how Capitol Hill used Accutane as a platform to bust its way into my medicine cabinet.

Back in the day, you needed a counseling session with your doctor and a monthly confirmation that you weren't knocked up -- be it a pregnancy test or a prescription for oral contraceptives. But in 2006 we seemed to have DEVOLVED into some kind of medical dictatorship. The gubment has recently passed legislation that makes it next to IMPOSSIBLE to get an Accutane prescription filled. I'd probably have an easier time requesting 50 kilos of coke at the Target pharmacy. (Now that would make for one HELL of a blog post, wouldn't it...?)

Here, in very rough form, is the gubmental list of Accutane demands:

1) I must be given a blindingly-bright yellow, 3-ring binder issued by a program called iPledge that outlines the horrors of pregnancy and Accutane.

2) I must fill out several pages of documentation stating that I shouldn't have sex, that I won't get pregnant while having sex and that my fetus will emerge with three heads if I become pregnant while having sex.

3) I must register on the iPledge web site once a month, answer a series of (dumbass) questions and confirm that I have not become somebody's baby-mama within the last 30 days. My doctor must also take time out of HIS busy schedule to log on to the site and agree with every word I've typed.

--------
The iPLEDGE program is a computer-based risk management program designed to further the public health goal to eliminate fetal exposure to isotretinoin [Accutane] through a special restricted distribution program approved by the FDA. The program strives to ensure that:

* No female patient starts isotretinoin therapy if pregnant
* No female patient on isotretinoin therapy becomes pregnant

This enhanced program is a SINGLE pregnancy risk management program for prescribing and dispensing all isotretinoin products (brand and generic products). The iPLEDGE program requires registration of all wholesalers distributing isotretinoin, all healthcare professionals prescribing isotretinoin, all pharmacies dispensing isotretinoin, and all male and female patients prescribed isotretinoin. This program is designed to create a verifiable link between the negative pregnancy test and the dispensing of the isotretinoin prescription to the female patient of childbearing potential.
--------

4) My prescription MUST be accomapanied by the blindingly-bright yellow iPledge "card" -- which confirms my understanding that Accutane is killing my unborn child -- when I head to the pharmacy. Otherwise the pharmacist will drag me out into the parking lot and thoroughly fistbeat my ass.

5) If I wait longer than seven days to have my scrip filled it is no longer legally valid and will be consumed in the ever-burning flames of hell.

6) I must return to my doctor once EVERY 30 DAYS to lather, rinse and repeat steps 2 through 6. Which means another $20 copay every month (and is Bush gonna foot the bill for this? I think not).

Someone explain WHY haven't I moved to Canada yet?

I've Been Had

2006-01-26T08:40:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged -- AGAIN!

This time by Lil Red. That means somebody gives a rat's ass for my 2 cents?? I'm fattered!

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1 - Learn another language.
2 - Live in NYC again (maybe).
3 - Get my armpits lasered (hey, YOU asked).
4 - Learn to drive stick (no, not THAT kind of stick...)
5 - Travel to London.
6 - Buy a house.
7 - Learn to play piano (I'm told I'd be good at it).

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1 - TOLERATE STUPID PEOPLE (Red was spot-on with this one).
2 - A split (again, I'm with Red).
3 - Live a life without cats (ibid).
4 - Pee standing up (no fair that dudes can do that).
5 - Not be a geek.
6 - Avoid using a computer for 24 straight hours.
7 - Quit drinking Coke.

Seven Things That Attract Me To...Blogging:
1 - Somebody somewhere said I could write...and I bought it.
2 - Meeting Eric (okay, I didn't KNOW that was going to happen ahead of time, but still...)
3 - Getting comments from some extremely hilarious people.
4 - General disdain for my PAID occupation.
5 - Boredom.
6 - It helps me hone my writing skills (doesn't it, Red??)
7 - It keeps me semi-literate.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1 - "Dude!"
2 - "Like..."
3 - "Um..."
4 - "I hate that!"
5 - "Are you KIDDING me??"
6 - "Retard."
7 - "You're assed out."

Seven Books That I Loved:
1 - Alice In Wonderland (mock all you want to)
2 - The Golden Compass
3 - The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
4 - Jurassic Park (hey, it WAS a good book)
5 - The Poisonwood Bible
6 - The Stand
7 - Parable of the Sower

Seven Movies That I Watch Over and Over Again:
1 - Big Trouble In Little China
2 - Elizabeth (again, siding with Red)
3 - Beetlejuice
4 - Clerks
5 - Clue
6 - Pulp Fiction
7 - Friday

Seven People That Get to Join In Too (if they haven't already):
1 - Tara
2 - Beth
3 - Eric
4 - Genderist
5 - Jay
6 - Dor
7 - JM

Posting Ain't Easy -- Update

2006-01-25T12:27:00.000-05:00

This just in.

Eric would like to thank those of you who backed his decision to consume that nasty ass, seasoned brownie.

You's real cool peeps.

F Your Resolutions

2006-01-24T20:13:00.000-05:00

Somebody in Georgia wants us all to DIE.

And his assault is being launched one coronary at a time.

Last night I watched an episode of The Boondocks. The one where Grandad gets tapped to be the proprietor of a soulfood restaurant called The Itis. His signature dish? The Luther, a one pound slab of ground beef covered in cheese and bacon, sandwiched between two halves of a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

Believe it or not, they're actually serving this up somewhere in Decatur.

But this hunk of gastroanimosity PALES in comparison to the Hamdog. Which starts with a hot dog wrapped in a beef patty, deep-fried then topped with chili, cheese, onions, a fried egg and two fistfuls of french fries on a giant hoagie bun.

They'll whip this one up for you at the same, fine dining establishment that's peddling Luthers.

But Homer Simpson actually outpaced my blog post by a whopping 14 years when, during an episode of "Smartline," he caught wind of THIS plateful of death:

"We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef and then soak it in rich creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham and a fried egg. We call it 'The Good Morning Burger.'"

Fortunately nobody in Georgia has listed the GM Burger on their menu. But give 'em five minutes...

Stolen Initiative

2006-01-23T18:50:00.000-05:00

I had stellar intentions when I got up this morning.

I said to myself, I said, "Self? You are going to post today. And you're gonna post GOOD."

Then, half a day and one opthalmologist visit later (where I learned that instead of one degenerative retinal condition, I actually have ANOTHER) I can barely even see, much less THINK straight.

In other words, I am in no shape to blog today.

But in the hopes of retaining what few readers I might have left, I've unearthed some salient advice for anyone planning a thousand dollar sabbatical to the far east in the hopes of getting (of all things) laid. I'm sure the following will leave you in good stead...but don't sue me if it doesn't. I didn't write it. Hell, I've never even BEEN to Japan.

----------------------------

Universal Guide to Getting Laid in Japan
by fenomas

Part 1 (Guys)

So, you have made your way over to the far east, seen some sights, ridden the trains, bummed around, met some expats, paid too much for shitty coffee, gone to Ueno zoo and so on. Now you're thinking, "This is cool and all but where the ladies at??"

Don't worry brother, I've got your back.

