The Holiday Party

Everybody's a critic.

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TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 4, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols so feel free to sing along. And a Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Don't be surprised if the Managing Director decides to dress up as Santa Claus!

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00. So come out and celebrate the season with us!

Merry Christmas to you and yours,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

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TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 5, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas -- though unfortunately not this year.

From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." There will be no Christmas tree or carols sung. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to all,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

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TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 6, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table: you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody??

And forget about the gift exchange since the union officials feel that $10.00 is too expensive.

Satisfied?
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

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TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 7, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can package everything up for you to take home in a doggy bag.

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert table and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gay people are allowed to sit with each other and lesbians can have their own table so they don't have to sit with gay men.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food for diet people. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste their food first. And there will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

I'm dying here,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

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TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: Dec. 8, 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party.

That's it, I've HAD it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it!

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too -- they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. In fact, I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!!!

I hope you all drive drunk and die,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

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FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: Dec. 9, 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis/Holiday Party

As of December 8th, 2005, Pauline is no longer acting as Human Resources Director. She has requested a leave of absence and has stated that she has no plans to return in the near future. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say she will be missed.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the December 23rd off with full pay.

Thank you and happy holidays,
J. Bishop