James Can Kiss It

Forget all this; just gimme two tin cans and a string.

High-speed internet. A relatively recent but hardly cutting-edge technological advent. I've had the service for at least four years and I was hardly the first to jump on the bandwagon. So you'd think that these big, telecommunications conglomerates would have something figured out by now, right? No you wouldn't.

James Earl Jones has been peddling DSL since the Mayflower docked. Yet it's 2005 and these fools don't have clue the first.

I ordered my DSL sometime last week. But I get an order confirmation that says my service won't be activated until 10/19. Wait, it takes three whole weeks just to turn this joker on?? I'm moving on 10/15 and there is no way that I'm going without an internet connection for an entire 96 hours.

So I ring up Verizon. After a solid, 15 minute hold I finally get in touch with the DSL tech reps. Nice, calm, "knowledgeable" bunch of folks that should be able to solve my woes ASAP, right? Whatthehellever.

After going through their "What's your 10 digit phone number, starting with your area code first" song and dance, I explain my problem to DSL Guy: I'm paying for a service that Verizon refuses to activate for an eon. DSL Guy apologizes and explains that my activation date is "set in stone" and cannot be changed. He claims that the process to register my DSL modem on the Verizon server is "long" and "complicated." It also involves lots of "testing."

Sorry, still not hearing a rational explanation for a three week activation wait, jackdaw.

DSL Guy offers to make NO amends. Until I inform him that my DSL account is crucial to my ability to work from home and that I'd be totally willing to take my business elsewhere. Lo and behold, DSL Guy suddenly ponies up "complimentary dial-up" service in an attempt to extinguish the flames of my building fury.

He then transfers me to Billing Fool who keeps me on hold for another 10 minutes before she realizes that (at 10:30 on a Wednesday morning) I am at work. Therefore, I can't go through the process of setting up a "manual registration for complimentary dial-up" with her over the phone.

I'm not even a customer yet, but James Earl Jones needs to bend over and kiss my black ass, pronto.