Just follow these simple rules and you absolutely CAN'T go wrong. Granted, the girl you find will not be perfect; in fact, the odds are overwhelming that she'll be shallow, petty, jaded and soulless. But she will be, at least, fashionable.

First, the preliminaries:

1. Be white.
If you can't meet this requirement, then be black -- that's just as good. If that's also out of the question then be whatever you happen to be, as long as you're not Brazillian or from Southeast Asia. If you're one of those, pretend to be ethnic Canadian.

2. DON'T learn Japanese.
Trust me. The girls that you'll meet by following this guide have learned basic conversational English for the same reason that web designers learn Java: it is a necessary part of accomplishing a goal. They will also enjoy the chance to use their English and will be put off if you are able to answer them in Japanese which, if you're reading this, is unlikely.

And now, here's the step-by-step guide. Don't forget to take notes...

3. Go to Roppongi.
Coming from central Tokyo, Roppongi is the second to last station on the Hibiya subway line (the gray line on subway maps). If you're starting on the circular Yamanote train line, you can transfer to the Hibiya line at Ueno or Ebisu.

4. Find GasPanic.
GasPanic is a bar in Roppongi. It is the most popular bar for meeting foreign guys -- a fact you will take advantage of. If you can't find it, hang around the station and if a group of girls points at you (and they will if you followed step 1) ask them for directions. BTW, Thursday night is cheap drink night.

5. Stand at the bar.
Order a drink and don't bother looking interested in anything particular. Chat with a friend if you've brought one. Girls will come up sooner or later and start conversations. Then it will be time to choose which one to set your sights on. I recommend you follow these guidelines:

If she looks 22, she's 15.
If she looks 15, she's 28.
If she looks 28, she's over 40.

Now that that's all sorted out and you've picked out the lucky lady...

6. Make conversation.
Keep things simple. Stay low-key and use lots of vague answers. If you're asked about your job, make up something in the fashion industry or be unemployed. Just don't say you teach English because that locks you into an exclusive club of 99% of the foreigners in Tokyo (none of whom are known for buying expensive gifts, which is a big draw for the types of women you are currently interacting with). If this goes well, then you're ready to...

7. Make your move.
Nothing difficult here. Just talk about how crowded it is and suggest a move to somewhere quieter. If she agrees then you're golden because there is really only one place in Tokyo that is quiet and crowd-free: a love hotel. When it comes to Love Hotels, most girls will have a favorite (for which you will be paying) but if not, just look for neon.

--------------------------

There you have it -- an easy, simple guide to getting laid in Japan. I guarantee that any guy can do this because I have seen it done by some of the most inept quasimodos the world has ever produced. Of course, when the morning comes you'll never want to see the girl again. But if you haven't learned that by your age, I'm not going to make a point out of it.

Part 2 (Girls)

Okay, basically, the method for a girl to get laid in Japan is the same as it is to get laid anywhere else. Why am I even writing this?

Just go to a bar and come on to a guy who doesn't happen to be with any other girls at that particular moment. Play up to his ego, act really interested and imply that you are interested in a purely physical, no-strings-attached night of passion. How simple is that??

If you're a girl and you don't know how to go about getting laid, then you are either a moron or you're laboring under some bizarre illusion that guys are a hell of a lot more complicated than the apes to which our DNA is startlingly similar. Just get off of the internet and wake up to the fact that, as a woman, you hold all of the power in the world of sexual tension. And if you are not having sex on any particular night, it's because you don't want to.

Posting Ain't Easy

2006-01-20T10:14:00.000-05:00

I reached back in time for this story but you'll like it cuz it's funny.

Me, Eric, Candace and Rich are on our way to the movies. We've got about 45 minutes before the show begins so we head to one of the nearby restaurants for drinks and dessert. We seat ourselves at one of the tables, peruse the menus and wait.

And wait.
And wait.

At least half a dozen servers have passed our table without stopping. So we grab our coats and are prepared to vamoose when one of the servers intercepts us and apologizes for the delay. Apparently some broad decided to light up INSIDE the restaurant and it took ages to convince her to cut that shit out. The server asks if we're willing to stick around -- fine, but realize you're skating on thin ice, here.

We ask for our drinks and I tack on an order for the brownie sundae bowl thing. I'm thinking maybe this won't be such a bad place after all.

Until the drinks arrive. I ended up with some girlified cocktail that could have removed RUST, there was so much alcohol in it. I take a few sips before dismissing the thing and just wait for my dessert to show up. Chocolate and ice cream should go a LONG way towards making up for this rapidly declining experience, right?

Um, no.

Twenty minutes later the server shows up with my plate. She's already told us that she'd take special care making the dessert herself so she sits it on the table and admires her own handiwork: a decadent brownie covered with delicate dollops of whipped cream and intricate trails of sprinkled cinnamon. She's almost kissing her OWN ass, she's so proud. Which is probably why she didn't realize that this dessert was severely muffed up.

Less than 30 seconds after she leaves I realize that something ain't workin. I'm supposed to be diving, face first, into a heaping platter of chocolatey goodness. So why am I smelling...

...salt.

And we're all smelling it, yet refusing to allow ourselves to BELIEVE that we're smelling it. Eric finally decides to take a taste of the stuff for confirmation, then declares, "Uh, this ain't cinnamon. This is Season-All."

F-WORD.

Turns out that Chrissy Snow, here, napalmed my brownie with Old Bay Seasoning and didn't even SMELL it during her trip from the kitchen to the table. Cinnamon and Mrs. Dash aren't even CLOSE to each other in the spice rack alphabet so what the hell is the problem???

(Meanwhile, Candace and Rich are losing their shit.)

I immediately request Phoebe's presence and once she arrives, I explain her faux pas. Her response: "No way. You've GOT to be mistaken..."

TASTE the shit, Rose.

"OMG...you guys?? I am SO SORRY!! I don't know how this happened! THEY must have put the wrong seasoning on this!!"

***Notice how the blame has been reassigned. One minute, she's the one slaving for hours over my perfect dessert. The next, she's pointing the finger at an invisible legion of slightly retarded kitchen sprites. ***

(Meanwhile, Candace and Rich are on the floor.)

Corky offers to make amends but, by now, I have no desire to ingest anything that this restaurant can throw on a plate. I request the check and silently fume until we make our way out of there. NOTHING will go right when I'm involved, will it??

ps -- Eric went ahead and ate the thing anyway.

Ingrinable Malfeeance

2006-01-19T16:35:00.000-05:00

I promise to actually AUTHOR a post in the very near future.

Until then, PLEASE help this fool progress to grade 2...

Don't Press the Button

2006-01-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

I obviously can't follow written instructions.

And I'm hoping you can't either.

Stool Pigeon

2006-01-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

If the bird talks, wouldn't it behoove you to take your action someplace else?

Mouthy parrot 'reveals sex secret'
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Posted: 7:46 a.m. EST

LONDON, England -- A computer programmer found out his girlfriend was having an affair when his pet parrot kept repeating her lover's name, British media reported Tuesday.

The African grey parrot kept squawking "I love you, Gary" as his owner, Chris Taylor, sat with girlfriend Suzy Collins on the sofa of their shared flat in Leeds, northern England.

