Prescription Beef

I have face pizza.

Not that you'd know it to look at me now, but I've had a problem with greasy trackage since the 5th grade. My face, quite simply put, is an all-you-can-eat buffet of acne issues. The only reason it's under control NOW is due to one of the most marvelous advents in medical science and pharmaceutical commercialism: Accutane.

Quite simply, it's the most beautifulest pill I've ever taken.

I went on my first round of the miracle drug in high school; three weeks of it eradicated 7 STRAIGHT YEARS of horridious breakouts. The clearface phenomenon lasted all the way through college. In my opinion, it's the pharmaceutical version of the Second Coming of Christ.

Not that everyone will agree with me on this. I mean, dude, the side effects of this medication are a virtual laundry list of horrors. The most dramatic of which are ghastly birth defects that could afflict an unborn child if a female patient gets pregnant. It's obviously a pill that can't be carelessly dispensed so I completely understand that doctors need to go over all the risks before prescribing it.

What I do NOT understand is how Capitol Hill used Accutane as a platform to bust its way into my medicine cabinet.

Back in the day, you needed a counseling session with your doctor and a monthly confirmation that you weren't knocked up -- be it a pregnancy test or a prescription for oral contraceptives. But in 2006 we seemed to have DEVOLVED into some kind of medical dictatorship. The gubment has recently passed legislation that makes it next to IMPOSSIBLE to get an Accutane prescription filled. I'd probably have an easier time requesting 50 kilos of coke at the Target pharmacy. (Now that would make for one HELL of a blog post, wouldn't it...?)

Here, in very rough form, is the gubmental list of Accutane demands:

1) I must be given a blindingly-bright yellow, 3-ring binder issued by a program called iPledge that outlines the horrors of pregnancy and Accutane.

2) I must fill out several pages of documentation stating that I shouldn't have sex, that I won't get pregnant while having sex and that my fetus will emerge with three heads if I become pregnant while having sex.

3) I must register on the iPledge web site once a month, answer a series of (dumbass) questions and confirm that I have not become somebody's baby-mama within the last 30 days. My doctor must also take time out of HIS busy schedule to log on to the site and agree with every word I've typed.

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The iPLEDGE program is a computer-based risk management program designed to further the public health goal to eliminate fetal exposure to isotretinoin [Accutane] through a special restricted distribution program approved by the FDA. The program strives to ensure that:

* No female patient starts isotretinoin therapy if pregnant
* No female patient on isotretinoin therapy becomes pregnant

This enhanced program is a SINGLE pregnancy risk management program for prescribing and dispensing all isotretinoin products (brand and generic products). The iPLEDGE program requires registration of all wholesalers distributing isotretinoin, all healthcare professionals prescribing isotretinoin, all pharmacies dispensing isotretinoin, and all male and female patients prescribed isotretinoin. This program is designed to create a verifiable link between the negative pregnancy test and the dispensing of the isotretinoin prescription to the female patient of childbearing potential.
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4) My prescription MUST be accomapanied by the blindingly-bright yellow iPledge "card" -- which confirms my understanding that Accutane is killing my unborn child -- when I head to the pharmacy. Otherwise the pharmacist will drag me out into the parking lot and thoroughly fistbeat my ass.

5) If I wait longer than seven days to have my scrip filled it is no longer legally valid and will be consumed in the ever-burning flames of hell.

6) I must return to my doctor once EVERY 30 DAYS to lather, rinse and repeat steps 2 through 6. Which means another $20 copay every month (and is Bush gonna foot the bill for this? I think not).

Someone explain WHY haven't I moved to Canada yet?