Nobody knows my reputation.

Monday, February 27, 2006

George vs George

George O'Malley? Meet George Michael.

Study this man. Note that he's not crying in hospital stairwells or pining for long, lost broads. This man decides what he wants. Then he just TAKES the shit.

If he wants a man? He comes out of the closet and dates the guy.

If he wants to get busted in a Beverly Hills bathroom? He exposes himself to an undercover police officer and gets hauled off to the clink.

If he decides he needs a late night drug fix? Well, er, read below...


George Michael Is Reportedly Arrested

LONDON - Singer George Michael was arrested in London on drug charges after being found slumped at the wheel of his car, according to a British tabloid newspaper report.

A passer by contacted police after spotting the 42-year-old singer in his car in central London on Saturday night, the Sun newspaper reported.

Michael was arrested on suspicion of possessing drugs before being bailed to return to a police station next month. He was checked by paramedics but did not need hospital treatment.

A spokesman for London's Metropolitan police, speaking on the customary condition of anonymity in line with force policy, would not confirm if Michael had been arrested, but did say that a 42-year-old man had been arrested on drugs charges after being found at the wheel of a car.

"We were called by a member of the public to a man seen slumped over the steering wheel of a car ... Police attended and spoke to the man, aged 42. A search of the man revealed what was believed to be controlled substances. He was arrested on suspicion of possession of controlled substances of category C and on suspicion of being unfit to drive.

A spokeswoman for Michael's agent, Connie Filipello, said, "We have absolutely no comment to make."

In 1998 Michael was arrested for lewd conduct in a public toilet in Los Angeles after being spotted by an undercover police officer.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Boy, George

The whining in tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy was at an all time high.

And this time it wasn't coming from Meredith. Instead George got to narrate and, overall, whimper his way through the entire episode. By the time the clock hit 10:30 I was jonesing to shake him till his teeth rattled.

I usually love George and his uber neurotic, self-doubting tendencies. But tonight's rendition of Little Boy Lost thoroughly irked me: "I'm in love with Meredith and I finally got the courage to tell her but she slept with me. Even though she'll never love me like I love her, she still slept with me. How could she do that??"

Oh, stuff a sock in it George.

It takes two to frickin tango and by the looks of that little flashback interlude, Meredith didn't FORCE you to do anything. What you needed to do instead of pouting your way through every wing of Seattle Grace was just suck it up, learn your lesson and take responsibility for your OWN actions once in awhile. Jebus!

Now you've split up the entire household since Izzie is taking YOUR side against Meredith over this. If you ask me, you should blame her for everything since SHE'S the one who pushed you to spill your guts to Meredith in the first place!

Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest. I feel much better now, thanks. :)

Friday, February 24, 2006

Deep Frey'd

There's demanding. And then there's THIS guy.

From The Smoking Gun:

His name is Travis Frey. He's 33 years old. He lives in Iowa. And he's currently facing charges of child pornography and kidnapping his own wife. Okay, disturbing enough.

But just as disturbing is the four page document entitled, "Contract of Wifely Expectations" that Frey wrote for his beloved.

This "contract" was meant to act as a kind of rulebook on how his wife should conduct her personal hygiene, wardrobe selection and sexual practices.

The entire contract is a little too demented wordy to be outline in one post. But here are a few, poignant highlights from Frey's masterful bit of prose:


You will shave every third day which includes underarms, chest, legs and pubic area (navel to anus). All areas are to be completely clean shaven. Above your vaginal slit you may have a patch of pubic hair in any shape that must be centered above your vaginal slit, it will measure no greater than 2 x 1" and will maintain a hair length of less than 1/3".

You will wear only thigh-highs and garters and only thong panties. The only exception would be during your menstrual cycle at which time you could wear either or both. Half of your shoe purchases will be high heels, 2" or more. You will wear these heels more often.

When we are at home and alone as a family you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed and then sleep naked, unless instructed otherwise.

Since there will be no trading, negotiations or conciliations of any kind, you are given chances to earn Good Behavior Days (GBDs). To receive GBDs you are to be totally compliant with everything requested or expected of you and perform everything with complete and total enthusiasm.

For special events that we are to dress up for when we are going to someone else's house or just the two of us are going out, your clothes must meet my approval. General rules are:
* Panties are always optional and need not be worn.
* Only thigh-highs and garter -- no pantyhose.
* If you are not wearing thigh-highs and garter then no panties.
* All skirts should be no lower than two inches below the knee (unless it's for church).

