Rat-A-Tat Cat

Someone determined to piss you off on a Friday?

Kitty will gladly bust a cap on your behalf...

Sleeping on the Job

Seriously, people.

Cops: Man Falls Asleep While Siphoning Gas
By Associated Press

MUNCIE, Ind. - A man fell asleep while siphoning gasoline into a 55-gallon tank that had been installed in the back of a van, police said.

The manager of the Swifty station on the city's south side noticed the white van parked on its lot when he arrived Tuesday morning and called police. Inside the van, officers reported finding a man asleep next to a 55-gallon tank and a battery-operated pump. A hose from the pump led to the gas station's underground tank.

"That's a lot of gas," Police Chief Joe Winkle said. "I'm sure he felt like this would be a pretty good heist for himself."

Firefighters were called to disconnect the hose, and the man was arrested on charges of theft and possession of a firearm without a permit, Winkle said.

He was being held in the Delaware County Jail. Winkle said investigators were working to confirm the man's identity.

With regular unleaded at the station selling for $2.67, the tank would have held nearly $150 worth of fuel.

Copyright 2005 The Associated Press.

Work the Poll

I know this is the 90 millionth poll I've posted but, hey, I'm a sucker for these.

According to okcupid.com, I am...



How much of a slut are you?

MOFO

I am BEYOND disgusted right now, so forgive my french.

This evening I'm surfing Blog Explosion when I come across some piece of shit blog, run by some piece of shit, racist asshole whose state of "consciousness" is obviously stuck in the antebellum south.

I refuse to believe that this klansman is just "trying to be funny" or that I need to "loosen up" and "learn to laugh a little."

In fact, I hesitated even posting the choad's site, for fear that it would win him undue publicity. But I'm hoping that some of you will do what I did: report this site to both Blog Explosion and Blogger (if you have an account).

Anus.

ID10T Error

I am 16% idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact, most people come to me for advice. Of course, they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the Idiot Test @ FualiDotCom

Your Friday Frozen Treat

Two women meet in the afterlife...

First Woman: Hi, my name's Linda.

Second Woman: I'm Angela. How'd you die?

First Woman: I froze to death.

Second Woman: How horrible!

First Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to feel sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Second Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV.

First Woman: Then what happened??

Second Woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the place looking for her. I ran up to the attic, searched down in the basement, went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I became so exhausted that I just keeled over and died.

First Woman: Wow, that must have been awful!

Second Woman: Yes, it was.

First Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

Jug or Nots

Thanks Ty. We can all sleep better now.




From EURweb:

On her daytime talk show yesterday, Tyra Banks actually took off her push-up bra – the way Jennifer Beals did in “Flashdance” – and allowed her “girls” to sag in an attempt to prove, once and for all, that they are not implants.

The supermodel actually broke into tears explaining how the rumors of her D-cups being fake have been hurtful.

After freeing her boobs from the bra, she had a plastic surgeon squeeze them, (on top of her shirt), and then got a sonogram to prove that no saline was present inside of the mammaries. Banks explained, "It's very frustrating for me to have to live my career with people thinking that."

Mind Your Pees and Cues

Unacceptable.

Anyone who knows me is aware of two things:

1) My commute is a hellacious, 55 mile sabbatical over at least three major highways, two states and a nation's capitol.
2) My bladder is the size of a chestnut and almost twice as useless.

Where do these seemingly unrelated (and somewhat unappetizing) pieces of information coincide? At the end of a workday, right after I've vaulted into my car, peeled out of the lot and realized that I need to pee like a racehorse.

Such a series of events occurred this evening, big shock: I'm jetting down rt. 50 when my bladder issues the red alert. Fortunately there's a Target sign looming in the distance, so I head thataway. I gleefully manage to make it into the restroom without having to bust a pee dance in public. Things are FINALLY going my way.

Until I realize that I have a very speshul stall neighbor.

The fact that the next stall is even occupied kinda throws me since I go to great lengths to keep a "buffer stall" between myself and anyone else that might be present. This woman obviously entered after I did, but since I'm almost out of here it's no biggie, right? Wait, wait......hold it......what the......?!?