But when Taylor saw Collins's embarrassed reaction, he realized she had been having an affair -- meeting her lover in the flat whilst Ziggy looked on, the UK's Press Association reported.

Ziggy even mimicked Collins's voice each time she answered her telephone, calling out "Hiya Gary," according to newspaper reports.

Call-center worker Collins, 25, admitted the four-month affair with a colleague called Gary to her boyfriend and left the flat she had shared with Taylor, 30, for a year.

Taylor said he had also been forced to part with Ziggy after the bird continued to call out Gary's name and refused to stop squawking the phrases in his ex-girlfriend's voice, media reports said.

"I wasn't sorry to see the back of Suzy after what she did, but it really broke my heart to let Ziggy go," he said.

"I love him to bits and I really miss having him around, but it was torture hearing him repeat that name over and over again.

"I still can't believe he's gone. I know I'll get over Suzy, but I don't think I'll ever get over Ziggy."

Taylor acquired Ziggy as a chick eight years ago and named him after the David Bowie character Ziggy Stardust.

The bird has now found a new home through the offices of a local parrot dealer. Collins, who admitted the affair, said: "I'm not proud of what I did but I'm sure Chris would be the first to admit we were having problems."

She added to The Guardian newspaper: "I am surprised to hear he got rid of that bird. He spent more time talking to it than he did to me."

Thar She Blows

2006-01-17T10:39:00.000-05:00

Shife once commented that some of my funniest posts revolve around Target.

Well Shife, Target is doing its best to keep my blog in business because the stories surrounding that place NEVER seem to end. This one involves the pharmacy counter.

Again.

Eric and I are picking up a prescription. We notice there's not a soul in line so we burn rubber to get to the counter before anyone else does. We're heading straight for it...

...when our eyebrows are singed off by the atomic stench somebody's just blown out of their ass. Jebus Christy O'Malley, who straight LACED it up in here?!?

Of course, the automatic response to an ass-plume of this magnitude is to drop everything and hunt down the culprit. Eric and I launch our surveillance offensive and, lo and behold, we identify our suspect: a grandmother who's out shopping with her daughter and grandchild. As soon as Grandma realizes she's been made, she IMMEDIATELY looks guilty and starts nudging her kids out of the area. Yep, we've found our broad.

Suspect apprehended, there's still the matter of the prescription I came to get. But how am I supposed to complete a retail transaction in funk this pungent?? I have no clue what livestock this woman ingested prior to visiting Target, but the air she laid hasn't dissipated in the LEAST. There's nothing else for it -- we're just gonna have to sit this one out.

I tell Eric that I'm audi until the fumes clear but he knows I'm made of stronger stuff than that. Plus, if we leave, there's guaranteed to be a 10-person line waiting for us when we return. Why MUST he be so damn rational at a time like this?!?

Fine. I switch to mouth-breathing, summon the pharmacist, give her my info, sign the receipt and bolt in what must have been 28 seconds. We peeled out of there so fast I think we left tire tread.

Moral of the story is: DON'T leave the house if you've got unavoidable ass problems. Seriously, people!!!

The Homey Commandments

2006-01-15T19:46:00.000-05:00

For those who find the King James Version a bit too challenging...

1. I am God. Don't play me (I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt have no other gods before me).

2. Don't be makin' no hood ornaments or pendants that look like me (Thou shalt not have any graven images).

3. Don't be callin' me for no reason (Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain).

4. Y'all betta be in church every Sunday; not just on Easter and Christmas (Remember the the Sabbath day and keep it holy).

5. Don't cuss out yo momma or yo' daddy neither, if you know who he is... (Honor thy father and thy mother).

6. Don't run no drive-bys (Thou shalt not kill).

7. Stick to ya own Boo (Thou shalt not commit adultery).

8. Don't be borrowin' junk and then don't give it back (Thou shalt not steal).

9. Don't go lyin' on a dude to save yo' *bleep* (Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother).

10. Don't be skeemin' on yo homey's ice, crib, gear, ride or female (Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother).

NOT a Hoax

2006-01-13T11:02:00.000-05:00

Mulder would be all over this...

Cy, short for Cyclopes, a kitten born with only one eye and no nose, is shown in this photo provided by its owner in Redmond, Oregon, on Wednesday, Dec. 28, 2005. The kitten, a ragdoll breed, which died after living for one day, was one of two in the litter. Its sibling was born normal and healthy.

(AP Photo/Traci Allen)

What Floats Your Boat

2006-01-12T17:05:00.000-05:00

Noticing a pattern in my posts lately, are you?

Trust me, it's not intentional. In fact, this post wasn't inspired by Angelina Jolie's sexual conquests...though I'm sure I'd get a much more enthusiastic response if it was.

Instead, this post is a plea for help.

Your help in defining a word that has increased in significance over the last several years. A word that has come to define a sizable segment of the world's population. A word which has soundly resonated throughout the annals of pop culture.

And that word is: "Ho."

What makes a ho a ho? Sleeping around on the first date? Sleeping with numerous partners? Sleeping with numerous partners simultaneously?

In other words, what floats YOUR ho boat??

H is for Homewrecker

2006-01-11T11:19:00.000-05:00

By now, I'm sure you've ALL heard this...

-------------

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Angelina Jolie is expecting a baby this summer with Brad Pitt, according to a report on People magazine's Web site.

"Yes, I'm pregnant," the magazine quoted Jolie as telling a charity aid worker Monday in the Dominican Republic, where she is filming "The Good Shepherd" with Matt Damon.

The report says the pregnancy was confirmed by representatives of both stars but does not identify them by name.

Pitt and actress Jennifer Aniston announced their separation last January, and Aniston filed for divorce in March, citing irreconcilable differences. The divorce became final in October.

Pitt, 42, has denied Jolie, 30, was behind the split.

-------------

Don't get me wrong. I take no issue with Brangelina, their relationship or their brood of (soon to be) 18 children.

What I do take issue with is the term "homewrecker." And the belief that a woman should shoulder all the blame for destroying a marriage while the wayward husband gets off scott free.

First, let us be honest: there are oodles of hoes in this world.

Hoes who, without shame or regret, would willingly take it upon themselves to tear a marriage asunder. And yes, if and when the marriage falls apart, that ho deserves a foot in the ass and an open-hand slap in the mouth.

But what about the DUDE??

Maybe I'm just listening to the wrong news outlets, but I haven't heard ONE person condemn Brad for leaving Jennifer Aniston. (I can't exactly blame the man; that woman is boring as hell -- but that's fodder for another conversation.)

Sure, Angelina might have had a hand in ending Brad and Jennifer's marriage...
A big hand...
A big, honking, huge ass, GIANT hand...

But BRAD is the one who made the decision to leave his wife for another woman. If Angelina's the ho then Brad certainly qualifies as "co-ho" in my book.

So why don't you ever hear that? I've read how "unfortunate" the break up was and how much of an "emotional toll" it must have taken on Brad. Yet, all of Angelina's recent press seems to amount to "Humanitarian Homewrecking Harpy."

My point is, BOTH of them are skeezers. And if I were Ms. Aniston, I'd have beef with Angelina. But I'd have sirloin STEAK with Brad's creepin' ass.

