Nobody knows my reputation.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

50 Cents' Big Blue Magic Stick

Yep, it's just as bad as you feared.

Rapper’s Latest Side Hustle is Within the Lucrative Sex Industry.
November 30, 2005

While rappers like Snoop Dogg and Lil’ Jon host porn videos to make extra dollars, 50 Cent is looking to cash in on the various equipment used within the industry, with specific plans to release his own line of condoms and sex toys.

The rapper hopes to build upon his successful clothing line and array of energy drinks by putting his name on prophylactics and, (gasp), a vibrator.

“I need to make a motorized version of me,” he tells GQ in its latest issue. “A motorized version of me will definitely have to be waterproof, so you could utilize it in the tub. A lot of them (vibrators) aren't waterproof.”

“Blue is my favorite color, so it would probably be blue,” he adds. “But I don't know how big. I don't know if big is better because I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo. But I want to do something like that, to create something that's popular and exciting sexually for women.”

Monday, November 28, 2005

Bye, Mr. Miyagi

R.I.P. Pat Morita

LOS ANGELES - Actor Pat Morita, whose portrayal of the wise and dry-witted Mr. Miyagi in "The Karate Kid" earned him an Oscar nomination, has died. He was 73.

Morita died Thursday at his home in Las Vegas of natural causes, said his wife of 12 years, Evelyn. She said in a statement that her husband, who first rose to fame with a role on "Happy Days," had "dedicated his entire life to acting and comedy."

In 1984, he appeared in the role that would define his career and spawn countless affectionate imitations. As Kesuke Miyagi, the mentor to Ralph Macchio's "Daniel-san," he taught karate while trying to catch flies with chopsticks and offering such advice as "wax on, wax off" to guide Daniel through chores to improve his skills.

Morita said in a 1986 interview with The Associated Press he was billed as Noriyuki "Pat" Morita in the film because producer Jerry Weintraub wanted him to sound more ethnic. He said he used the billing because it was "the only name my parents gave me."

For years, Morita played small and sometimes demeaning roles in such films as "Thoroughly Modern Millie" and TV series such as "The Odd Couple" and "Green Acres" His first breakthrough came with "Happy Days" and he followed with his own brief series, "Mr. T and Tina."

"The Karate Kid" led to three sequels, the last of which, 1994's "The Next Karate Kid" paired him with a young Hilary Swank.

What's in a Name

This, from the Online Sun...

Wackiest Web Names Ever


Ever done something, then instantly regretted that you didn't check things out a bit more closely?

Well, the people behind these websites must have been kicking themselves after buying this set of wacky domain names. At first glance they might seem innocent enough, but have another read.

Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

Need a therapist:

Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen:

Friday, November 25, 2005

I've Been Tagged

Okay, Vixen got me. I must obey:

1) What are three items you have leftover from Thanksgiving that are in your refrigerator right now?
Do I have to limit it to three? All right: turkey, sweet potatoes and green beans.

2) What kind of leftover treats will you make with the three items you listed?
I will make a plate. I will stick said plate in the microwave. Then I will stuff my face with the contents of that plate until they are depleted.

3) How long will you keep the leftovers before you toss’em out?
There is no tossing. They probably won't live to see Tuesday.

4) Now that we’ve done some leftover talk it’s time to spread some linky love.
It is at this point that I must pass the turkey day mic to my blog peeps (please don't hate me):

Mr. Shife

Happy Tryptophan Day

One for the Turkey Day peeps out there...

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep,
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned – the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning in anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.

So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
‘Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees,
Happy eating to all; pass the cranberries please.

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, may your pie take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Six Good Tips

I'm sure these will be useful to some of you.

1. It is important to find a man that helps you around the house.

2. It is important to find a man that makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man that doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a man that loves and spoils you.

5. It is important to find a man that has a job.

6. It is important that none of these five men know each other.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Go Shorty's my burfday.

I'm not at work, because it's my burfday.
Ain't gonna dish no dirt, because it's my burfday.
And I know you don't give a flip today's my burfday.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Charity Cases

Even the less fortunate have standards.

Today I'm leaving work when I notice the "Angel Tree" charity sign posted next to the exit, so I stop to check it out. For those that are unfamiliar, the Angel Tree drive donates holiday toys and gifts to children whose parents are either less fortunate or imprisoned. There's usually a tree-shaped display adorned with gift tags, each bearing a child's name and their gift wish. You just select one of the tags, buy the requested gift, drop it off and pat yourself on the back for being such a charitable S.O.B.

(Okay, not quite that last part but you get my drift.)

I participated in the program last year through my church, so when I saw the signs today I figured I'd give it another go. I walk up to the display and start reading through the gift requests. They appear pretty normal at first -- items like "Barbie dolls," "CDs" and "video games" are up for bids. Then I look a little closer and realize that materialism knows no income level.

There were at least 4 requests for an iPod.
One girl wanted a DVD player.
Two requests for 10 speed bikes.
And someone's child is expecting, of all things, makeup??

