Long Gone

I've moved.

To greener, happier [Wordpress] pastures. But just in case this page DOESN'T automatically redirect you, here's the url:

http://nicolemart.badtofu.com

I think I'm gonna cry!

Diss, Miss?

I'm not getting political here.

Well, not really.

I just have to know, is THIS what it's come down to lately? Jessica "Chicken of the Sea" Simpson snubs a Republican fundraiser and the entire politisphere is up in arms??

Yeah sure, Bush scheduled ample face-time with the broad. But does her reticence to appear really rank THAT high on the diss scale?? The woman shills PIZZA BITES for cripes sake!


Jessica Simpson Snubs President Bush
Thursday Mar 16, 2006 8:00am EST
By Stephen M. Silverman

Jessica Simpson has left Republicans in Washington dismayed by turning down a invitation to meet with U.S. President George W. Bush at a major party fund-raiser with the president and congressional leaders scheduled for Thursday night.

Her plan to ditch the gathering came after a day of conflicting reports from her handlers and the organizers of the event, reports Reuters. Simpson is in the nation's capital to lobby members of Congress on behalf of Operation Smile, a non-profit venture offering free plastic surgery for disadvantaged children overseas with facial deformities.

People close to Simpson said she declined a request to appear that same evening at the gala fund-raiser of the National Republican Congressional Committee – even after she was offered some private face time with Bush – because Operation Smile is a non-partisan group, says the news service.

NRCC spokesman Carl Forti said he was surprised by the behavior of the 25-year-old Dukes of Hazzard star.

"It's never been a problem for Bono," he said, referring to the U2 star who has met regularly with leaders of all political leanings to promote such causes as Third World debt relief. "I find it hard to believe she would pass up an opportunity to lobby the president on behalf of Operation Smile."

Although Simpson's publicists insisted she never had planned to attend the fund-raiser, Forti said the actress initially accepted the NRCC invitation when it was extended on Tuesday night, only to change her mind the next evening.

Causing further aggravation for his party, President Bush's approval rating by the American public is at its lowest ever, 37 percent, according to the latest monthly poll carried out by the Wall Street Journal and NBC News. In addition, 58 percent of those polled judge his job performance to be poor. The Iraqi War is being cited as the cause for such showings.

Hey Hey, Hayes

Oh, so NOW it's a problem.

It was fine when Jews, Muslims, Christians, Mormons, Buddhists, Hindus and Wiccans got raked over the coals. But the show suddenly becomes an issue when Scientologists get mocked.

How many seasons has this series been on the air, anyway??

Whatever, Isaac.


Isaac Hayes Quits South Park
Tuesday Mar 14, 2006 8:00am EST
By Stephen M. Silverman/AP

Christians, Jews, Muslims, Mormons and Scientologists have been raked over the comic coals of Comedy Central's South Park, and Isaac Hayes, who voices the character Chef, says he won't stand for it anymore.

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said in a statement.

"Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," he continued. "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

South Park co-creator Matt Stone has a different take. "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology," he told the Associated Press. "He has no problem – and he's cashed plenty of checks – with our show making fun of Christians."

A top-rated episode in November targeted the Church of Scientology and such celebrity followers as Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Titled "Trapped in the Closet," the segment featured fourth-grader Stan being hailed as a reluctant savior by Scientology leaders, while a cartoon Cruise locks himself in a closet and refuses to come out.

Stone said that he and co-creator Trey Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin."

Stone and Parker have accepted Hayes's resignation, according to news reports.

Use Your Head

I got a headache THIS big.

I don't know where it came from or why it's here.
Maybe I'm fearing my second kickboxing class tonight.
Maybe I'd just rather not be at work.

But whatever the case, the following quip is somehow applicable so I thought I'd share it with yous guys. Enjoy!

----------------



A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository -- it's up to you."

Heartbreak Hotel

It's over.



A lot has happened over the last 10 months. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot (width-wise anyway). But even after all we've been through together, I can tell this is just not working out. That's why I'm calling it quits by the end of the week.

I'm dumping Blogger.

