Anti-Cat Superstar

This new apartment search is becoming a royal pain in my pet-owning ass.

First I had to deal with all the asinine "no pet" policies.
Next, fools had the audacity to exact $500, non-refundable "pet deposits."
Now dorks are actually discriminating against certain TYPES of animals.

I emailed one guy to ask the details of his pet policy? Stuff and utter nonsense...

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What pet do you have? If it is a small dog, I just charge you $50 extra each month. If a large dog or cat, sorry. Thanks!
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You know I had to ask how my 13 lb. cat was more of a threat to someone's hardwood floors than, say, a 17 lb. bull terrier. The guy's response?

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More renters complain about cats of previous renters than dogs and cats do more damage than small dogs too.
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For once, I'm at a loss for words...

Anybody got Al Sharpton's phone number??

The Final Countdown

It's a headgear epidemic around here.

I'm in the work kitchen, heating up my Cardboard Cuisine. Everything is going swimmingly until around T-2 minutes when some broad saunters in. She grabs her frozen entree from the freezer and then? Just stands there.

Am I giving a show? What the hell is she waiting for?

My mind is fully blown when I realize she's gonna stand here an entire two minutes while my crap cooks. ARE? YOU? KIDDING? ME?

(I'm sure you're thinking, "Two minutes - big deal." Next chance you get, try staring at some random, mute broad for 120 seconds just to see how entertaining that nonsense is.)

Sure, in most office environments a microwave is considered a pretty hot commodity. But this is AOL - we've got at least 851 microwaves in this building. Is this woman dumb or just stupid?

And even if this were the last working microwave on earth, what kinda halfwit stands in line for the privilege of using a kitchen appliance??

Get outta here, ya animal!!!

Bite Me

This day sucks all to hell.

And it's only 12:38pm.

I just found out that the apartment complex I was planning to move into? Might get sold and converted to condos, which would leave me totally assed out. Guess mom's got nothing to moan about now, huh?!

But today could blow much harder if I were living in New Orleans, like poor Harald:

"I could have stayed at home and watched my roof blow off. Instead, I came down here and watched the Superdome roof blow off. It's no big deal; getting wet is not like dying."

Hey, the man's got a point!

Moms

My mother is nickel and diming me to death with her two cents.

When I ask her opinion she's got nothing to contribute. But when everything's copacetic, suddenly she's dropping naysays like a-bombs. This time she's found a way to turn MY move to MY new apartment, near MY new job, into an assault on HER tender sensibilities.

I dropped by the parental crib after church this morning. The first thing she wanted to know was whether I'd started packing yet. Mom, I move the end of October. What am I gonna do - eat carryout off paper plates for the next two months??

She switches to the next offensive:

Mom: "Well, does your building have an elevator?"
Me: "No, mom." (she already knew that)
Mom: "Oh, see?! Why'd you have to go rent some place on the fourth floor, then??"
Me: "Because I'd rather not be at the mercy of any noisy, upstairs neighbors every night."
Mom: [scoffing] "The fourth floor is just too high! That's too much walking for people to do!!"
Me: [flabbergasted] "Mom, I'm the one who's gonna be doing most of the walking, here."
Mom: "Well visitors shouldn't have to deal with all those steps! I just think you don't want people to visit you!!!"

So now I'm in the business of renting lofty apartments just to keep people from stopping by?!? I'm standing right in front of this woman and there's not a crack pipe in sight but she's obviously smoking something.

Next tactic:

Mom: "Who's helping you move?"
Me: "Not sure yet. I priced some movers but they want $700-900 to move my little apartment. That's way too much money!"
Mom: "It would just be better for you to hire professionals! Friends are not reliable!!"
Me: "Mom, I can't afford to pay that much for such a tiny move. It's not happening."

She went silent so I retardedly assumed she'd dropped the subject. But she managed to sneak in one last jab on my way out the door:

Mom: "Well...we'll just have to figure something out...because that's just...you need movers!!"

Glad I asked. Since I didn't.

BUY Your Fuel, Fool!

This cretin found gas for only $15.54 and he's STILL trying to steal it???

Man Arrested in Theft of Gas
Thursday August 25, 2005 6:59am

Baltimore (AP) - A gas station attendant is a little banged up, but back on the job, after he tried to stop a man from driving off without paying for a fill-up.

It happened about noon Wednesday at the Glenmore Service Center in northeast Baltimore.

Attendant John Harrison was dragged a short distance down Glenmore Avenue before he broke loose from the fleeing car. A witness called police and chased the car.

City police say the driver, 20-year-old Joseph Washington, crashed the car and tried to flee on foot - then scuffled with the officers who arrested him.

Washington is charged with the theft of $15.54 worth of gas, three counts of first-degree assault, two counts of hit and run, reckless driving and possession of marijuana.

Parental Units

Moving is hard enough.

But now I've got to alleviate the massive coronary my parents have whenever I change residences. The last time I moved they had a thousand questions, like:

Is the apartment secure?
Is there an alarm system?
Is the community gated?
Is there an elevator?
Are the residents insane??

My answers satisfied them when it came to the last apartment (which, ironically, is totally unsafe. Even the APARTMENT MANAGER has had her car broken into.) But none of my answers will satisfy them in reference to my new digs:

It's not at all secure.
There's no alarm system.
There isn't a gate in sight.
Elevator?? HAHAHA!!!
The residents seem sane enough, though I haven't run any background checks...

My mother is wigging because I haven't hired a professional mover. And my father will want verbal confirmation that I have NOT been murdered every time I leave the house.

Did I mention that I'm 28...?

