Nobody knows my reputation.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Mo' Money...Mo'crickets

The dude knows where I live.

In two weeks, I'll be fleeing my moron infested, one bedroom crackerbox in favor of a three level townhome. Which means you won't find a giddier son-of-a-somebody on the face of the earth. Hootie hoo!!!

Okay, quit gloating and make with the story.

Obviously the worst part of a move is the move. Which means I have to put some kind of relocation plan into action. I'll move all the portable stuff until the 15th when the movers show up to haul everything else. So far, everything has been running according to plan. I've been lugging assloads of crap from the old apartment to the new place relatively swiftly and it looks like I'll be done in record time. Until my run-in with THE SPAWN OF SATAN in my basement, yesterday.

(So maybe "spawn of satan" is a little overblown. But this sucker is my arch nemesis so I can refer to him however I want.)

Anyway, there's this "utility room" in the basement that houses the washer/dryer and various other pipes and conduits. I've been in this room several times before and it was nothing to write home about. No leprechauns in attendance, no wraiths hovering about, everything was pretty much as it should be. But then yesterday I'm in there moving stuff around, slamming a few doors - hey, it's MY house. After about five minutes or so my reconnaissance mission is complete, so I start to head out. I take a step towards the doorway when this ginormous, striped, spindly leg emerges from underneath a baseboard...

...followed by another leg...

...and another leg...

...then a fourth one...

OMFG. It's a hugest ass mo'cricket that I've ever seen. Jeebus help me, I will frickin die right now!!!!

Obviously "mo'cricket" isn't the scientific name for this imp from hell, but I heard that somewhere once and it's stuck with me ever since. Basically what you've got is a cross between the world's gangliest, striped spider and the biggest, meanest cricket alive. This monster is so huge that it has THIGHS. There's just no excuse for the existence of an insect this massive, terrifying or downright evil.

And this fricker can plot like a mofo. When he came at me in the basement, he wasn't on some aimless stroll. This dude was pissed as hell that I was clanging around in HIS utility room and came out to crack some heads.

Again, OMFG.

Dude takes a few, sinister steps towards me. Then he pauses to plan his next move. He sees I'm to his left, yet he takes a my life spared?? Oh, hell naw. This bastard has plans for my ass:

Mo'cricket: [to himself] "Wait, if the wench is over there then why the hell am I over here...??"

He busts a u-turn. Now the dude is facing me!!!

Mo'cricket: [to me] "All right ho, you about to learn what happens when fools don't stay the hell outta my laundry room..."

Then he hops towards me. And that's all she wrote before I lost my damn mind.

I start screaming like somebody's whooping my ass and hurl myself through the laundry room doorway. I am positive my new neighbors can hear the melee by now, but I could honestly care less. This dude is trying to KILL me!

I'm finally out of the utility room with the door slammed shut behind me. Once I'm safely on the second floor, mo'cricket decides to pull back the troops. I get no more sightings of him before I leave for the night, but I know his ass is down there. The dude now owns my laundry room so now what am I gonna do - beat my clothes against a rock?!

Of course I've gotta go back there tonight b
ut this time I've got a can of Raid and an attitude. Ain't no damned arachnid gonna keep me out of my own house. Unless this dude plans to start putting in on the rent? His spindly tukkus is TOAST.


Advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with 100% of your brain.

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