High Resolution

My New Years Resolution for 2006?



Great POSTS.
Less FORWARDS.

Okay, so it should be "FEWER forwards" but you get my drift. Next year there will be more of me and less of those other people. Even though those other people can be pretty dang funny at times.

I'll try to ensure more original content for my loyal readers in 2006. I'll spend every waking hour brainstorming new material. I'll check and double check all urls to ensure accuracy. I WILL BE A BEACON TO BLOGGERS YEARNING TO BREATHE FREE!

Actually, I'll just write more of my own crap and shut the hell up.

HAPPY 2006 TO YOU ALL!!!

Kiss! Kiss!
Nicole :)

Speed Freak

How exactly do you KNOW you're driving too fast?
(I've got all kinds of email goodies to post by COB 2005 but they're funny, so please bear with me...)

You Would Even Say It Blows

Word verification.

It would be just dandy if the "word" in question was legible enough to VERIFY.

But it's not the concept that sucks. It's the execution -- at least as far as Blogger is concerned. Not only do they take it upon themselves to throw together the most RANDOM conglomeration of characters ever assembled in the English language. They also feel the need to twist and warp each one to the point of obscurity. It's like holding a defective Speak 'n' Spell in front of a funhouse mirror; only not half as entertaining.

Yes, I am aware of the 238 spam comments I'd be wading through if not for the advent of verification technology. I'm just saying...can't it be a TEENSY bit more user-friendly??

Not that any of this is news to anybody. You guys play through the pain every time you post a [much appreciated] comment on this blog. Just thought I'd let you know that I sincerely empathize. Especially with you, Thordora.

Never Look a Gift Card in the Mouth

What's the smallest gift you can possibly spend $18.5 billion on?

A frickin gift card.

Okay, so nobody's spending that amount on ONE, solitary card. But that's how much revenue will be generated by these suckers during the 2005 holiday season alone -- $18.5 BILLION, people. That's a hell of a lot of duckets to dunk on one, piddly piece of plastic.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not downing these little gems in the least. They're a life saver to those of us who either have no clue what gift to get somebody or no desire to lose hours of their lives shopping for it. What gets me isn't the existence of gift cards. It's which retailers have taken it upon themselves to SELL them.

I'm not sure who was first on the scene: the Gap, Victoria's Secret, who knows? What I do know is that gift cards became popular because there was a DEMAND for them. People get giddy when they open a colorful, cardstock envelope and discover $25 to spend at Pottery Barn. People do NOT get so giddy when someone hands them $15 bucks to burn at Furniture Medic.

Sure, a Sunoco card is definitely of practical value. But come on, does that really constitute an EXCITING Christmas gift? Are you honestly gonna get all teary-eyed over a $50 endowment from Terminix??

And the REALLY sucky part is, after awhile, a gift card ain't worth jack. Sure your $30 Macy's card might look all sparkly in the wrapper. But after 18 months of burning a hole in your wallet, it's dwindled down to maybe somewhere around...$19?

So next Christmas, when you're roaming the malls, at wit's end over what constitutes an acceptable gift? Think of all the unnecessary drama that a gift card may rain down upon the heads of your loved ones and ask yourself: would they prefer it in red or blue?

Warm and Toasted

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure
the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs, add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frickin fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry
it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the
Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make
sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas

The Holiday Party

Everybody's a critic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 4, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols so feel free to sing along. And a Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Don't be surprised if the Managing Director decides to dress up as Santa Claus!

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00. So come out and celebrate the season with us!

Merry Christmas to you and yours,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 5, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas -- though unfortunately not this year.

From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." There will be no Christmas tree or carols sung. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to all,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 6, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table: you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody??

And forget about the gift exchange since the union officials feel that $10.00 is too expensive.

Satisfied?
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All Employees
DATE: Dec. 7, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can package everything up for you to take home in a doggy bag.

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert table and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gay people are allowed to sit with each other and lesbians can have their own table so they don't have to sit with gay men.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food for diet people. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste their food first. And there will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

I'm dying here,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: Dec. 8, 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party.

That's it, I've HAD it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it!

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too -- they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. In fact, I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!!!

I hope you all drive drunk and die,
P. Lewis
H.R. Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: Dec. 9, 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis/Holiday Party

As of December 8th, 2005, Pauline is no longer acting as Human Resources Director. She has requested a leave of absence and has stated that she has no plans to return in the near future. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say she will be missed.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the December 23rd off with full pay.

Thank you and happy holidays,
J. Bishop

Mad Santa

And you thought YOUR job sucked?

'Twas the night before Christmas. Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves. He threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa," what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night,
The elves want more money. The reindeer all fight.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has crabs,
Rudolph got busted outside his meth lab.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes -- if THAT ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days, they all are the pits,
They want the impossible -- those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls -- their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo's. No request for them,
They want computers and robots -- they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment,
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year. Wanna know the reason?
I found me a blonde. I'm headed SOUTH for the season!

Your Friday Christmas Funny

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her shiny, new bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over, handed the girl a $5 ticket and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse. Did Santa bring him to you?"

"He sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl said, "Next year tell Santa the dick should be underneath the horse, not sitting on top of it."