Yes, I know it's sad. But it's also obvious that we need to go our separate ways. First our communication started breaking down (the much maligned word verf). Then Blogger would become totally unresponsive (hours and hours of unexplained "server problems"). Or it would just shut me out altogether ("a technician has been alerted to the problem"). I finally began to realize that I deserved BETTER.

So I'm moving on to Wordpress.

Eric's putting in a Herculean effort to get the new blog built and launched by week's end. Once everything starts shaping up I'll pass on the new url.

I hope at least ONE of you comes looking for me.

Just one???

Decision 2006

People? I need your help and I need it QUICK!



I have wanted a 17" Powerbook since the things were first unveiled.

Well this weekend I was alerted to the fact that someone in the UK is selling theirs for $800. Now, Eric and I have done some investigating and so far the deal seems totally legit. There's even an arrangement that allows me to INSPECT the machine before I commit to buying it.

The question is, DO I buy it???

I'm sure the Mac users out there are wondering why I would even hesitate to act on this. There are five valid reasons:

1) My office just issued me a brand new 15" Powerbook last Thursday.

2) The 17" I want to buy has only a third the RAM of the 15" which makes it much slower.

3) It would cost me an extra $400 to match the RAM in the 15".

4) Which means the 17" price surges from $800 to $1200.

5) I already HAVE three other Mac laptops in my possession (though only one of them actually belongs to me).

Still, I'd have no prayer of getting a 17" Powerbook for close to $1200 in THIS lifetime. The clock is ticking yet I just can't make a decision on this.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smart He

It's Sunday and I've got nothing important to say. So here's a funny.

Dennis found out that he would inherit a fortune after his sickly father died. So he decided to find a woman with whom he could share his wealth.

One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. Her beauty he quite took his breath away so he swallowed his drink and made his approach. He walked up to the woman, introduced himself and proceeded to lay it all on the line:

"I may appear to be just an ordinary guy," he said. "But you're actually looking at a future millionaire. In less than a month's time I'll inherit $20 million!"

The woman was obviously impressed with Dennis' speech because she accompanied him to his home that evening. Three days later she became his stepmother.

Moral of the story: you can't scheme a schemer.

Say When

I'm not much of a lush.

I've rarely even finished a full size glass of beer let alone several at a time.

But I am well aware that many of my dear readers know how to make their weekends count. And being that today is Friday I figured it prudent to issue this guide before the hardcore festivities get under way.

For those already planning their Sunday hangovers? This list's for you. :)

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Corrective Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

---------------
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Cause: Improper bladder control
Corrective Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

---------------
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Cause:
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer

---------------
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Cause: You have fallen over backward.
Corrective Action: Have yourself leashed to bar

---------------
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts and ashes
Cause: You have fallen forward
Corrective Action: Have yourself leashed to bar

---------------
Symptom: Beer tasteless; front of your shirt is wet
Cause:
a. Mouth not open while drinking
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Corrective Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

---------------
Symptom: Floor blurred
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer

---------------
Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted
Cause: The beer is too weak
Corrective Action: Order more beer and consume until voice improves

---------------
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Cause: Beer is just right
Corrective Action: Play air guitar

---------------
Symptom: Floor moving
Cause: You are being carried out
Corrective Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

---------------
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Cause: Bar has closed
Corrective Action: Confirm home address with bartender; if staff has departed, grab closest six-pack and exit bar

---------------
Symptom: Room is gray, has concrete floor and conveniently located restroom facilities
Cause:
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the Navy
Corrective Action: Under NO circumstances sleep on your stomach

Addiction

I'm a cokehead.

And before you inform me of how UNsurprised you are by that revelation, let me clarify: I'm talking about the beverage. Not the illegal narcotic.



I've been a hardcore Coke fan since high school. I used to inhale a 12 0z. can every day at lunch along with a small bag of plain M&M's. Well, I had to have something wholesome and satisfying while I was pounding away on the Macs in the school computer lab.

And that trend (minus the M&M's) shows no sign of fading. I'm up to an average of two cans (one regular Coke and one Coke Zero) per day. Why? Because I just LOVE the stuff!

You doubt my undying affection, do you?



This is the top tier of my fridge.

