Nobody knows my reputation.

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Hold it. Just gimme a second to explain myself.

You're right, it didn't always suck. I mean, the first four seasons of the series were THE. BOMB. But since season five struck? CSI: has been beyond lackluster. Hell, the last two weeks' episodes were so boring that I just deleted them off my TiVo.

Okay, I'm sure that at least ONE diehard fan is going to come across this post and decide to wage war against it. Which means it's probably a good idea for me to back up my assertion sooner than later. So here's the forensic evidence -- I think it's enough to get me a warrant.

Reasons that CSI sucks (in no particular order):

1) Greg is out of the DNA lab. And out of his element. Now he's boring as hell -- no spiked hair, no cornball jokes, no obnoxious death metal blasting out of his earphones. Just a somber, cardboard cutout of the life-loving boy he used to be. I ain't feelin' him no more.

2) Warrick is married. Outside of the fact that this man was my baby-daddy, this is probably the dumbest piece of writing that a CSI: staffer has ever penned. The dude knows some broad for all of 2 months but because his homey got buried alive, he thinks he's obligated to run out and get hitched at a drive-thru chapel?? Whatthehellever.

Besides, we NEVER used to hear this much about a CSI's personal life. Now Warrick is hitting his wife up during work hours for bootie calls. What is this, "The Young and the Restless?!"

The mood music is gone. Mood music is CRUCIAL for maintaining the flow of an episode. Whenever one of the CSIs was performing some tedious procedure in the lab, the snazzy score would swoop in and make the whole scene more interesting. Now you barely hear it. I mean sure, they'll play a catchy, mainstream song here and there. But the homemade music has become more and more scarce lately. Which means there's plenty of deafening silence during all the...

4) Overdramatic character spats. Of course there's gonna be drama between colleagues, but CSI: writers used to know how to handle it. A pissed off glance or a snarky retort and the temper tantrum was over. Now every week, entire SCENES are devoted to Catherine's hatred of Warrick's new wife or Sarah sobbing to Grissom over her jacked up family history. Work out your crap on your own time, people!

5) It's just no FUN anymore
. The main reason CSI: now blows is simply this: it's taking itself WAY too damn seriously. And the reasons are obvious -- actors are getting bored of acting out the same plots, writers are getting bored of writing the same plots. So now they wanna stretch their artistic legs and mold a 1-hour forensic drama into the next cinematic tour de force. Mofo, if I wanted an Oscar-caliber piece of film making, I'd go sit through "Pride and Prejudice."

Yes, I know everyone's not gonna agree with me on this (if anyone out there even CARES). But you have to at least admit that the show has changed and, in my opinion, not at all for the better.

What happened, CSI:?!?
We used to be homies.
Ace boon coons.

Man, it's like I don't even KNOW you anymore.


Advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with 100% of your brain.

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