Homey-land Security

2006-01-10T10:40:00.000-05:00

Thanks to James for the KICKASS title...

Check Yo'self

2006-01-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

I might have to run a drive-by with my shopping cart.

Nowadays it seems that most of us have resorted to check/debit cards to fund our purchases. It's usually faster, easier and just so much more chic than dumping out a pile of balled up cash at the register.

Because, you know, I gotta be mad chic when I roll though The Teet.

So if everybody (except Eric) is on the same, debit card page, how do I manage to get stuck in line behind the ONE monolith that's hellbent on writing a check?!

This happened to me last week at the Target pharmacy counter. I pull in to find a clot of fools posted up next to the prescription drop off area. Being that the pharmacy is in an awkward location, it's hard to find a parking spot for my cart that isn't blocking an entire aisle. On top of that, I realize that the "line" is vaguely pointing in one direction and I'm pointing in another. Someone could easily sashay their way to the counter before I can even get to it, which means I'm already antsy.

So there I am, trying to run some counter-blocking interference, when I realize that I and all the other patrons have been standing in the exact same spot for a solid 7 minutes. The source of the delay: some poor, elderly creature that decides to wait until her total is tallied before pulling out her checkbook and putting pen to paper. And of course, her dexterity is not what it used to be, so what should have been a few lines of basic financial information turns into a master's thesis on economics.

Made even more long-winded by the fact that she insists on holding a conversation with the pharmacist the ENTIRE TIME she's making out the check. I'm not sure that HE even knows what this woman is talking about, but he nods and makes nice as pharmacist probably should. The rest of us are left standing around, feeling guilty over our lack of patience and infuriated that we feel guilty in the first place.

The ordeal ends 10 minutes later. The scars have yet to fade.

New Year, New Dude

2006-01-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

Just shows to go ya: sometimes a CLEAN break is best.

----------------

The first message is a girl’s apology for cheating on her boyfriend. The second is his response:

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now. I feel like the worst person ever.

First, I am truly, truly sorry and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. All of us had WAY too much to drink and I did a stupid thing.

I can handle you being pissed at me. What I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid but you have come to play such a significant role in my life. I hate feeling like you hate me and that all of your friends think Im a terrible person, because I am not.

Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can’t even focus or work today, I can’t eat. I seriously hope against hope that you are not done with me. Please don’t cut me off. I really don’t think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

----------------

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under “L” for “long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less about.”

You did a “stupid thing,” huh? No, doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is “a stupid thing.” Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is “a stupid thing.” Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran isn’t as much a “stupid thing” as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet (not once but twice in a two-hour time span) or that you seemed to think that saying “Well, I didn’t f**k him” somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world “looked funny” to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada bags and jelly beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually consider somebody else’s feelings for 24 hours.

The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person. They just think you’re the average, run of the mill, cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but it’s pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she’s seeing someone else in New Jersey. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser, we’ll laugh our heads off about the whole thing.

Talk to you never,
Brad

p.s. -- I bcc’d about 100 people on this email.

Meet My Parents

2006-01-07T17:25:00.000-05:00

Because they're TRULY starting to lose it.

I got my mother a computer for Crimmus this year but it's been ailing lately so Eric and I planned to go check it out on Saturday. I called a few days in advance to tell my father we'd be coming by.

Well, Saturday morning rolls around and I wake up uber late...maybe around 11:30. I laze around a bit before I roll over to check my cell phone. I hit a few buttons, realize that it's not turning on and reset it. Once it comes back on, I realize I have no less than three voicemails and 6 pages from my parents. Um, what on earth is going on here??

I listen to the messages: the first is my father calling at 9:51am saying that he had to run a few errands and might not be at the house when I arrived. The second is my father saying he was worried that he hadn't heard from me since the first call. The third is my MOTHER sounding frantic and begging me to call her back as soon as possible.

WTF??!?

I've GOT to put an end to this quickly, so I call my father and he immediately freaks out: "You had your mother and I worried SICK! We've been trying to get in touch with you for the past THREE hours! Your mother was afraid that you were laying on the floor, too sick to pick up the phone. We called your friends and your sister but nobody had heard from you. We were even printing out the directions to your house so we could drive over there to see if you were okay..."

ARE? YOU? KIDDING ME?!?

Okay, so if YOUR parents don't hear from you for three hours they leave a voicemail or call back later. MY parents don't hear from me for 3 hours? They file a missing person's report.

It was only later that I discovered where the problem lie: when I'd told my father I'd be coming over, my words were, "More than likely I'll be there sometime in the afternoon."

To an average person, "sometime in the afternoon" sounds like anywhere between 12 and 5. To MY father, it sounds like "I'll be there at EXACTLY noon. If you don't hear from me, I'm dead. Alert the National Guard."

What am I going to DO with them??

Because We Cared

2006-01-06T11:17:00.000-05:00

Man, I am SO crushed.

NEW YORK - Scott Stapp, former lead singer of Creed, is engaged.

Stapp and Jaclyn Nesheiwat, Miss New York USA 2004, will be married Feb. 10 in Florida, they announced this week. They met last January at a gala for the Muscular Dystrophy Association in New York.

The couple became engaged late last year, the singer's publicist, Dvora Vener Englefield, told The Associated Press on Thursday.

Stapp, 32, founded the rock band Creed and won a Grammy Award in 2000 for the song "With Arms Wide Open." He struck out on his own last year with the solo album, "The Great Divide."

Nesheiwat is the director of public affairs for the Scott Stapp Foundation, which promotes healthy parent-child relationships.

Nyah Nyah

2006-01-06T10:56:00.000-05:00

Since I got clowned...

...for admitting that I'm obsessed with certain televised shopping programs, I am hereby repealing my Less Forwards decree. Nyah nyah!

(Dude, it's only January 6th and I'm already going back on my New Years Resolution? LAME.)

Oh well, hope you enjoy it anyway!

I Need A Man

2006-01-05T14:48:00.000-05:00

So I'm watching ShopNBC. Partially because I'm obsessed with it and partially because it makes great background noise when you don't want to be distracted by GOOD television. Anyway, one of the salesbroads is pushing some kind of diamond bangle thingy to her loyal viewers. The suckers were selling like hotcakes when she she decided to go with THIS as a selling point:

"This is the perfect bracelet for a woman who is single and living alone and doesn't want to have to be bothered with closing a clasp."

Okay. Hold it. Back this thing up.

You're selling me a diamond bangle for umpteen-hundred dollars and the ONLY way you can justify this purchase is: I ain't got no man.

Who knew that women were so inane as to base their jewelry purchases on their relationship status? I'm 29 years old and this is the first I've heard of this.

And is it the same situation for EVERYBODY?
1) What if you're a lesbian?
2) What if you've married a dolphin?
3) Do you hock your jewelry after a divorce?
4) What if you're dating a paraplegic?
5) Can your baby-daddy hook you up?
6) What if your husband's secretly gay?
7) Is it really 2006 or did I just dream that up??

New Year, New Tag

2006-01-03T16:05:00.000-05:00

Some Bastard tagged me so I must oblige!