On your birthday you will recieve one GBD that is good only on your birthday. On or before my birthday you will select and purchase a sex toy for yourself and this will be considered my birthday gift from you. On or before our anniversary you will select and purchase new lingerie for yourself. The lingerie that you select and purchase will be your sleepwear for that night.

You are to pose for 20 photos per quarter on demand unless your quota is filled. Outfits, toys and poses will always be chosen by me. You must be freshly shaven on the day that photos are taken, regardless of your shaving schedule. You will also style hair, apply makeup and nail polish as needed.

Fortunately (for the dignity of women EVERYWHERE) his wife never signed the damned thing.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Music is Fundamental

Mojo loves me.

Which is why he's tagged me yet AGAIN. As you can see, I'm determined to take his multi-tagging as a compliment. I mean, why else would anyone be interested in my musical tastes??

Besides, this one is pretty interesting...

List seven songs you are into right now, no matter what the genre. Doesn't matter whether they have words or even if they’re any good. The only requirement is that they must be songs you’re really enjoying right now.

Post these instructions on your blog along with your seven song choices. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

So without further ado, here's my musical Fox Force Seven (okay so it's supposed to be "Fox Force FIVE." You get my point):

1) Bring Light (Audio Bullys)
2) Right Here's the Spot (Basement Jaxx)
3) Electric Mistress (Jamiroquai)
4) Dare (Gorillaz)
5) Second Childhoold (Justus League feat. NAS)
6) X&Y (Coldplay)
7) Enter the Sandman (Richard Cheese -- no, I don't mean Metallica)

By the way, I don't really have a good explanation for WHY I'm loving these specific songs other than I just do. And here are the lucky 7 that get to relive this post all over again on their own blogs:

1) Tara
2) Red (she LOVES these)
3) Steve D (welcome to the family)
4) JM
5) Doug
6) Scarlett
7) Guru

For all those who have been chosen: PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Spitting Image

Think you're the mirror image of somebody famous?

Well there's a genealogy site that might help you prove it. They've developed software that uploads your photos, runs them through a database of celebs and determines which ones most resemble you. Being the vain son-of-a-somebody that I am, I went and did it.

You should SEE who they've compared me with.

The first couple of times I tried it, they claimed that I was the product of an illicit triste between Meryl Streep and Michael Jackson.

The third photo garnered a laundry list of unlikelies (in descending order of resemblance):

Ninet Tayeb

Uma Thurman


Katherine Hepburn

Halle Berry

Aishwariya Rai

Christina Aguilera

Charlize Theron and...


Uh, yeah.

Anyway, go ahead and give this thing a shot if you're so inclined. Just don't blame me when they liken you to a hottie like Janet Reno.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Man Question 2: Response

Or as White Dade so aptly termed it, "100 Euphemisms For the Male Sex Organ."

You guys have come up with SO many colorful phrases in response to my last post that I had absolutely no choice but to list them all. So here are your numerous pieces of brilliance in chronological order:

1. Dribble Dot (Red)
2. Pee Spot (Guru)
3. Turtleneck (Erech)
4. Cash and Prizes (Shife)
5. Two Shakes of a Lamb's Tail (TX)
6. Visit Australia (Dor)
7. Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger (Mojo)
8. Buster McThunderstick (Shife)
9. Shake Your Laffy Taffy (yours truly)

I just LOVE all you guys!

And shout out to Todd for dropping a line and Steve DeGroof for adding me to his blog links (adding you to mine too). You guys rawk!!!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Man Question 2

Forgive me for constantly intruding into male business.

But guys are endlessly fascinating to me.

My next question for the dudes is: do you TP after you tinkle?

Awhile back, a female friend was watching her younger, male cousin. He went off to use the lil' pirates room and everything was going swimmingly. Until my friend told the cousin not to leave the restroom without hankying his hooha. That's when all heck broke loose.

Her husband, when he heard, was horrified for the poor kid: "You can't tell a guy that!!" My friend was totally blown away by her husband's disgust and asked
what was so emasculating about a guy wiping his wang with a sheet of toilet paper. But all her husband would say in response was, "We just don't DO that!"

I was equally confused by her husband's reaction and, of course, brought this question up to Eric. He quickly agreed that telling a guy to daub his dingle after using the bathroom was about as manly as suggesting that he don a pair of lace panties just before entering a male figure skating competition.