Okay, well let's swing around and check out the boy's side:

A few more iPod requests made the cut.
We've got one boy for a PSP.
Another for a PS2.
Yet another bike.
And some other little dude is actually demanding a COMPUTER.

Lemme get this straight: you're less fortunate, you're the child of an inmate, you've had a hard life and for that you want an iPod?? How is that HELPING anybody? I mean, it's one thing to try and make a poor child's Christmas a little brighter. It's another to set them loose in Best Buy with a shopping cart and a credit card. This isn't charity -- it's extortion!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

It's One of Those Thursdays

Aww S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

She was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and, once again, said "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means:

'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Got This One For Peanuts

You're kidding.

You are Snoopy!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Guts and Balls

The difference between guts and balls can be defined as follows:

arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask, "Are you cleaning or are you gonna fly off on that thing?"

arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfurme and beer, with lipstick on your collar. Then slapping your wife on the ass and saying, "You're next."

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Grody Jody

If you are in any way skeeved out by conversations
that involve "feminine issues" then I suggest
you turn a blind eye to this next entry.

For those that are still with me, I know I've been posting some grossly graphic narratives as of late, and for that I apologize. But I've just gotta vent about this...

What the hell is up with the she-wolves in my office frickin bleeding all over the floor of the ladies restroom??!? SERIOUSLY. At least once a week I step into a stall to find evidence of a minor hemorrhage. My three thoughts:

1) What is a broad doing when she messes THAT up?

2) The floor is beige, blood is not. Your ass saw that shit.

3) Then you expect cleaning lady Bettina to sop up YOUR mess after hours?

I mean, what the hell kind of forest beast pulls a stunt like this??!?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Helmet Head

I have not a CLUE what to say about this...

DARAIN HOUSEN has not taken off his hat for the last 20 years. He bathes, sleeps and does everything possible in it. It is a perfect fit.

But unlike other hats, his is not made of cloth but from the very hair on his head, which is why it cannot be removed.

Housen has been sporting his 'Natural Hat' hairstyle for the last 20 years. The 40-year-old barber who lives in Somerset, St. Thomas, said he came up with the idea after some of his friends decided to wear hats to a party but he could not find his own to wear.

The morning after the party, Housen clipped the rough edges and for six months he kept growing the 'peak.' Since then he has not made major changes to his 'Hat'.

The 'hat' has shocked and awed everyone including policemen, tourists and judges.

While coming from a dance early one morning, Housen was stopped by a policeman who insisted that he remove the 'hat.' He also said he was ordered by a judge to take off his 'hat' while on jury duty.

People from all over the island have taken photos with Housen, but while he has become quite an attraction, he has never charged a fee to have a photo taken of his hair.

Yet there is no doubt about Housen's fame. When we attempted to locate him for an interview, the team only had to mention 'the man with the hair hat' and we were immediately pointed in the right direction.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

This is Some Bull

Old news by now, but what the hey?

Reward Offered in Theft of Bull Semen
Wednesday November 02, 2005 6:05am

Wolfsville, Md. (AP) - Frederick County cattle farmer Eric Fleming is offering a reward in hopes of finding who took his entire supply of bull semen.

He discovered the theft Sunday evening after returning from a day trip to his farm in Wolfsville.

The loss totaled 75,000 dollars and was Fleming's entire supply, and included the valuable semen of several prominent sires. Fleming has spread the word about the theft on Web sites of interest to cattle breeders and the Sheriff's office is investigating.

The semen was stored in six canisters that were taken from a refrigeration tank, apparently by someone who brought one of their own. Frederick County cattle farmer Eric Fleming is offering a reward \r\nin hopes of finding who took his entire supply of bull semen.

Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press.

Hands Where I Can See 'Em

In the office restroom, which of the following is more heinous?

a) Washing your hands without soap?
b) Not washing your hands at all?
c) Offering a handshake immediately after implementing options A or B?
d) All of the above, when a coworker catches your skank tail in the act?

Sunday, November 06, 2005

D-AMD Channel

Discovery Health. Or the Anomalies, Maladies and Deformities Channel, if you're nasty.

There's a truly awful (read: fascinating) series that airs on the Discovery Health Channel called "Medical Incredible." It showcases just about every rare genetic disorder known to man. How bad is it? Well, Sunday night's installment featured a "skinless" baby. I just started watching this particular episode and this kid's problem is just ONE of a multitude of maladies the show plans to present us with. We've got:

1) Skinless Baby
2) Elast-i-Skin
3) Mouth-Covering Birthmark
4) Half-Hearted Baby

To put the squeamish at ease, Skinless Baby isn't really skin-LESS. He was merely born with 30% of the skin mysteriously "missing" from his body. And he's a TWIN. I'm sure his sister is busy teasing the rest of the skin off of him by now, the poor kid.

Next is a boy in Australia who crashed into a COW and needed emergency brain surgery. He's fine now. Fast forward.

Now, on to Elast-i-Skin. This dude is known as Gary "Stretch" Turner and can yank his neck skin up to his chin or affix his elbow to his waist using binder clips. He currently holds the world record for wearing the most clothespins clipped to his face -153 in total.