Five Random Facts About Nicole
(Whether these facts are actually that random is up for debate...)

Fact #1: I am scared to death of falling down stairs. It's not that I'm not afraid of the steps themselves. I just have this insane, irrational paranoia of plummeting down a flight. Doesn't matter if they're stationary or in motion -- I'm gripping the hand rails like the jaws of life.

Fact #2: I'm partially Native American. On my father's side. His grandfather was part of the Lightfoot tribe in Big Island, VA. Wish I knew more of the details on the geneology but alas, I don't.

Fact #3: I'm left-handed. A fact that won't raise many eyebrows. But admit it, it's damn COOL! Especially since I'm in the design field -- being left-handed just confirms that I'm supercreative. Besides, those who write with their left hands are in their RIGHT minds. ;)

Fact #4: I was THERE. As in, "I was living and working in Manhattan during 9/11." An admission that might not mean much to some, but it means a hell of a lot to ME. That day was indescribably tragic and surreal.

Fact #5: I have never been drunk. So many have tried to put an end to my decades of sobriety but, as of yet, none of them have succeeded. Mind you, I have nothing against alcohol. I just don't like the taste of it enough to guzzle it until I'm blind in one eye. And as far as drowning my sorrows? That's what 12" strawberry cheesecakes are made for.

You're wishing I'd just go back to posting forwards again, aren't you?

Okay, now to pass on the torch to Lil Red, Vixen, NJ. And, just added, Eric!

(Erech and Mojotek are now off the hook. Sorry dudes.)

High Resolution

2005-12-31T16:02:00.000-05:00

My New Years Resolution for 2006?

Great POSTS.
Less FORWARDS.

Okay, so it should be "FEWER forwards" but you get my drift. Next year there will be more of me and less of those other people. Even though those other people can be pretty dang funny at times.

I'll try to ensure more original content for my loyal readers in 2006. I'll spend every waking hour brainstorming new material. I'll check and double check all urls to ensure accuracy. I WILL BE A BEACON TO BLOGGERS YEARNING TO BREATHE FREE!

Actually, I'll just write more of my own crap and shut the hell up.

HAPPY 2006 TO YOU ALL!!!

Kiss! Kiss!
Nicole :)

Speed Freak

2005-12-29T08:58:00.000-05:00

How exactly do you KNOW you're driving too fast?
(I've got all kinds of email goodies to post by COB 2005 but they're funny, so please bear with me...)

You Would Even Say It Blows

2005-12-27T20:42:00.000-05:00

Word verification.

It would be just dandy if the "word" in question was legible enough to VERIFY.

But it's not the concept that sucks. It's the execution -- at least as far as Blogger is concerned. Not only do they take it upon themselves to throw together the most RANDOM conglomeration of characters ever assembled in the English language. They also feel the need to twist and warp each one to the point of obscurity. It's like holding a defective Speak 'n' Spell in front of a funhouse mirror; only not half as entertaining.

Yes, I am aware of the 238 spam comments I'd be wading through if not for the advent of verification technology. I'm just saying...can't it be a TEENSY bit more user-friendly??

Not that any of this is news to anybody. You guys play through the pain every time you post a [much appreciated] comment on this blog. Just thought I'd let you know that I sincerely empathize. Especially with you, Thordora.

Never Look a Gift Card in the Mouth

2005-12-21T22:17:00.001-05:00

What's the smallest gift you can possibly spend $18.5 billion on?

A frickin gift card.

Okay, so nobody's spending that amount on ONE, solitary card. But that's how much revenue will be generated by these suckers during the 2005 holiday season alone -- $18.5 BILLION, people. That's a hell of a lot of duckets to dunk on one, piddly piece of plastic.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not downing these little gems in the least. They're a life saver to those of us who either have no clue what gift to get somebody or no desire to lose hours of their lives shopping for it. What gets me isn't the existence of gift cards. It's which retailers have taken it upon themselves to SELL them.

I'm not sure who was first on the scene: the Gap, Victoria's Secret, who knows? What I do know is that gift cards became popular because there was a DEMAND for them. People get giddy when they open a colorful, cardstock envelope and discover $25 to spend at Pottery Barn. People do NOT get so giddy when someone hands them $15 bucks to burn at Furniture Medic.

Sure, a Sunoco card is definitely of practical value. But come on, does that really constitute an EXCITING Christmas gift? Are you honestly gonna get all teary-eyed over a $50 endowment from Terminix??

And the REALLY sucky part is, after awhile, a gift card ain't worth jack. Sure your $30 Macy's card might look all sparkly in the wrapper. But after 18 months of burning a hole in your wallet, it's dwindled down to maybe somewhere around...$19?

So next Christmas, when you're roaming the malls, at wit's end over what constitutes an acceptable gift? Think of all the unnecessary drama that a gift card may rain down upon the heads of your loved ones and ask yourself: would they prefer it in red or blue?

Warm and Toasted

2005-12-21T10:55:00.000-05:00

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure
the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs, add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frickin fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry
it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the
Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make
sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas

The Holiday Party

2005-12-19T10:26:00.000-05:00

Everybody's a critic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 4, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols so feel free to sing along. And a Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Don't be surprised if the Managing Director decides to dress up as Santa Claus!

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00. So come out and celebrate the season with us!

Merry Christmas to you and yours,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 5, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas -- though unfortunately not this year.

From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." There will be no Christmas tree or carols sung. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to all,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 6, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table: you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody??

And forget about the gift exchange since the union officials feel that $10.00 is too expensive.

Satisfied?
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 7, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can package everything up for you to take home in a doggy bag.

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert table and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gay people are allowed to sit with each other and lesbians can have their own table so they don't have to sit with gay men.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food for diet people. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste their food first. And there will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

I'm dying here,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: Dec. 8, 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party.

That's it, I've HAD it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it!

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too -- they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. In fact, I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!!!

I hope you all drive drunk and die,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: Dec. 9, 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis/Holiday Party

As of December 8th, 2005, Pauline is no longer acting as Human Resources Director. She has requested a leave of absence and has stated that she has no plans to return in the near future. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say she will be missed.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the December 23rd off with full pay.

Thank you and happy holidays,
J. Bishop

Mad Santa

2005-12-17T10:46:00.000-05:00

And you thought YOUR job sucked?

'Twas the night before Christmas. Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves. He threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa," what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night,
The elves want more money. The reindeer all fight.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has crabs,
Rudolph got busted outside his meth lab.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes -- if THAT ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days, they all are the pits,
They want the impossible -- those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls -- their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo's. No request for them,
They want computers and robots -- they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment,
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year. Wanna know the reason?
I found me a blonde. I'm headed SOUTH for the season!

Your Friday Christmas Funny

2005-12-16T09:54:00.000-05:00

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her shiny, new bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over, handed the girl a $5 ticket and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse. Did Santa bring him to you?"

"He sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl said, "Next year tell Santa the dick should be underneath the horse, not sitting on top of it."

