Nobody knows my reputation.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Stolen Initiative

I had stellar intentions when I got up this morning.

I said to myself, I said, "Self? You are going to post today. And you're gonna post GOOD."

Then, half a day and one opthalmologist visit later (where I learned that instead of one degenerative retinal condition, I actually have ANOTHER) I can barely even see, much less THINK straight.

In other words, I am in no shape to blog today.

But in the hopes of retaining what few readers I might have left, I've unearthed some salient advice for anyone planning a thousand dollar sabbatical to the far east in the hopes of getting (of all things) laid. I'm sure the following will leave you in good stead...but don't sue me if it doesn't. I didn't write it. Hell, I've never even BEEN to Japan.


Universal Guide to Getting Laid in Japan
by fenomas

Part 1 (Guys)

So, you have made your way over to the far east, seen some sights, ridden the trains, bummed around, met some expats, paid too much for shitty coffee, gone to Ueno zoo and so on. Now you're thinking, "This is cool and all but where the ladies at??"

Don't worry brother, I've got your back.

Just follow these simple rules and you absolutely CAN'T go wrong. Granted, the girl you find will not be perfect; in fact, the odds are overwhelming that she'll be shallow, petty, jaded and soulless. But she will be, at least, fashionable.

First, the preliminaries:

1. Be white.
If you can't meet this requirement, then be black -- that's just as good. If that's also out of the question then be whatever you happen to be, as long as you're not Brazillian or from Southeast Asia. If you're one of those, pretend to be ethnic Canadian.

2. DON'T learn Japanese.
Trust me. The girls that you'll meet by following this guide have learned basic conversational English for the same reason that web designers learn Java: it is a necessary part of accomplishing a goal. They will also enjoy the chance to use their English and will be put off if you are able to answer them in Japanese which, if you're reading this, is unlikely.

And now, here's the step-by-step guide. Don't forget to take notes...

3. Go to Roppongi.
Coming from central Tokyo, Roppongi is the second to last station on the Hibiya subway line (the gray line on subway maps). If you're starting on the circular Yamanote train line, you can transfer to the Hibiya line at Ueno or Ebisu.

4. Find GasPanic.
GasPanic is a bar in Roppongi. It is the most popular bar for meeting foreign guys -- a fact you will take advantage of. If you can't find it, hang around the station and if a group of girls points at you (and they will if you followed step 1) ask them for directions. BTW, Thursday night is cheap drink night.

5. Stand at the bar.
Order a drink and don't bother looking interested in anything particular. Chat with a friend if you've brought one. Girls will come up sooner or later and start conversations. Then it will be time to choose which one to set your sights on. I recommend you follow these guidelines:

If she looks 22, she's 15.
If she looks 15, she's 28.
If she looks 28, she's over 40.

Now that that's all sorted out and you've picked out the lucky lady...

6. Make conversation.
Keep things simple. Stay low-key and use lots of vague answers. If you're asked about your job, make up something in the fashion industry or be unemployed. Just don't say you teach English because that locks you into an exclusive club of 99% of the foreigners in Tokyo (none of whom are known for buying expensive gifts, which is a big draw for the types of women you are currently interacting with). If this goes well, then you're ready to...

7. Make your move.
Nothing difficult here. Just talk about how crowded it is and suggest a move to somewhere quieter. If she agrees then you're golden because there is really only one place in Tokyo that is quiet and crowd-free: a love hotel. When it comes to Love Hotels, most girls will have a favorite (for which you will be paying) but if not, just look for neon.


There you have it -- an easy, simple guide to getting laid in Japan. I guarantee that any guy can do this because I have seen it done by some of the most inept quasimodos the world has ever produced. Of course, when the morning comes you'll never want to see the girl again. But if you haven't learned that by your age, I'm not going to make a point out of it.

Part 2 (Girls)

Okay, basically, the method for a girl to get laid in Japan is the same as it is to get laid anywhere else. Why am I even writing this?

Just go to a bar and come on to a guy who doesn't happen to be with any other girls at that particular moment. Play up to his ego, act really interested and imply that you are interested in a purely physical, no-strings-attached night of passion. How simple is that??

If you're a girl and you don't know how to go about getting laid, then you are either a moron or you're laboring under some bizarre illusion that guys are a hell of a lot more complicated than the apes to which our DNA is startlingly similar. Just get off of the internet and wake up to the fact that, as a woman, you hold all of the power in the world of sexual tension. And if you are not having sex on any particular night, it's because you don't want to.


Advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with 100% of your brain.

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