Sploosh.

Sploosh?!?

Aww, HELL to the naw!!!

This woman has invaded the sanctity of my empty loo, totally disregarded the buffer stall mandate and now she's got the cajones to just let her franks fly?!

And not one, single courtesy flush. Not one.

Okay, this is obviously my cue to bust the hell outta here. I immediately turn my attention towards the toilet paper dispenser and start yanking. Oh jeebus, WHY is this thing not turning?!?

Maybe because it's the HUGEST roll of tp ever dispensed. I swear this contraption weighs 22 lbs. and it is not budging. I'm yanking, i'm cajoling, I'm breaking a freaked-out sweat. Yet all I'm getting for my trouble is Charmin shrapnel.

Meanwhile? Sploosh...sploosh, sploosh...sploosh......

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm literally clawing at the roll, mentally begging it to turn. After an eon of contorted, arm-numbing effort, I finally get this effin barrel of paper to rotate. Then I bolt from the stall, hoping to avoid a sighting of Lady Sploosh-o-Matic.

(Note: forcing innocent restroom occupants to face you after you done funked up the place is a cardinal, bathroom-bombing sin.)

So I'm rinsing my hands when Lady Sploosh emerges, large and in charge. After a particularly productive restroom session, this broad needs to be irradiated, but she'll be having none of that. Instead, she waves her hands under the faucet for all of 3 seconds and towels off. No soap. No lather. No germ eradication of any kind.

Stench-laying, disease-smearing, soap-skipping SCALLYWAG!!!

Shiver Me Timbers, or Whatever

Since it is Talk Like a Pirate Day, figured I'd try my hand at this swash-buckling thing...

-----------------------
Your pirate name is:

Mad Ethel Rackham

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

What's YOUR pirate name?
-----------------------

I'll be swabbin' the deck aboard the nefarious Long John Silver, in case anyone needs me...

Where My Knickers At?

If you're lame enough to resort to GPS lingerie, then locating lady friends should be the LEAST of your concerns.

See below...



Forget-me-not panties will help protect the women in your life!

These panties will monitor the location of your daughter, wife or girlfriend 24 hours a day, and can even monitor their heart rate and body temperature. Based on pioneering research developed by the U.S. military at DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency), we have brought this revolutionary technology, previously only available to the military, to you!

These "panties" can trace the exact location of your woman and send the information, via satellite, to your cell phone, PDA, and PC simultaneously! Use our patented mapping system, pantyMap®, to find the exact location of your loved one 24 hours a day. The technology is embedded into a piece of fabric so seamlessly she will never know it's there!

Don't let her get away! Order now!

Creative Writing

Caption anyone?

(Play nice...)

Just In Case

...anyone is interested?

I finally found an apartment. G'yeah!
Looks like I won't be homeless next month, after all.
Over and out.

A Call to Blogs

...and activists.

Bulldog spells it out WAY more eloquently than I ever could.
So, if you can't beat 'em? Join 'em!

Investing For Your Retirement

I'm sure this one will make things easier for a lot of you...

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00.

But if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer then turned in the cans for a recycling deposit? You would now have $214.00.

Based on the above calculations, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

House Broken

Beating a dead horse with this topic but I'm stressed so I simply must share.

For those of you who don't know, I'm in the midst of a frenzied apartment search. And it's got to be the most stressful search that I've undertaken (including the three weeks I was given to locate some rat-infested, Brooklyn shanty before my ass got booted off campus after graduation).

Here's a list of the events that have plagued me up to this point:

1) My landlord refused let me out of my lease. Now I get to commute 110 miles a day for an extra three months.
2) The new apartment I just rented went condo. Beautiful.
3) Yesterday? I came this close to signing on the dotted line for a 2 bedroom crack den.

I left work early yesterday to check out two apartments. The first was a townhouse-style condo. Lemme tell ya, this place? TO. DIE. FOR. Incredibly cute - had it's own garage, tons of closet space, hardwood floors on the first level, a patio on the first floor and a balcony off the master bedroom - the whole nine.