But I Don't Remember ASKING

2005-12-14T09:07:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine just received this notice from his employer regarding office holiday parties:

--------------------

During the holidays, employees are often invited to attend holiday events that are held outside of the office. Please note our policy regarding these events and govern yourselves accordingly:

Employees are permitted to attend external holiday events, but must first obtain legal, written authorization.

Employees may share food with coworkers but participation is strictly voluntary.

Employees are allowed to attend their spouse’s holiday parties.

--------------------

1) "Employees are allowed to attend their spouse's holiday parties?"

Why is this grand show of leniency only extended to married folk? What if you've got a fiance? What if you've got a girlfriend/boyfriend? What if you got a baby-daddy??

2) If you decide to attend, say, your roommate's yuletide fiesta, are agents of Middle Management gonna haul you off to the clink?

3) Since when does anyone require written permission to live their own damn LIFE??

Blow Him Off

2005-12-12T13:56:00.000-05:00

Take one for the team, anyone...?

Your Christmas Top Ten

2005-12-11T13:59:00.000-05:00

10 Things That Sound Dirty at Christmas

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Check out that fruitcake.
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall

The Steal of the Century

2005-12-08T12:39:00.000-05:00

Dude? No joke...

I managed to get an iPod for $50!

This isn't one of those pyramid scheme websites or anything.

No, I'm NOT joking!

In fact, just to show that I'm not selfish, I'll share.

This is an opportunity that's just WAY too good to miss.

Christmas just round the corner, so iPods for all!

If anybody is interested in their own iPod, see below for the info...

The Understudy

2005-12-06T10:33:00.000-05:00

I love Alan Rickman.

No, I've never met the guy -- I just think he's an awesome actor. And you know what's even more awesome? The fact that I mentally handed him the role of "Severus Snape" way before the movie was in pre-production. Because I'm brilliant like that.

But despite my brilliance, something's still bugging me...

There's somebody else out there who was born to play Snape. I just can't think of who it IS!

Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Crap, who is it??

Oh, I got it!

It's this guy...

THE REZNOR, OF COURSE!!!

Come on, you KNOW Trent would be perfect for the role. Just look at the guy: he's got the disdain, he's got the pain, he's got the hair, he's got the melancholy and he's just RIDDLED with Snape attitude.

But the best part is, he'll bring his own soundtrack. Think about it, most of the album "With Teeth" could act as the musical score for "Snape on Broadway."

Like I said, I love Mr. Rickman. But if at some point (God forbid) he tires of this whole Harry Potter thing? He's already got the perfect understudy.

The White Ho

2005-12-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

FINALLY some honesty in the media.

Your Friday Hug

2005-12-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

Compliments of nicoleMART.

CSI:Sucks

2005-12-01T09:51:00.000-05:00

Hold it. Just gimme a second to explain myself.

You're right, it didn't always suck. I mean, the first four seasons of the series were THE. BOMB. But since season five struck? CSI: has been beyond lackluster. Hell, the last two weeks' episodes were so boring that I just deleted them off my TiVo.

Okay, I'm sure that at least ONE diehard fan is going to come across this post and decide to wage war against it. Which means it's probably a good idea for me to back up my assertion sooner than later. So here's the forensic evidence -- I think it's enough to get me a warrant.

Reasons that CSI sucks (in no particular order):

1) Greg is out of the DNA lab. And out of his element. Now he's boring as hell -- no spiked hair, no cornball jokes, no obnoxious death metal blasting out of his earphones. Just a somber, cardboard cutout of the life-loving boy he used to be. I ain't feelin' him no more.

2) Warrick is married. Outside of the fact that this man was my baby-daddy, this is probably the dumbest piece of writing that a CSI: staffer has ever penned. The dude knows some broad for all of 2 months but because his homey got buried alive, he thinks he's obligated to run out and get hitched at a drive-thru chapel?? Whatthehellever.

Besides, we NEVER used to hear this much about a CSI's personal life. Now Warrick is hitting his wife up during work hours for bootie calls. What is this, "The Young and the Restless?!"

3) The mood music is gone. Mood music is CRUCIAL for maintaining the flow of an episode. Whenever one of the CSIs was performing some tedious procedure in the lab, the snazzy score would swoop in and make the whole scene more interesting. Now you barely hear it. I mean sure, they'll play a catchy, mainstream song here and there. But the homemade music has become more and more scarce lately. Which means there's plenty of deafening silence during all the...

4) Overdramatic character spats. Of course there's gonna be drama between colleagues, but CSI: writers used to know how to handle it. A pissed off glance or a snarky retort and the temper tantrum was over. Now every week, entire SCENES are devoted to Catherine's hatred of Warrick's new wife or Sarah sobbing to Grissom over her jacked up family history. Work out your crap on your own time, people!

5) It's just no FUN anymore. The main reason CSI: now blows is simply this: it's taking itself WAY too damn seriously. And the reasons are obvious -- actors are getting bored of acting out the same plots, writers are getting bored of writing the same plots. So now they wanna stretch their artistic legs and mold a 1-hour forensic drama into the next cinematic tour de force. Mofo, if I wanted an Oscar-caliber piece of film making, I'd go sit through "Pride and Prejudice."

Yes, I know everyone's not gonna agree with me on this (if anyone out there even CARES). But you have to at least admit that the show has changed and, in my opinion, not at all for the better.

What happened, CSI:?!?
We used to be homies.
Peeps.
Ace boon coons.

Man, it's like I don't even KNOW you anymore.

50 Cents' Big Blue Magic Stick

2005-11-30T10:34:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's just as bad as you feared.

Rapper’s Latest Side Hustle is Within the Lucrative Sex Industry.
November 30, 2005

While rappers like Snoop Dogg and Lil’ Jon host porn videos to make extra dollars, 50 Cent is looking to cash in on the various equipment used within the industry, with specific plans to release his own line of condoms and sex toys.

The rapper hopes to build upon his successful clothing line and array of energy drinks by putting his name on prophylactics and, (gasp), a vibrator.

“I need to make a motorized version of me,” he tells GQ in its latest issue. “A motorized version of me will definitely have to be waterproof, so you could utilize it in the tub. A lot of them (vibrators) aren't waterproof.”

“Blue is my favorite color, so it would probably be blue,” he adds. “But I don't know how big. I don't know if big is better because I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo. But I want to do something like that, to create something that's popular and exciting sexually for women.”

Bye, Mr. Miyagi

2005-11-28T21:05:00.000-05:00

R.I.P. Pat Morita

LOS ANGELES - Actor Pat Morita, whose portrayal of the wise and dry-witted Mr. Miyagi in "The Karate Kid" earned him an Oscar nomination, has died. He was 73.

Morita died Thursday at his home in Las Vegas of natural causes, said his wife of 12 years, Evelyn. She said in a statement that her husband, who first rose to fame with a role on "Happy Days," had "dedicated his entire life to acting and comedy."

In 1984, he appeared in the role that would define his career and spawn countless affectionate imitations. As Kesuke Miyagi, the mentor to Ralph Macchio's "Daniel-san," he taught karate while trying to catch flies with chopsticks and offering such advice as "wax on, wax off" to guide Daniel through chores to improve his skills.