But I Don't Remember ASKING

A friend of mine just received this notice from his employer regarding office holiday parties:

--------------------

During the holidays, employees are often invited to attend holiday events that are held outside of the office. Please note our policy regarding these events and govern yourselves accordingly:

Employees are permitted to attend external holiday events, but must first obtain legal, written authorization.

Employees may share food with coworkers but participation is strictly voluntary.

Employees are allowed to attend their spouse’s holiday parties.

--------------------

1) "Employees are allowed to attend their spouse's holiday parties?"

Why is this grand show of leniency only extended to married folk? What if you've got a fiance? What if you've got a girlfriend/boyfriend? What if you got a baby-daddy??

2) If you decide to attend, say, your roommate's yuletide fiesta, are agents of Middle Management gonna haul you off to the clink?

3) Since when does anyone require written permission to live their own damn LIFE??

Blow Him Off

Take one for the team, anyone...?

Your Christmas Top Ten

10 Things That Sound Dirty at Christmas

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Check out that fruitcake.
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall

The Steal of the Century

Dude? No joke...

I managed to get an iPod for $50!

This isn't one of those pyramid scheme websites or anything.

No, I'm NOT joking!

In fact, just to show that I'm not selfish, I'll share.

This is an opportunity that's just WAY too good to miss.

Christmas just round the corner, so iPods for all!

If anybody is interested in their own iPod, see below for the info...

The Understudy

I love Alan Rickman.



No, I've never met the guy -- I just think he's an awesome actor. And you know what's even more awesome? The fact that I mentally handed him the role of "Severus Snape" way before the movie was in pre-production. Because I'm brilliant like that.

But despite my brilliance, something's still bugging me...

There's somebody else out there who was born to play Snape. I just can't think of who it IS!

Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Crap, who is it??

Oh, I got it!

It's this guy...


THE REZNOR, OF COURSE!!!

Come on, you KNOW Trent would be perfect for the role. Just look at the guy: he's got the disdain, he's got the pain, he's got the hair, he's got the melancholy and he's just RIDDLED with Snape attitude.

But the best part is, he'll bring his own soundtrack. Think about it, most of the album "With Teeth" could act as the musical score for "Snape on Broadway."

Like I said, I love Mr. Rickman. But if at some point (God forbid) he tires of this whole Harry Potter thing? He's already got the perfect understudy.

The White Ho

FINALLY some honesty in the media.

Your Friday Hug

Compliments of nicoleMART.

CSI:Sucks

Hold it. Just gimme a second to explain myself.

You're right, it didn't always suck. I mean, the first four seasons of the series were THE. BOMB. But since season five struck? CSI: has been beyond lackluster. Hell, the last two weeks' episodes were so boring that I just deleted them off my TiVo.

Okay, I'm sure that at least ONE diehard fan is going to come across this post and decide to wage war against it. Which means it's probably a good idea for me to back up my assertion sooner than later. So here's the forensic evidence -- I think it's enough to get me a warrant.

Reasons that CSI sucks (in no particular order):

1) Greg is out of the DNA lab. And out of his element. Now he's boring as hell -- no spiked hair, no cornball jokes, no obnoxious death metal blasting out of his earphones. Just a somber, cardboard cutout of the life-loving boy he used to be. I ain't feelin' him no more.

2) Warrick is married. Outside of the fact that this man was my baby-daddy, this is probably the dumbest piece of writing that a CSI: staffer has ever penned. The dude knows some broad for all of 2 months but because his homey got buried alive, he thinks he's obligated to run out and get hitched at a drive-thru chapel?? Whatthehellever.

Besides, we NEVER used to hear this much about a CSI's personal life. Now Warrick is hitting his wife up during work hours for bootie calls. What is this, "The Young and the Restless?!"

3) The mood music is gone. Mood music is CRUCIAL for maintaining the flow of an episode. Whenever one of the CSIs was performing some tedious procedure in the lab, the snazzy score would swoop in and make the whole scene more interesting. Now you barely hear it. I mean sure, they'll play a catchy, mainstream song here and there. But the homemade music has become more and more scarce lately. Which means there's plenty of deafening silence during all the...

4) Overdramatic character spats. Of course there's gonna be drama between colleagues, but CSI: writers used to know how to handle it. A pissed off glance or a snarky retort and the temper tantrum was over. Now every week, entire SCENES are devoted to Catherine's hatred of Warrick's new wife or Sarah sobbing to Grissom over her jacked up family history. Work out your crap on your own time, people!

5) It's just no FUN anymore. The main reason CSI: now blows is simply this: it's taking itself WAY too damn seriously. And the reasons are obvious -- actors are getting bored of acting out the same plots, writers are getting bored of writing the same plots. So now they wanna stretch their artistic legs and mold a 1-hour forensic drama into the next cinematic tour de force. Mofo, if I wanted an Oscar-caliber piece of film making, I'd go sit through "Pride and Prejudice."

Yes, I know everyone's not gonna agree with me on this (if anyone out there even CARES). But you have to at least admit that the show has changed and, in my opinion, not at all for the better.

What happened, CSI:?!?
We used to be homies.
Peeps.
Ace boon coons.

Man, it's like I don't even KNOW you anymore.