Next is Mouth-Covering tumor, easily the most disturbing of the show's abnormalities. A poor Albanian lady is afflicted with a mouth-covering birthmark that won't stop growing. It spans the lower half of her face, all the way around her neck and down to her chest. They removed some of the growth, but of course they weren't bright enough to film any "after" footage. Morons.

But this next malady is one that you'd ALMOST wish on yourself. A girl is born with half a heart and requires three emergency surgeries to rearrange her circulatory system. She survived the first two procedures, but needs to grow a little before she can receive the third. Problem is that now her body refuses to grow; she's a 3 year old trapped in a 1 year old body. The doctors need her to gain some serious weight, pronto. So what do they advise her parents to do...?


No joke. As I type this, she's feeding on a trough of potato chips, a platter of M&Ms, a head-size burger and a bucket of soda.

THIS is life-saving medicine?? Dude, where do I sign up??!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

R. Kelly Spells Relief

Wait, the R'uh has teamed up with MJ? Which of them will drop the first "Child Molestation Relief" CD?

-- By the time R. Kelly is done with his "Trapped in the Closet" saga, it may have more chapters than "Moby Dick."

Parts one through twelve of the dramatic, over-the-top cheating story were released on DVD this week. Kelly says he actually had 22 chapters completed -- "and (it's) still going

"Other characters are being introduced into the whole situation, and it's just this big whirlwind, a circle of just drama, of things that really do happen on the earth," he told The Associated Press. "It's gonna flip people out because some people are going to see themselves in these chapters, and that's what keeps the excitement going -- I think that's what keeps people going, 'I've got the get the next one!' "

It's not Kelly's only project: He's working on Michael Jackson's all-star charity record to aid victims of Hurricane Katrina, which he called "unbelievable." He says his own hurricane relief album will be released in the next few months.

And Kelly also has recorded a song for the "Hurricane Relief Now" project, a double-CD featuring Faith Hill, Norah Jones, B.B. King, Elton John and dozens of others, due to be released November 22.

Kelly said his contribution, "Let Your Light Shine," is his attempt to bring attention to "those that are struggling all over the world, from Africa, to Asia, to Egypt to everywhere ... it's not about just New Orleans."

But he said it stresses overcoming personal woes -- a subject the singer can certainly identify with. Kelly faces trial on three-year-old charges of child pornography stemming from allegations he videotaped sexual acts with a teenage girl. The singer has denied the allegations, and no trial date has been set.

"I'm going through my own struggle, my own hurricane in a way, we all do, and you're either gonna fold or you're going to stand, and I believe in standing," Kelly said. "I believe in overcoming, and if I can do it, I wanna be that light so people can see me and feel they can be inspired and say, you know, R. Kelly can get through this, I can get through this, so we can actually go through this together."

Stickin' it to the Man

Somehow, I'm thinking he already knew this broad was bonkers...

WESTMORELAND COUNTY, Pa. -- Gail O'Toole was convicted of simple assault and sentenced to six months probation for acts she committed against her ex-lover.

On Wednesday, the civil suit went to court, where O'Toole's ex-boyfriend claimed her "outrageous" and "inhumane" acts are worth thousands in damages.

Ken Slaby said he was in love with O'Toole five years ago. He even admitted he was devastated when O'Toole broke it off. So, when O'Toole invited him over to her Murrysville home to rekindle a friendship, he said he agreed. Slaby said O'Toole even went to his house in Pittsburgh to pick him up.

But according to Slaby, the night took a turn when O'Toole got angry about Slaby's new love. Slaby said O'Toole waited until he fell asleep and glued his penis to his stomach, his testicle to his leg and glued his buttocks together.

Then came the nail polish. Slaby claimed O'Toole dumped it all over his head.

When he woke up, Slaby said O'Toole threw him out. He didn't have a car, so he was forced to walk one mile down Route 22 to call 911 and Murrysville police, Slaby said.

When asked if in his 23 years as a police officer he had seen anything like this, Patrolman Joseph Malone of the Murrysville Police Department said, "No, I can't say I have."

At the hospital, oils did little to remove the glue. Nurses actually had to peel it off. Slaby underwent treatment from a dermatologist several times afterward.

O'Toole's attorney said this was part of routine sexual activity between the couple -- acts that he agreed to -- incidents that should have stayed in the bedroom.

But Slaby claims that O'Toole told him she planned the acts since the break up. According to Slaby, O'Toole came up with a script and followed it to the letter because she was angry that he had moved on.

Slaby said his injuries included severe burning on parts of his body, impingement of normal bodily functions and discoloration of his hair.

The 10 men and two women on the jury can award Slaby $30,000 or more. Their decision is expected late on Thursday.

Copyright 2005 by ThePittsburghChannel. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Why Fors

Quick question...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are shot?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when there's not enough in the account to pay it?

Why do people believe there are four billion stars in the sky but need proof that wet paint is actually wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, yet he ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why aren't there any father-in-law jokes?

Why is there a letter "S" in the word "lisp?"

Why do people constantly return to the same refrigerator to find something new to eat?

Why are there locks on the doors of a 7-Eleven?


Advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with 100% of your brain.

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