Morita said in a 1986 interview with The Associated Press he was billed as Noriyuki "Pat" Morita in the film because producer Jerry Weintraub wanted him to sound more ethnic. He said he used the billing because it was "the only name my parents gave me."

For years, Morita played small and sometimes demeaning roles in such films as "Thoroughly Modern Millie" and TV series such as "The Odd Couple" and "Green Acres" His first breakthrough came with "Happy Days" and he followed with his own brief series, "Mr. T and Tina."

"The Karate Kid" led to three sequels, the last of which, 1994's "The Next Karate Kid" paired him with a young Hilary Swank.

What's in a Name

2005-11-28T00:14:00.000-05:00

This, from the Online Sun...

Wackiest Web Names Ever
By JONATHAN WEINBERG

Ever done something, then instantly regretted that you didn't check things out a bit more closely?

Well, the people behind these websites must have been kicking themselves after buying this set of wacky domain names. At first glance they might seem innocent enough, but have another read.

Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net

Need a therapist: www.therapistfinder.com

Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen: www.powergenitalia.com

I've Been Tagged

2005-11-25T21:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, Vixen got me. I must obey:

1) What are three items you have leftover from Thanksgiving that are in your refrigerator right now?
Do I have to limit it to three? All right: turkey, sweet potatoes and green beans.

2) What kind of leftover treats will you make with the three items you listed?
I will make a plate. I will stick said plate in the microwave. Then I will stuff my face with the contents of that plate until they are depleted.

3) How long will you keep the leftovers before you toss’em out?
There is no tossing. They probably won't live to see Tuesday.

4) Now that we’ve done some leftover talk it’s time to spread some linky love.
It is at this point that I must pass the turkey day mic to my blog peeps (please don't hate me):

Eric
Mr. Shife
Scarlett

Happy Tryptophan Day

2005-11-25T08:15:00.000-05:00

One for the Turkey Day peeps out there...

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep,
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned – the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning in anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.

So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
‘Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees,
Happy eating to all; pass the cranberries please.

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, may your pie take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

Six Good Tips

2005-11-22T12:47:00.000-05:00

I'm sure these will be useful to some of you.

1. It is important to find a man that helps you around the house.

2. It is important to find a man that makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man that doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a man that loves and spoils you.

5. It is important to find a man that has a job.

6. It is important that none of these five men know each other.

Go Shorty

2005-11-21T00:01:00.000-05:00

...it's my burfday.

I'm not at work, because it's my burfday.
Ain't gonna dish no dirt, because it's my burfday.
And I know you don't give a flip today's my burfday.

Charity Cases

2005-11-18T22:28:00.000-05:00

Even the less fortunate have standards.

Today I'm leaving work when I notice the "Angel Tree" charity sign posted next to the exit, so I stop to check it out. For those that are unfamiliar, the Angel Tree drive donates holiday toys and gifts to children whose parents are either less fortunate or imprisoned. There's usually a tree-shaped display adorned with gift tags, each bearing a child's name and their gift wish. You just select one of the tags, buy the requested gift, drop it off and pat yourself on the back for being such a charitable S.O.B.

(Okay, not quite that last part but you get my drift.)

I participated in the program last year through my church, so when I saw the signs today I figured I'd give it another go. I walk up to the display and start reading through the gift requests. They appear pretty normal at first -- items like "Barbie dolls," "CDs" and "video games" are up for bids. Then I look a little closer and realize that materialism knows no income level.

There were at least 4 requests for an iPod.
One girl wanted a DVD player.
Two requests for 10 speed bikes.
And someone's child is expecting, of all things, makeup??

Okay, well let's swing around and check out the boy's side:

A few more iPod requests made the cut.
We've got one boy for a PSP.
Another for a PS2.
Yet another bike.
And some other little dude is actually demanding a COMPUTER.

Lemme get this straight: you're less fortunate, you're the child of an inmate, you've had a hard life and for that you want an iPod?? How is that HELPING anybody? I mean, it's one thing to try and make a poor child's Christmas a little brighter. It's another to set them loose in Best Buy with a shopping cart and a credit card. This isn't charity -- it's extortion!

It's One of Those Thursdays

2005-11-17T13:54:00.000-05:00

Aww S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

She was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and, once again, said "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means:

'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"

Got This One For Peanuts

2005-11-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

You're kidding.

You are Snoopy!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Guts and Balls

2005-11-15T16:35:00.000-05:00

The difference between guts and balls can be defined as follows:

Guts: arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask, "Are you cleaning or are you gonna fly off on that thing?"

Balls: arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfurme and beer, with lipstick on your collar. Then slapping your wife on the ass and saying, "You're next."

Grody Jody

2005-11-13T18:02:00.000-05:00

***DISCLAIMER***
If you are in any way skeeved out by conversations
that involve "feminine issues" then I suggest
you turn a blind eye to this next entry.

For those that are still with me, I know I've been posting some grossly graphic narratives as of late, and for that I apologize. But I've just gotta vent about this...

What the hell is up with the she-wolves in my office frickin bleeding all over the floor of the ladies restroom??!? SERIOUSLY. At least once a week I step into a stall to find evidence of a minor hemorrhage. My three thoughts:

1) What is a broad doing when she messes THAT up?

2) The floor is beige, blood is not. Your ass saw that shit.

3) Then you expect cleaning lady Bettina to sop up YOUR mess after hours?

I mean, what the hell kind of forest beast pulls a stunt like this??!?

Helmet Head

2005-11-09T17:03:00.000-05:00

I have not a CLUE what to say about this...

DARAIN HOUSEN has not taken off his hat for the last 20 years. He bathes, sleeps and does everything possible in it. It is a perfect fit.

But unlike other hats, his is not made of cloth but from the very hair on his head, which is why it cannot be removed.

Housen has been sporting his 'Natural Hat' hairstyle for the last 20 years. The 40-year-old barber who lives in Somerset, St. Thomas, said he came up with the idea after some of his friends decided to wear hats to a party but he could not find his own to wear.

The morning after the party, Housen clipped the rough edges and for six months he kept growing the 'peak.' Since then he has not made major changes to his 'Hat'.

FLIRT WITH DANGER
The 'hat' has shocked and awed everyone including policemen, tourists and judges.

While coming from a dance early one morning, Housen was stopped by a policeman who insisted that he remove the 'hat.' He also said he was ordered by a judge to take off his 'hat' while on jury duty.

People from all over the island have taken photos with Housen, but while he has become quite an attraction, he has never charged a fee to have a photo taken of his hair.

Yet there is no doubt about Housen's fame. When we attempted to locate him for an interview, the team only had to mention 'the man with the hair hat' and we were immediately pointed in the right direction.

This is Some Bull

2005-11-08T14:17:00.000-05:00

Old news by now, but what the hey?

Reward Offered in Theft of Bull Semen
Wednesday November 02, 2005 6:05am

Wolfsville, Md. (AP) - Frederick County cattle farmer Eric Fleming is offering a reward in hopes of finding who took his entire supply of bull semen.

He discovered the theft Sunday evening after returning from a day trip to his farm in Wolfsville.

The loss totaled 75,000 dollars and was Fleming's entire supply, and included the valuable semen of several prominent sires. Fleming has spread the word about the theft on Web sites of interest to cattle breeders and the Sheriff's office is investigating.