What you're seeing is the neatly arranged contents of three "Fridge Paks" of Coca-Cola products. Of course I'm not going to drink all these by myself; those Black Cherry Vanilla ones on the right are all for Eric. But the heavy drinking will be MY responsibility for the most part. Anyone still in the dark about why my ass is spreading??

But hey, I've done it! I've admitted that I have a problem and, as we all know, admission is the first step to recovery. So how ironic is it that I awoke this morning to a news story like this:

-------------------
Soda Sales Fall for First Time in 20 Years
By MELANIE WARNER (NYTimes.com)
Published: March 9, 2006

The next generation may not be the Pepsi generation — or the Coke generation, for that matter.

Soda drinking is declining, partly because it is blamed for obesity.

For years, soda has been the quintessential American drink, considered the perfect thirst quencher, morning pick-me-up or accompaniment to lunch or dinner.

But that is slowly changing.

As Americans look for greater variety in their drinks and strive for healthier diets, consumption of soda — with its 250 calories and 67 grams of sugar in a 20-ounce bottle — is slipping.

Data released yesterday by Beverage Digest, the industry trade publication, shows that for the first time in 20 years, the number of cases of soda sold in the United States declined. Case volume in 2005 was down 0.7 percent, to 10.2 billion cases.

Coke's flagship brand, Coca-Cola Classic, was down 2 percent...(more)
-------------------

I can ASSURE you guys that my cola consumption has nothing to do with the recent dip in sales. Hell, Eric and I are doing all we can to put these people's grandkids through college. While I am trying to curtail my behavior to some degree, it'll be a frigid day in hell before I completely kick the habit.

Hey, a girl's gotta have a vice!

Blonde-sided

So WHAT if it's old, it's still funny!

I'm sure you never even noticed that dude in the background anyway...

Who Needs CNN?

Get all your What-the-Hell-is-the-World-Coming-To news right here!

At least she had the sense to ditch the baby-daddy...

Teenager gives birth to surprise baby
Mon Mar 6, 11:45 AM ET

LONDON (AFP) - A 13-year-old British girl who did not realise she was pregnant has given birth to a baby weighing three kilos (six-and-a-half pounds) she has named Sophie.
Charlotte Maddox said she remembered feeling "a bit podgy" but did not know she was pregnant until she went into labour. Initially, she put her contractions down to a stomach infection.

"I was screaming in pain and put it down to eating too much. I was screaming in pain and shouted, 'I've got to push something, it's coming!'" she told Britain's Daily Mirror.

"That was the first time I realised I was pregnant and about to become a mum. Suddenly the pain disappeared and I was in total shock.

"The next thing I knew was hearing Sophie scream for the first time. I was so relieved she was safe. Then it suddenly hit me that I was a mum.

"My whole life had changed in three hours. I went from feeling a bit poorly and worrying about my homework to holding a newborn baby in my arms and worrying about a new life."

The teenager, from Devon, southwest England, said she had lost her virginity on the day of her 13th birthday.

She was living with a foster family at the time, although she returned to live with her parents in September.

She said she had no desire to see the 15-year-old father of her baby daughter.

"I don't want him looking after her. He wasn't the nicest boy in the world, and I think we will be better off without him," she said.

Source - Yahoo! News

Contagious Yawni

Because there was no OTHER way for him to ruin his stellar career.

Hold it, his finger got kicked?? Dude, even the CRIMES he commits are lame!


Yanni Arrested in Florida in Alleged Domestic Dispute

MANALAPAN, Fla. (March 7) - The musician Yanni was arrested at his home after an alleged domestic dispute with his girlfriend, authorities said.

Yanni, whose legal name is John Yanni Christopher, was arrested early Friday and faces a domestic battery charge, according to a police report.

The Greek-born singer-pianist denied the allegations.

Yanni asked his girlfriend, Silvia Barthes, to leave his beachfront home in Manalapan on Thursday night, the police report said. Barthes, 33, told police she attempted to pack her clothing but the 51-year-old musician threw it on the ground.

She told officers he then grabbed her arms and shook her, throwing her on the bed, and jumped on top of her, according to the report.

Yanni told police Barthes kicked him, and he believed he injured his finger during the incident, the report said.