Guys, you know what's coming, don't ya?

What is so heinous about sponging off after a sprinkle? Women do it all the time -- we really have no choice. Please help me understand why GUYS find it so abominable.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Ream Job

My boss ripped me a nice, clean, shiny new one at work today.

Short version of the story: I'm working on several projects simultaneously -- the big NYC project I mentioned earlier as well as a series of smaller projects in VA. Well, after everything was said and done yesterday it came to light that a small task slipped through the cracks. The oversight was my fault and for that I explained my actions to my boss and apologized.

She swore everything was copacetic but still I absolutely HATE getting called on the carpet. So, in typical me fashion, I carried the burden of guilt on my shoulders for the remainder of my work day. Eric's trying to convince me that this kind of thing happens to everyone and I need to move past it. But as much as I try to numb the sting of a newly ripped asshole, the mood I'm in refuses to dissipate. Great, now I'm both sick AND simpering. Poor Eric.

Now I ask you, my loyal leaders:

1) How do you respond when your boss calls you out? Do you become indignant, apologize profusely, demand legal counsel?

2) How do you react AFTER the ream job? Are you pissed or (like me) do you carry around your injured feelings until the next time you royally eff up?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Truth in Advertising

For those that are sick of the soft sell in advertising today?

Here's a bit of refreshing honesty. And beer.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Cheney told me not to post anything for Wednesday.

Mainly because I'll be too busy with this new project to respond to any comments until Thursday. Cheney hates it when I sleep on the job.

But the Winter Olympics are far too puzzling for me to remain silent tonight.

First I wanna know: are any of you guys even WATCHING? I'll be the first to admit that the winter games downright PALE in comparison to those of summer. I probably watch every event the Summer Olympics has to offer -- track and field, swimming, diving, gymnastics, shot put, weight lifting, Keirin -- the list is endless. Just naming these events has me all hyped up for 2008...YEAH BABY!!!

But the antics in Torino? Meh.

What gets me is the number of mistakes, bail-outs and disqualifications there've been so far. The opening ceremonies were less than a week ago, yet every time I turn on the news another gold medal contender has bombed his best event (Apollo Anton Ohno, Bode Miller) or has dropped out of the games altogether (*cough*...Michelle Kwan...*cough*).

I've had NBC on for the past two hours out of sheer boredom. Right now they're showing men's figure skating (please save all giggles till the end of this post) and I swear that EVERY dude has either watered down his jumps or fallen on his ass completely.

What the hell are we even IN the Olympics for?

With Team USA's pitiful performance thus far I could think of a BILLION other uses for all that endorsement money. Such as bribing Cheney into taking Bush along during his next hunting trip...*

*That was awful, I know.


In case anyone's wondering about (or has even noticed) my absence...

I'm in NYC till tomorrow night. Working on the biggest project I've ever been involved with at work. Quite frankly, it's scaring the hell outta me and I'm supposed to be the lead designer on it (underneath my boss, that is).

So I'm a little behind in responding to comments. But I hope to catch up asap.


Kiss kiss!

ps -- Happy Valentines Day (for those who care to acknowledge it).

Monday, February 13, 2006

Grey Area


So (for those that watch it) what'd you think of "Grey's Anatomy" last night?

Overall, I thought it was a great episode. But there were a few minutes at the end when I thought they were going to make us wait till next week for the conclusion. I was temporarily furious.

Did anyone not know that last minute explosion was coming?

What about Dr. Shepherd's miraculous punch to Bailey's husband's chest? Was that supposed to be the act of medical expertise that saved him? HA!

Finally got a gander at the guy Dr. Shepherd's wife cheated with. Am I the ONLY one hoping she gets caught sleeping with him again?? I really don't need her to stick around much longer...

Sunday, February 12, 2006


Eric just came in from shoveling the snow that fell last night and he informed that he was the ONLY guy out there. Apparently all the other shovelers present were female. Not that a woman can't shovel her own snow. My point is: where the heck were all the MEN in the neighborhood??

And I'm not just talking about significant others. For instance, the woman who lives next door to me was outside all morning hauling snow. Yet I know for a fact that her lazy, chain-smoking, 40 year old, anti-social son was sitting in the house doing absolutely NOTHING.