Frickin-A

Blog spam.

Never even realized it existed. Now my blog is plagued with it.

I don't know what site I surfed, what list I joined, or what ad I clicked, but every spambot on the planet is pointed at my blog with phasers set to "innundate."

Half a dozen anonymous comments from blogs that are alleged to highlight such lofty topics as "Earning Money While Sleeping" and "Electric Scooters." Uh, yeah.

Anyway, if my REAL blog peeps out there have any advice on spam blocking or avoidance, feel free to share. Because this malarkey is getting real effin annoying.

Beating Around the Bush

I usually steer clear of the politics. But this quiz was so hilarious that I had to post.

The George W. Bush Loyalty Quiz
10 Questions to Test Your Allegiance to President Bush

Your score is 0 on a scale of 1 to 10. You hate Bush with a writhing passion. You think he is an idiot, a liar, and a warmonger who has been a miserable failure as president. Nothing would give you greater pleasure than seeing him run out of the White House, except maybe seeing him dragged away in handcuffs.

Test YOUR Bush Loyalty!

Your Friday Funny

A lady, about 8 months pregnant, got on a bus...

She noticed that the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court and the judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it's like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sign that read, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming!' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that read, 'Logan's Linament Will Reduce the Swelling' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that read, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that read, 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident?' I just lost it!!!"

The judge was so hysterical he declared, "CASE DISMISSED!!!"

Arms Across America

It's official.

After many weeks of scientific observation, I have concluded that I'm the only person in the whole of the DC Metro area that does not drape an arm out of the window while driving. Blistering ass temperatures and hot car stank make it virtually impossible for me to motor around these parts with my windows gaping.

I'll also admit that I don't get what makes the feel of tepid air shooting up your armpit quite so thrilling. But, then, I'm a dork.

What gets me, though? Is what people do with their arms while they're hanging out of their cars. Some folks sail down 495 corraling flies. Others hurl past the CIA entrance throwing up the Black Power first. But some fools have actually devised dance steps to whatever it is that's blasting out of their car radios. Does Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" really inspire an entire, choreographed armdance routine???

I'm not from here. Really. I lied.

The Fuzz

Just trying to have an innocent IM conversation when, lo and behold, front and center...

Me: my cat is licking her crotch.
Guy: I guess that's a plus.
Me: she's ready for lovin.
Guy: By who?
Me: not sure, but she's being seduct-o-cat right now.
Guy: Are you falling for it?
Me: I might go pet the hell out of her.
Guy: In cat land, that's foreplay.
Me: you would know, right?
Guy: ich bin expert.
Me: now the other cat just walked up and put her ass in the face of the first cat.
Guy: looks like you get a show tonight.
Me: what did I do to deserve this?

How Do You Say? Oh Yes...

I'm doing WAY too much thinking before 9am.

This morning, I'm at Starbucks ordering my signature triple grande, extra caramel, light foam, caramel macchiato with two raw sugars.

Make something of it.

Anyway, you know how the barista yells out your drink when it's crowded? Well, when she announces my order, instead of saying "car-a-mel" like I would, she says "carmull."

Not that it's the first time I've ever made note of this phenomenon. But it got me wondering why people pronounce certain words the way they do. Like:

AUNT - do you it pronounce it "awnt" or "ant?"
WATER - does it sound more like "wahh-ter" or "warter?"
CARAMEL - is it "car-a-mel" or "car-mull?"

Just asking.

The Mother Load

Okay, I totally ripped this off...



Peeped it on LoliPopculture and became so heartily disgusted that I felt compelled to share it with you folks.

I'm sure it's, by far, NOT the most horridious Brit preggers photo you've ever seen. But can someone please explain why a heifer needs to slather her unborn children all over the front covers of every scandal rag on Earth?

Yes, dammit, we know your ass is pregnant.
Yes, dammit, we know K-Fed did it.
Yes, dammit, we know you about to be somebody baby mama.

Your frickin kids are cold. Take your skank tail back in the boat and put some damn clothes on!!!

I Rock.

Because I Am Frylock.



You're the true leader of the Aqua Teens. You are wise and powerful, unlike your team mates, who are always getting into trouble. You keep everyone in line without pushing people around.

Which Aqua Teen Hunger Force character are you?

Morbid Curiousity

In case you've ever wondered exactly when you'll kick the bucket.

Found this happy little quiz on Lip Schtick. Apparently I don't live the safe, sheltered life I thought I did!

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You Will Die At Age: 82
Congratulations! You take good care of yourself.
You're poised to live a long, healthy life.

What Age Will You Die?

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From the Horse's Mouth

On COPS, an inmate explaining the series of events that landed his dumb ass in jail:

"...I stabbed him and he died. I ain't mean to kill him. But he died."

Sucks when things like that just happen.

Whip It Good

What is with the 8 ft. whip antennae that people have begun mounting on their cars lately?

It used to be that only emergency vehicles and 18 wheelers were utilizing these jobbies. Now "Mom's Taxi" is barreling down 95 with what looks like a fishing pole bolted to the roof.

Questions, as usual, abound:

1) What extra-terrestrial species are these people conversing with?
2) If a fool is living that far from you, is there really a frequent need for verbal communication?
3) How do you not get your ass kicked at the car wash?

On the Road Again

A sighting that was WAY too funny for a morning commute...

Bright, yellow sports coupe. (That's hardly newsworthy...)
License plate that reads, "Munch." (Hmm, wonder what that's about...?)
Rainbow flag license frame. (Picture starting to clarify...)
Woman behind the wheel. (HAHAHA!!! NOW I GET IT!!!)