The semen was stored in six canisters that were taken from a refrigeration tank, apparently by someone who brought one of their own. Frederick County cattle farmer Eric Fleming is offering a reward \r\nin hopes of finding who took his entire supply of bull semen.

Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press.

Hands Where I Can See 'Em

2005-11-08T11:32:00.000-05:00

In the office restroom, which of the following is more heinous?

a) Washing your hands without soap?
b) Not washing your hands at all?
c) Offering a handshake immediately after implementing options A or B?
d) All of the above, when a coworker catches your skank tail in the act?

D-AMD Channel

2005-11-06T23:53:00.000-05:00

Discovery Health. Or the Anomalies, Maladies and Deformities Channel, if you're nasty.

There's a truly awful (read: fascinating) series that airs on the Discovery Health Channel called "Medical Incredible." It showcases just about every rare genetic disorder known to man. How bad is it? Well, Sunday night's installment featured a "skinless" baby. I just started watching this particular episode and this kid's problem is just ONE of a multitude of maladies the show plans to present us with. We've got:

1) Skinless Baby
2) Elast-i-Skin
3) Mouth-Covering Birthmark
4) Half-Hearted Baby

To put the squeamish at ease, Skinless Baby isn't really skin-LESS. He was merely born with 30% of the skin mysteriously "missing" from his body. And he's a TWIN. I'm sure his sister is busy teasing the rest of the skin off of him by now, the poor kid.

Next is a boy in Australia who crashed into a COW and needed emergency brain surgery. He's fine now. Fast forward.

Now, on to Elast-i-Skin. This dude is known as Gary "Stretch" Turner and can yank his neck skin up to his chin or affix his elbow to his waist using binder clips. He currently holds the world record for wearing the most clothespins clipped to his face -153 in total.

Next is Mouth-Covering tumor, easily the most disturbing of the show's abnormalities. A poor Albanian lady is afflicted with a mouth-covering birthmark that won't stop growing. It spans the lower half of her face, all the way around her neck and down to her chest. They removed some of the growth, but of course they weren't bright enough to film any "after" footage. Morons.

But this next malady is one that you'd ALMOST wish on yourself. A girl is born with half a heart and requires three emergency surgeries to rearrange her circulatory system. She survived the first two procedures, but needs to grow a little before she can receive the third. Problem is that now her body refuses to grow; she's a 3 year old trapped in a 1 year old body. The doctors need her to gain some serious weight, pronto. So what do they advise her parents to do...?

STUFF HER FULL OF JUNK FOOD.

No joke. As I type this, she's feeding on a trough of potato chips, a platter of M&Ms, a head-size burger and a bucket of soda.

THIS is life-saving medicine?? Dude, where do I sign up??!

R. Kelly Spells Relief

2005-11-03T15:46:00.000-05:00

Wait, the R'uh has teamed up with MJ? Which of them will drop the first "Child Molestation Relief" CD?

NEW YORK (AP) -- By the time R. Kelly is done with his "Trapped in the Closet" saga, it may have more chapters than "Moby Dick."

Parts one through twelve of the dramatic, over-the-top cheating story were released on DVD this week. Kelly says he actually had 22 chapters completed -- "and (it's) still going

"Other characters are being introduced into the whole situation, and it's just this big whirlwind, a circle of just drama, of things that really do happen on the earth," he told The Associated Press. "It's gonna flip people out because some people are going to see themselves in these chapters, and that's what keeps the excitement going -- I think that's what keeps people going, 'I've got the get the next one!' "

It's not Kelly's only project: He's working on Michael Jackson's all-star charity record to aid victims of Hurricane Katrina, which he called "unbelievable." He says his own hurricane relief album will be released in the next few months.

And Kelly also has recorded a song for the "Hurricane Relief Now" project, a double-CD featuring Faith Hill, Norah Jones, B.B. King, Elton John and dozens of others, due to be released November 22.

Kelly said his contribution, "Let Your Light Shine," is his attempt to bring attention to "those that are struggling all over the world, from Africa, to Asia, to Egypt to everywhere ... it's not about just New Orleans."

But he said it stresses overcoming personal woes -- a subject the singer can certainly identify with. Kelly faces trial on three-year-old charges of child pornography stemming from allegations he videotaped sexual acts with a teenage girl. The singer has denied the allegations, and no trial date has been set.

"I'm going through my own struggle, my own hurricane in a way, we all do, and you're either gonna fold or you're going to stand, and I believe in standing," Kelly said. "I believe in overcoming, and if I can do it, I wanna be that light so people can see me and feel they can be inspired and say, you know, R. Kelly can get through this, I can get through this, so we can actually go through this together."

Stickin' it to the Man

2005-11-03T11:50:00.000-05:00

Somehow, I'm thinking he already knew this broad was bonkers...

WESTMORELAND COUNTY, Pa. -- Gail O'Toole was convicted of simple assault and sentenced to six months probation for acts she committed against her ex-lover.

On Wednesday, the civil suit went to court, where O'Toole's ex-boyfriend claimed her "outrageous" and "inhumane" acts are worth thousands in damages.

Ken Slaby said he was in love with O'Toole five years ago. He even admitted he was devastated when O'Toole broke it off. So, when O'Toole invited him over to her Murrysville home to rekindle a friendship, he said he agreed. Slaby said O'Toole even went to his house in Pittsburgh to pick him up.

But according to Slaby, the night took a turn when O'Toole got angry about Slaby's new love. Slaby said O'Toole waited until he fell asleep and glued his penis to his stomach, his testicle to his leg and glued his buttocks together.

Then came the nail polish. Slaby claimed O'Toole dumped it all over his head.

When he woke up, Slaby said O'Toole threw him out. He didn't have a car, so he was forced to walk one mile down Route 22 to call 911 and Murrysville police, Slaby said.

When asked if in his 23 years as a police officer he had seen anything like this, Patrolman Joseph Malone of the Murrysville Police Department said, "No, I can't say I have."

At the hospital, oils did little to remove the glue. Nurses actually had to peel it off. Slaby underwent treatment from a dermatologist several times afterward.

O'Toole's attorney said this was part of routine sexual activity between the couple -- acts that he agreed to -- incidents that should have stayed in the bedroom.

But Slaby claims that O'Toole told him she planned the acts since the break up. According to Slaby, O'Toole came up with a script and followed it to the letter because she was angry that he had moved on.

Slaby said his injuries included severe burning on parts of his body, impingement of normal bodily functions and discoloration of his hair.

The 10 men and two women on the jury can award Slaby $30,000 or more. Their decision is expected late on Thursday.

Copyright 2005 by ThePittsburghChannel. All rights reserved.

The Why Fors

2005-11-01T09:09:00.000-05:00

Quick question...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are shot?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when there's not enough in the account to pay it?

Why do people believe there are four billion stars in the sky but need proof that wet paint is actually wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, yet he ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why aren't there any father-in-law jokes?

Why is there a letter "S" in the word "lisp?"

Why do people constantly return to the same refrigerator to find something new to eat?

Why are there locks on the doors of a 7-Eleven?