Nobody knows my reputation.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

House Broken

Beating a dead horse with this topic but I'm stressed so I simply must share.

For those of you who don't know, I'm in the midst of a frenzied apartment search. And it's got to be the most stressful search that I've undertaken (including the three weeks I was given to locate some rat-infested, Brooklyn shanty before my ass got booted off campus after graduation).

Here's a list of the events that have plagued me up to this point:

1) My landlord refused let me out of my lease. Now I get to commute 110 miles a day for an extra three months.
2) The new apartment I just rented went condo. Beautiful.
3) Yesterday? I came this close to signing on the dotted line for a 2 bedroom crack den.

I left work early yesterday to check out two apartments. The first was a townhouse-style condo. Lemme tell ya, this place? TO. DIE. FOR. Incredibly cute - had it's own garage, tons of closet space, hardwood floors on the first level, a patio on the first floor and a balcony off the master bedroom - the whole nine.

Problem was, the place was pricier than I wanted and the broker advised me to get my security and pet deposit to her ASAP in order to hold it. I was pretty hesitant to rush into a decision but after the place I saw next? It's almost a done deal.

I leave the cute townhouse and drive to the hovel in question. I check out the scene as I pull into the parking lot - gee, everything looks okay from the outside. It's quiet, though way more kids than I like in a complex. I begin to doubt until I take a look inside, and? The place is GORGEOUS. Tons of room, tons of sunlight. Overall, the place seemed more "me" than the townhouse and the rent included some utilities. I told the guy that I was pretty sure I would take it.

So now I'm driving home, thrilled to pieces that I've finally gotten this apartment burden off my shoulders. Then I fire up the laptop, start surfing, and IMMEDIATELY throw on the brakes.

I'll spare you guys the full rundown of the horrible reviews I've read about the apartment. But the snippets below should more than get the point across:

"I wouldn't recommend these apartments to anyone. I've lived in several apartments, but this one is by far the absolute worst place I have ever lived."

"This place doesn't enforce the dangerous dogs policy - there are pit bulls, dobermans and german shepherds around."

"Our heat and hot water went out six times over the winter. I finally sent an email to the assistant manager. The bottom line is that she just doesn't care."

"Dumpster is often broken/full/stinky, and those who live near it get assualted with noise, insects and rodents."

There are another 50+ reviews all similar to those above. But THIS next one? Is the kicker:

"Got drugs????????????? If you move here there are plenty to go around. There's people outside running around till daylight (pushing drugs, we believe). Could be wrong, but if it walks like a duck..."

When I left the place, I noticed a particularly mangy looking guy wandering around the parking lot with his cell phone, greasy hair and manually lopped-off pants; I'd bet the ranch HE has no legitimate business here. Then I spot some woman who's strolling her kids around. She stops at a bush and HACKS off a flowering limb with a pair of scissors, then sheepishly scurries away at the sight of me.

What, am I moving OUT of the hood just to move back INTO the hood??? HELL TO THE NAW!!!!


Advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with 100% of your brain.

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