I know if I tried that brand of malarkey with MY mom I'd get a good, swift kick in the teeth.

Plus, my neighborhood is chock full of families so I'm sure that 99% of the women outside have a brother, son, uncle, cousin, grandfather, secret boyfriend or SOMEBODY that could have pitched in for the cause.

Frickin LOSERS.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Breaking News

Flood Destroys Presidential Book Collection
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 2006 12:53:14-0600

Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. According to authorities, both of the publications have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second book.

The White House has made repeated attempts to contact FEMA but, as of this yet, there has been no response.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Bad Grammy

I'm sure a lot of you are at odds with the results of the Grammys last night.

I mean, come on, why is it that every time U2 puts out a damn album they get half-a-dozen statues hurled at it??

Anyway, I'd like to *respectfully* submit a few pieces of songwriting genius that were overlooked by the Grammy committee this year. These songs resonate with audiences all over the globe:

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I'd Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Were Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the song that BETTER win everything next year is...

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few

Size Matters

1. Who's more of a pygmy?
a) Gary Sinise
b) Bono
c) Prince

2. Which of them do you like the least?
a) Gary Sinise
b) Bono
c) Prince

My vote:
1. Pygmy of the Year goes to: Prince.
2. Hmm, I guess it would have to be Bono, though I don't dislike him. I just like the others more.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Britney's Skurred

People are practically writing my posts FOR me...


On Monday, photos surfaced of Britney Spears driving her SUV in Malibu with her son, Sean Preston, sitting on her lap behind the wheel. The pictures raised obvious questions because her young son was not in a car seat.

A source close to Spears explains that the singer drove to Starbucks with her bodyguard in the passenger seat and son Sean in his car seat in the back. When the bodyguard went into the store to get the drinks, Spears took Sean out of his car seat and held him in her lap while she waited. Photographers approached the car, says the source, and became aggressive. Once her bodyguard climbed back into the car, Spears drove away while still holding her son.

Spears explains her actions in an exclusive statement to People magazine:

"Today I had a horrifying, frightful encounter with the paparazzi while I was with my baby. Because of a recent incident when I was trapped in my car without my baby by a throng of paparazzi, I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger. I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us, and took photos of us which were sold to the media. I love my child and would do anything to protect him."


Oh, so MANY questions:

1) Hasn't she hired a driver yet?
2) Did Sean really need that half-caf, skim, no foam, extra-hot, chai latte?
3) Who What was K-Fed doing?
4) How the hell has that kid managed to survive even THIS long??

Monday, February 06, 2006

Feels Like Another One

Tag time, back again...

1) Full Name? Nicole (hey, this is the interweb after all)

2) Ever been on a diet? Do rats have asses?

3) Do you sort your laundry or just shove it in altogether? I'm a born again sorter.

4) Do you grill outdoors during the winter? That's Eric's job.

5) Camping or Beach Vacation? I've never been one to sleep outdoors voluntarily.

6) Where do you work/for how long? AOL for about 7 months now.

7) Are you a morning person or night owl? Totally a night monster.

8) Do you like to scrapbook? It sounds great in theory but I'm too lazy.

9) Ever been to DisneyWorld? Many, many moons ago; pre-Epcott.

10) If there were 3 things that you could eat ALL THE TIME without gaining a pound, what would they be? Pizza and just about any food involving sugar.

11) Are you a coffee drinker? I can practically SCHEDULE my caffeine headaches...

12) Do you have pets? Two cats (hold all snickering till the end, please).

13) What type of music do you listen to? Just about anything that doesn't involve a harpsichord, fiddle or ukulele.

14) Do you cook or go out to eat more? I prefer to eat other people's food whenever possible.

15) Is your home decor more Country, Victorian, Primitive, Contemporary or other? Ha, like I can AFFORD to decorate my house.

16) Are you a jewelry wearer? See question 2.

17) Do you have a favorite number? It's a toss-up between 3 and 5.

18) Ever won the lottery? Pfft! Would I be blogging if I had?? Okay, you have a point.

19) Do you make your bed each morning? Yes. I know I have problems.

20) How often do you dust and vacuum? See question 4.

21) What time is it right now? 14:58 EST

22) Do you burn candles? No. Jacks my sinuses up.

23) What's one thing you WON'T eat? No way could I limit this to one item: raisins, tripe, pig's feet, coconut, tripe, chitterlings, squash...did I mention tripe?