No one answered a call to a telephone listing for a John Christopher in Manalapan late Monday. But the musician said in a statement he was innocent.

"These allegations are cruel, false, without merit and baseless," said the statement released by his manager, Danny O'Donovan. "At a more appropriate time and place, I hope and pray I will have an opportunity to address my fans and colleagues all over the world."

03-07-06 00:54 EST

< /TAG >

Sonia got me this time.

1. Black and white or color: how do you prefer your movies? Color definitely. I'm not cultured enough to appreciate most black and white flicks.

2. What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death? Shockingly, despite all my Bush-bashing, getting into a deep political discussion usually turns my brain completely off.

3. MP3s, CDs, tapes or records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music? Definitely mp3s. Hands down and without a doubt.

4. You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and $10M in cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going...ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run? Depends -- I can't tell my family where I'm GOING with the $10M but will I be allowed to come BACK?? If so then yes, I'd take it.

5. Seriously, what do you consider the world’s most pressing issue now? That my ass is literally SPREADING as I type this (because it's always about ME, people)!

6. How would you rectify the world’s most pressing issue? Get my fat ass into some form of structured, disciplined, physical fitness program. I'm in talks to start kickboxing classes pretty soon...

7. You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life, what would that be? My decision to never, ever sing again. In preschool I had a singing part in a school play (I don't remember any of the details). After the show was over, my father praised my performance so much that I was afraid to go anywhere NEAR another microphone. Yeah, makes no sense to me either.

8. You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be? Slavery, Holocaust, the assasinations of JFK, Malcolm X and MLK, 9/11...I seriously can't choose just ONE.

9. A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole’ Opry: which do you choose? Opera all the way.

10: What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you’d like to solve? Hmm, who REALLY shot JFK, who was Jack the Ripper, who killed Biggie and Pac. Again, the list is endless!

11. One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal? Wow, I have NO idea which author I'd pick. There are many books I love but I don't think I'd be interested in having dinner with the person who wrote them.

12. You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky — what’s the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact? I'd be too depressed at the idea that THIS life is all we have to look forward to. I mean, really, what's to celebrate?

Like To Watch?

I having nothing to say about the Oscars tonight.



At least, nothing that anyone really wants to read. I feel woefully out of touch this year. Usually I pay more attention to the films and performances that are being hailed by the Academy. This year I almost forgot what night the thing is even telecast.

Am I actually gonna watch tonight? Your guess is as good as mine.

I know this Oscar apathy is just a "me" thing as evidenced by the number of recent blog posts referencing the excitement. People are all a'twitter about the outcome of tonight's proceedings. Oodles of recent entries have been penned referencing Oscar picks, Oscar pans, Oscar pools, Oscar parties -- anything to do with Oscar fanfare. There are galas, events and brouhahas going on all over town that I have not a PRAYER of getting invited to. I haven't been that excited since Halle and Denzel won the big trophy.

Now THAT was some kinda Oscar night.

The Statue Train is heading towards the station. Am I the only one standing around without a ticket?

Lost in Translation

A little help over here?

I think of myself as a slightly intelligent person.

Had a little schooling, got fairly mediocre grades. But apparently no amount of education in the WORLD is enough to aid in the comprehension of this poignant bit of social commentary...


(click on pic for larger view)

Any of you brain-geniuses care to take a stab at this one?

I R Teh Sux

My post frequency has been sucking of late. I know.



It's the same, lame story as always: I'm being muled around at work which leaves less than no time to keep up with nicolemart, much less all the other blogs I'd like to read and comment on.

That really honks me off.

Anyway, I don't want you guys to end up TOTALLY bored with me so I'm providing you with a link to this very intriguing survival test. Take it and see how well you'd fare when faced with a life-threatening situation. My results, you ask? Very unimpressive:

"You scored 12 out of 17. You're alive but badly injured or maimed for life."

Note: any of you that score higher than this are officially off the friend list.

Breakfast at the White House

Shockingly, no one gets shot in this one.

----------------
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'd
like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"What can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his
trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to
act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for
a year!''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "Sir, it's
pronounced 'quiche'."