Say When

I'm not much of a lush.

I've rarely even finished a full size glass of beer let alone several at a time.

But I am well aware that many of my dear readers know how to make their weekends count. And being that today is Friday I figured it prudent to issue this guide before the hardcore festivities get under way.

For those already planning their Sunday hangovers? This list's for you. :)

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Corrective Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

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Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Cause: Improper bladder control
Corrective Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

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Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Cause:
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer

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Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Cause: You have fallen over backward.
Corrective Action: Have yourself leashed to bar

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Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts and ashes
Cause: You have fallen forward
Corrective Action: Have yourself leashed to bar

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Symptom: Beer tasteless; front of your shirt is wet
Cause:
a. Mouth not open while drinking
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Corrective Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

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Symptom: Floor blurred
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer

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Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted
Cause: The beer is too weak
Corrective Action: Order more beer and consume until voice improves

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Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Cause: Beer is just right
Corrective Action: Play air guitar

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Symptom: Floor moving
Cause: You are being carried out
Corrective Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

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Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Cause: Bar has closed
Corrective Action: Confirm home address with bartender; if staff has departed, grab closest six-pack and exit bar

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Symptom: Room is gray, has concrete floor and conveniently located restroom facilities
Cause:
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the Navy
Corrective Action: Under NO circumstances sleep on your stomach