Problem was, the place was pricier than I wanted and the broker advised me to get my security and pet deposit to her ASAP in order to hold it. I was pretty hesitant to rush into a decision but after the place I saw next? It's almost a done deal.

I leave the cute townhouse and drive to the hovel in question. I check out the scene as I pull into the parking lot - gee, everything looks okay from the outside. It's quiet, though way more kids than I like in a complex. I begin to doubt until I take a look inside, and? The place is GORGEOUS. Tons of room, tons of sunlight. Overall, the place seemed more "me" than the townhouse and the rent included some utilities. I told the guy that I was pretty sure I would take it.

So now I'm driving home, thrilled to pieces that I've finally gotten this apartment burden off my shoulders. Then I fire up the laptop, start surfing apartmentratings.com, and IMMEDIATELY throw on the brakes.

I'll spare you guys the full rundown of the horrible reviews I've read about the apartment. But the snippets below should more than get the point across:

---------------
"I wouldn't recommend these apartments to anyone. I've lived in several apartments, but this one is by far the absolute worst place I have ever lived."

"This place doesn't enforce the dangerous dogs policy - there are pit bulls, dobermans and german shepherds around."

"Our heat and hot water went out six times over the winter. I finally sent an email to the assistant manager. The bottom line is that she just doesn't care."

"Dumpster is often broken/full/stinky, and those who live near it get assualted with noise, insects and rodents."
---------------

There are another 50+ reviews all similar to those above. But THIS next one? Is the kicker:

---------------
"Got drugs????????????? If you move here there are plenty to go around. There's people outside running around till daylight (pushing drugs, we believe). Could be wrong, but if it walks like a duck..."
---------------

When I left the place, I noticed a particularly mangy looking guy wandering around the parking lot with his cell phone, greasy hair and manually lopped-off pants; I'd bet the ranch HE has no legitimate business here. Then I spot some woman who's strolling her kids around. She stops at a bush and HACKS off a flowering limb with a pair of scissors, then sheepishly scurries away at the sight of me.

What, am I moving OUT of the hood just to move back INTO the hood??? HELL TO THE NAW!!!!

How to Ruin Your Child

Can we run an ad or something??

1. Give your child everything he wants. Start in his infancy. This way, he'll grow up thinking the world owes him something.

2. When he uses bad words, laugh at him. It will encourage him to pick up "cuter" phrases that'll get his ass shot off later.

3. Avoid using word "wrong." This way, when he's arrested for stealing a car, he'll be convinced that society is persecuting him.

4. Pick up anything he leaves lying around. Books, shoes, clothing, whatever. Do everything for him so he'll understand how to pawn off his responsibilities on others.

5. Quarrel frequently in his presence. Then he won't be surprised when the home is broken up.

6. Give him all the money he wants. Never let him earn his own. Why should he have things as "tough" as you did?

7. Satisfy his every craving for food, drink and comfort. Denial may later lead to frustration.

8. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he's 21, then let him decide for himself.

9. Take his side in every dispute. Whether it's against his neighbors, teachers, policemen or the preacher. They're obviously just "prejudiced" against your baby.

10. Prepare for a life of grief. Because you're in for it.

One for Sainthood

Wow.

After all the media coverage of the devastation (and the brewing political firestorm) it's amazing to come across ordinary folks selflessly helping those in need.

Found this ad on craigslist:

Housing for Katrina family

---

Reply to: anon-95510968@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-05, 11:01AM EDT

3 bedroom house available for 6-8 months for katrina family to help them get back on thier feet. 202-255-5495

Morgan Street NW at New Jersey Aven NW


Again, I say wow.

Yeeeeah Boyyyyyyy!!!

From our head honchos...

-----------------------------
Hi everyone,

In honor of the holiday weekend, and with your manager's approval, please feel free to leave your respective offices early tomorrow -- Friday, September 2 at 1:00PM -- to get a head start on your weekend.

As always, thank you all for your continued hard work and enjoy the long weekend with your family and friends.

Regards,

H. Honcho
-----------------------------

Sweet!!!