Get to the Good Part

I admit it: I'm an ad ho. I watch most television shows for the commercials. But considering how much sludge is on TV nowadays, no one's blaming me.

Probably didn't hurt that I majored in Art Direction. In school, the instructors gave away all kinds of juicy advertising secrets. Like how certain, family-oriented household product manufacturers would make sure that the couples in their commercials wore visible wedding rings. Or how weight loss spots always make the formerly-fat broad stand at an angle so you really can't tell how much flub she lost. But despite the degree I eventually got, I still am not equipped to answer these earth-shattering questions:

1) Do Black people stink? Apparently the Right Guard peeps think we do. Anyone seen that "Red Rover" commercial where all the guys holding the line are these string-beany White kids and all the linebacker-looking, Black dudes (i.e., Terrell Owens) are "odor"? I'm sure it's chock full of insider sports jokes but it's not quite making me laugh.

2) Why is it that everything is sweetened with Splenda nowadays? They've got the market sewn up. Every doughy delight, carbonated cola, sugary snack and tartar control toothpaste boasts fake sugar. Heck, even pretzels come coated with the stuff. Splenda just swooped in, pimped-slapped Sweet-N-Low, and took the joint over. That's some gangsta bleep, right there.

3) Speaking of carbonated colas, can someone please explain what's going on with diet sodas these days? Let's use Coke as an example. First you've got your Diet Coke. Then you've got your C2, which is Coke's half-carb, half-sugar doohickey. But then they throw Coke Zero at you. Um, what would be the difference between that and, say, zero-calorie Diet Coke? And, while my head's still spinning, they unleash Diet Coke with (you frickin guessed it) Splenda. I need a "For Dummies" book just to make sure I'm drinking the right thing!

4) When did Orbitz grow some gonads? The other day I thought I was dreaming when I caught a commerical specifically geared towards gay travellers. The Orbitz gameshow host asked a gay couple could how fast they could book a trip to (big shock coming) San Francisco. I don't know how the ad execs managed to push that one past the midwestern housewives but more power to 'em!

5) Who wants greasy legs? Why do all the women in the new Nair commercials have slicked-up stems? The new, low-budget spots have these shiny-legged broads twirling around for no good reason. No one wants to be prancing about on bumpy legs but we don't need to look like we're walking on sticks of butter, either. The only greasy legs I need to be looking at are in a bucket of fried chicken.

6) Why is it that every woman with herpes has a man? It's a "brand new day," people! All the Valtrex ads feature a woman having the time of her life in some exotic locale. She's riding a horse, oaring a boat, frollicking on the beach. And because it's imperative that herpes sufferers are never shown by their lonesome, the ad peeps make sure she's got her man in just about every single shot. The conclusion: women with herpes have stellar social lives. And I? Don't.