24) Any tattoos? If I could ever make up my mind on what to get.

25) Ever been on a cruise? Nope.

26) Gold or Silver jewelry? Silver's okay. I used to hate yellow gold but these days it's making a comeback.

27) Do you own exercise equipment? Nope.

28) Comedies, drama, reality tv, soap operas -- what type of TV do you watch? Some reality shows and just about everything on Discovery, CourtTV and VH1.

29) Carpeting, linoleum, tile or harwood floors? Given the choice, DEFINITELY hardwood.

30) What do you drive? Toyota Rav4 (blue). Don't hate.

31) Who else should take this survey? I'll only point the finger at Bastard this time. The rest of you are off the hook (unless you don't want to be). ;)

Friday, February 03, 2006

You Say What

A very thought-provoking topic popped up on a local radio show recently. And, as usual, I thought I'd get you guys involved. The question is:

"Would you attend the out-of-town wedding of a friend whom you knew to be unfaithful?"

There seemed to be three general opinions on this:

1) The host of the show was against the idea. Why make flight and hotel arrangements to celebrate a marriage that's gonna fall apart anyway?

2) Some callers argued that the cheating aspect is irrelevant. The person is your friend and it's their WEDDING -- you're almost morally obligated to attend.

3) Other callers claimed that EVERYONE cheats. So none of that's even your business.


My thoughts (because you asked):

1) I see the host's point. The marriage will probably have the shelf life of a carton of eggs so why waste hundreds of dollars to attend the wedding?

2) It's your friend's wedding, sure. But would you be able to stand by while they walk into a potentially disastrous marriage?

I went through this with a very close friend of mine (though she wasn't cheating). Still, we ALL knew her marriage would over quicker than it began. But no matter how much sense we tried to talk into her, she refused to listen and forged ahead with her plans. I finally got so fed up that I threatened to back out of the whole thing. But some of my other friends begged me not to let one [really, really] bad decision end a 15-year friendship.
So yeah, I gave in. And, as predicted, my friend is miserable.

3) THIS mode of thinking sets my teeth on edge.
I'm sorry but if I labored under the belief that EVERY guy on earth was unfaithful I'd just marry one of my cats and be done with it.

Besides, have any of these defeatists conducted RESEARCH that supports their "everybody cheats" theory? We've all probably endured some jacked up relationships but if you haven't dated the entire world's population how can you draw such a dramatic conclusion? I mean, just because YOUR extra-curricular activities are shady doesn't mean I'm creeping on every creature with a pulse.

But that's just my 2 cents. Thoughts? Questions? Hatred?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

A Long Standing Leak

Anyone wanna take a stab at what the hell this is?

Not even ONE guess??

Then I'll give you a hint: remember when I complained that I'd never be able to pee standing up? Well, that's pretty much a non-issue at this point...

Another Point For Insomnia

Guess somebody else has been having dreams about Beyonce.

Well, from the looks of this photo, it was more of a nightmare...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Wrong Songs

The other day I found myself hum-singing the lyrics to "Diff'rent Strokes."

And I was going to town on a mutha. Until I realized that the song coming out of my head and the song as it was actually written had nothing to do with with each other. I've been listening to this song for almost 25 years and I still ain't got the words together?? Ladies and gentlemen, I am a professional idiot.

And before you try to dispute the fact that I am not humanity's brightest bulb? I need you to explain THIS:

Yeah, the world don't move
To the beat of just one drum
What might be right for you
May not be right for some.

[Fine so far. But let us proceed...]

There's a man in March
He's the man of means
Then along come the two
They've got nothing but disease.

[I seriously doubt that disease was EVER incorporated into the script.]

Cause they got Diff'rent Strokes, it takes
Diff'rent Strokes, it takes
Diff'rent Strokes to rule the world.

[RULE the world? Hitler must have composed this thing.]

Everybody's got a special kind of story
Everybody finds a way to shi-iii-ine
What The Man don't got, he got a lot
But so what?
I've got his, you've got yours and I'll have mine
And together we'll be fine!

[Roughly translated: "this dude is white as rice and we some street-bred black kids? He's about to come off his money REAL quick!"]

Cause it takes Diff'rent Strokes to rule the world
Yes it does. It takes,
Diff'rent Strokes to rule the WORLD!

Okay people, seriously. WHAT the hell was that?!?


Advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with 100% of your brain.

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