Moms

My mother is nickel and diming me to death with her two cents.

When I ask her opinion she's got nothing to contribute. But when everything's copacetic, suddenly she's dropping naysays like a-bombs. This time she's found a way to turn MY move to MY new apartment, near MY new job, into an assault on HER tender sensibilities.

I dropped by the parental crib after church this morning. The first thing she wanted to know was whether I'd started packing yet. Mom, I move the end of October. What am I gonna do - eat carryout off paper plates for the next two months??

She switches to the next offensive:

Mom: "Well, does your building have an elevator?"
Me: "No, mom." (she already knew that)
Mom: "Oh, see?! Why'd you have to go rent some place on the fourth floor, then??"
Me: "Because I'd rather not be at the mercy of any noisy, upstairs neighbors every night."
Mom: [scoffing] "The fourth floor is just too high! That's too much walking for people to do!!"
Me: [flabbergasted] "Mom, I'm the one who's gonna be doing most of the walking, here."
Mom: "Well visitors shouldn't have to deal with all those steps! I just think you don't want people to visit you!!!"

So now I'm in the business of renting lofty apartments just to keep people from stopping by?!? I'm standing right in front of this woman and there's not a crack pipe in sight but she's obviously smoking something.

Next tactic:

Mom: "Who's helping you move?"
Me: "Not sure yet. I priced some movers but they want $700-900 to move my little apartment. That's way too much money!"
Mom: "It would just be better for you to hire professionals! Friends are not reliable!!"
Me: "Mom, I can't afford to pay that much for such a tiny move. It's not happening."

She went silent so I retardedly assumed she'd dropped the subject. But she managed to sneak in one last jab on my way out the door:

Mom: "Well...we'll just have to figure something out...because that's just...you need movers!!"

Glad I asked. Since I didn't.